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jmababa
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jmababa
54 posts
Shepherd

Hope you guyz like it its out of topic on the contest so i posted it here the one i made for contest sucked so i did not post it there

http://i99.photobucket.com/albums/l298/jmababa/AnimeHeartBroken.jpg

  • 16 Replies
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

Alright..first thing, punctuation. In the instance of your poem here, it is necessary. Your poem obviously reads with it all as one piece, instead of each line beings its own (as you have it written), so you need to have punctuation to differentiate what goes together in full and what doesn't.

See..as you have it now..the first line is
night after night i ask myself
and, because of the lack of punctuation (implying each line is on its own) the thought ends there. The next line, then, is
questions that have no answers
Again, because of lack of punctuation, the thought begins and ends in the line, not connected to any other line immediately. Now, the line, in itself, is good..but in context makes 0 sense. However, with punctuation added correctly, the reader then realizes it is to be read with the first line.
Until then..it is merely "questions that have no answers"

Get what I'm saying?

[better example: promised my heart to. Makes no sense on its own]

-----

Now..the content of the poem. To be honest..I'm confused. And not in a "wow this is so deep! What does it mean?" way..but a "um...what is going on here?" way.

The first stanza brings up an idea that the author is ignorant to the doings of love; ignorant to how the heart and mind work in regards to the actions taken with romance. This idea is actually a really good one, and can be a great starting idea for a poem.

The 2nd stanza comes, and the author begins to ponder as to why what is happening is happening. Why did the heart choose wrong? Why do I not have an understanding? Again, this could be quite a powerful idea..and with proper execution could make for a wonderful poem.

Then, the 3rd stanza happened. The entire poem, up to this point, has been about the author pondering the workings of love and the actions of his/her heart and mind in regards to it. It is evident that the author understands that it is his/her fault for everything that has happened, due to his/her ignorance, and is trying to gain a better understanding of it all.
But in the 3rd stanza, the author lets go of all ties to accountability, and essentially states that it is up to "the clouds" and "fate" to fix all mistakes and provide "that someone" to eliminate all feelings of remorse/pain within the author.

The poem begins with a great opportunity to have the author gain insight within himself/herself, and be a good piece of transcendentalism poetry, but it ends by denying any accountability of change and places it all on others...effectively eliminating any hope the author had at gaining insight to the situation.

xeano321
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xeano321
3,152 posts
Farmer

The thing doesn't even rhyme, and it's just crying for punctuation.... It kind of sounds like a Country western song.

pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

The thing doesn't even rhyme,


Poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions
xeano321
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xeano321
3,152 posts
Farmer

Poetry doesn't necessarily have to rhyme.


No, but the words don't really flow together smoothly. I mean, take the second stanza, the wording just isn't smooth and easy to recite.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions


Are you an English teacher or something pang? I've heard that before... Maybe around a dozen times or so in my life at school.
wolf1991
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wolf1991
3,437 posts
Farmer

Are you an English teacher or something pang? I've heard that before... Maybe around a dozen times or so in my life at school.


You're not helping, and you have had nothing worthwhile to contribute so far.

The use of rhyme is to show a better grasp on language...to be able to write a piece of work elegantly while abiding to such restrictions


Yes and no. Rhyme can be used that way, but is often another poetic device to convey emotion, or to add a specific rhythm to the poem.

As for the poem itself, as everyone has said, punctuation is key for this poem. However, that does not make it necessary for all poetry. If you want to see a master at work, read some T.S Eliot. If you want a less elegant, yet local example take a look at my thread: The Words and Workings of Wolf.

I encourage you to keep up the writing, and am happy to lend advice and assistance if need be.
xeano321
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xeano321
3,152 posts
Farmer

You're not helping, and you have had nothing worthwhile to contribute so far.


I'm contributing. Just because I don't take the same approach you do doesn't mean I'm not. I'm just generating discussion. Isn't that what the forums are for?
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

I'm just generating discussion. Isn't that what the forums are for?


Generally, yes. But for AMW (specifically, a user's personal thread of their works) the comments should be more along the lines of constructive responses that provide feedback on the artists work and style.. preferably in a way that would allow them to possibly learn from said comments and better their techniques
xeano321
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xeano321
3,152 posts
Farmer

the comments should be more along the lines of constructive responses that provide feedback on the artists work and style..


You do realize that long posts of 5+ paragraphs are generally not even read in their entirety? I thought I would just condense it down into a couple sentences, rather then sit and type something out that will most likely not even be read. If he asked me what I meant by my post, I would have most kindly elaborated for him.

My apologies if my critique style offends anybody.
Bronze
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Bronze
2,417 posts
Shepherd

No, but the words don't really flow together smoothly. I mean, take the second stanza, the wording just isn't smooth and easy to recite.


Wow look. Xeano did contribute, so I'm not getting what the fuss is about. Who cares if it was a sentence or two. That's a lot more than what most people post, which is NOTHING.

As for the poem. I can't add much to what has been said. I thought the lack of punctuation just meant that you read everything without pause.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

You do realize that long posts of 5+ paragraphs are generally not even read in their entirety?


