"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said, "Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm trying to determine who REALLY built the pyramids. Now, I'm not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I would appreciate it if you never called me again." "
I see you a bit but not loads ok posts as well 8.314/10
"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!""
"When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who? Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- my dad would ask "why are you so tired? and I'd say "I'm preventing forest fires""