Meh..that's their prerogative then.

I thought I would just condense it down into a couple sentences, rather then sit and type something out that will most likely not even be read. If he asked me what I meant by my post, I would have most kindly elaborated for him.

Wow look. Xeano did contribute, so I'm not getting what the fuss is about. Who cares if it was a sentence or two. That's a lot more than what most people post, which is NOTHING.


Woops..I'm in the line of fire again.

My comment about AMW comments being constructive responses was more directed to xeano's comment about generating discussion. I do agree that xeano has contributed..I just disagreed with the assertion that generating discussion was all that was needed.

I thought the lack of punctuation just meant that you read everything without pause.


Except, in the case of this poem, pauses are needed. If not..it just sounds like a huge run-on sentence.

The second stanza in particular..read that aloud, but without a pause, and you can easily hear how awkward it is
Bronze
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Bronze
2,417 posts
Shepherd

I'd like to say sorry for sounding like a ticked off hobo in my previous post.

The second stanza in particular..read that aloud, but without a pause, and you can easily hear how awkward it is


Oh yeah, I agree with that. I was just referring to your first post:

...and, because of the lack of punctuation (implying each line is on its own) the thought ends there.


I've just never heard of that before. Not saying you're wrong. I was just taught that a coma or semi colon or whatever just told the reader where to pause. Connecting thoughts is a whole different matter.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

I've just never heard of that before. Not saying you're wrong. I was just taught that a coma or semi colon or whatever just told the reader where to pause. Connecting thoughts is a whole different matter.


It really depends on how the poem/lines are presented. There are plenty of times when punctuation actually isn't necessary (a style I've practiced in before)..but for it to work the thoughts must be able to stand on their own accord. Each thought/line must be its own free standing thought, while also conducive to the overall idea of the poem.

With this poem, for example, there are some lines that make absolutely no sense unless taken into consideration with another line. Because this connection exists..and exists in a way that the lines are connected by the fact that they must be read as one would read a sentence, punctuation is a must.

-----

On a (connected) side-note:
There are times when a poet will make usage of both punctuation and lack of punctuation..such as Eliot.

Despite my distaste for Eliot and the works, there is some purpose behind his style of usage with punctuation..specifically The Waste Land.

I'd rather not explicate the poem..but basically, unless I'm misconstruing it..he still uses punctuation between lines that connect (if they need them)..but the different ideas aren't wholly necessary of each other. Because of this, he doesn't have punctuation ever-present throughout the poem..but in spots where it is ultimately necessary
(basically, also, he switches his punctuation usage between that of actual punctuation and a pause marker)
xeano321
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xeano321
3,152 posts
Farmer

Woops..I'm in the line of fire again.


I'm not trying to start some feud... This whole thing is already way bigger then I wanted.

Meh..that's their prerogative then.


Correct. If they really want to accept any friendly criticism, then they would be willing to ask me for more precise meaning as to what I meant by my short post. I've had lots of experience with this type of thing, and if a 5 paragraph post is not read most of the time (IMO), why post it when you can sum up the whole thing in an easy to read couple sentences? (See my point?)

I just disagreed with the assertion that generating discussion was all that was needed.


Check out the time I posted that... 12:49am... That's 9:49pm where I live, and by then I'm getting ready to go to bed, so the quality of my posts is greatly reduced from their usual perfection, that's why that came out wrong.

Not trying to offend you or anything pang. Don't feel under fire, like I said, this whole thing is already way bigger then I wanted.
pangtongshu
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pangtongshu
9,808 posts
Jester

why post it when you can sum up the whole thing in an easy to read couple sentences? (See my point?)


I understand your point..I just prefer my long explanations so that the user can fully understand what exactly it is I'm trying to convey.

Plus..I really like to talk about poetry =p

Check out the time I posted that... 12:49am... That's 9:49pm where I live, and by then I'm getting ready to go to bed, so the quality of my posts is greatly reduced from their usual perfection, that's why that came out wrong.


Ah..yeah I've had plenty of those

Not trying to offend you or anything pang. Don't feel under fire, like I said, this whole thing is already way bigger then I wanted.


I've noticed that I have a tendency to respond to things (on AG) that makes me come off as if I have a certain standpoint on an issue, when I'm either not even on the issue at all, or have a standpoint that isn't what people assume XD
I find it fun haha

-----

Anyways..now we just wait on Jmababa to come back. Hopefully he didn't just do a dump and run..because that would not be a very nice thing to do
samiel
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samiel
421 posts
Shepherd

I think your going somewhere with that but it doesn't feel like a real piece of liturature just the kinda crap emo kids wright when they are depressed.

My favorite form of peotry which I'm pretty sure is what you used but you should atleast use some shape or form.
this is a better poem of mine

The club
The congregation from which this deliberation is stated has hated my fated cadence.

My rhyme, my rythem, and my radiance have faded.

My welcome is overstated, screw them anyway this place is overrate
!!BOOM!!

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