I'm making this story. I'll be making chapters of it untill it ends. If you want to be part, you will enter for your rank, for example, someone is a Knight, he will be a knight in the story.
--Chapter 1-- The New Knight
He was walking alongside the path leading to the King's castle. He hoped to become the Knight, because he was a squire. he had shown bravery, while his master had died, pierced by an arrow in the chest. The road was full of poor peasants. "Please give us some money" They said. "I have no money, like you" He would answer. He finally arrived in the castle, and the guards halted him. "Who are you?" they said, in a strong and menacing voice. "I'm the Squire. My Master died in combat." He answered. "We don't believe you" "Why not? I have served our highness for many years" "He is sad, he lost his son in battle" "Let him in!" Said a voice from inside. It undoubtely was the King. "We're sorry. Enter" The guards said.
Inside, a voice chanted a sad tone. It was the dead Son's sister, Joanne. "I know, I'll promote you to knight." The knig said, and the procession took place secretly.
The 2nd Chapter is coming soon! Please give your opinion about the story.
The story itself seems promising but theres just something about it I don't like. Maybe the way you've laid it out? You haven't written a single proper paragraph, yet stories are supposed to have paragraphs; you've written it more like an abstract poem. The sentence structure could be a little more varied too, its like you've just bulletpointed what happens.
The dialogue is good. Like I said, its promising, but perhaps write it as a proper story, and make your chapters longer!
So, I made Chapter 2! You can join for characters, as said in the first post, and I hope someone likes to volunteer for Ilustrator. Here goes chapter 2:
--Chapter 2-- The Banquet
When he was a Knight, and the other Knights knew him well, the king said in a powerfull voice :"Now, let us feast!" They walked inside the long, dark corridors that went into the Hall, wich were full of Antique Armor, Shields, Ornated Tombs in gold, silver, and steel, and windows, wich looked into the far village named "Gohntea", wich was big, but was not fortified as the castle, with its tall turrets, murder holes, and trebuchets, also a strong, tall, big and thick wall, painted green, surrounded the castle. Inside, hundreds of peaple were assembled for the great feast, and it had Turkey, Meat, Boar, Chicken, some Fruit and the head of a Giant Pig, boiled. It seemed delicious. At least, a hundred peaple were there, dressed in gold and purple, and all for him. He felt tears of joy come out of his eyes, but he couldn't prevent it.
After a while, the feast started after the other knights finally arrived. "Now, let this feast start! I hope you all know the reason of this feast! Another knight is coming to our aid! This is a generous reason for a feast, since he fought bravely, wich thing his master failed, pierced by an arrow in the chest. I hope you welcome him, because, I don't know why, I think he is going to be a great warlord!" Shouted the king in the high, powerfull voice of Kings. Then, he took the giant Pig's Head, attacked it with a knife, and ate his piece, and when he swallowed... He fell to the table and died. "This is evil sorcery!" Shouted some. "The food is poisoned!" Was the opinion of others. He felt a sudden anger but to none, since he did not know the murderer of His King... Yet.
Here it is! I need now more characters. Here's the whole story.
--Chapter 3-- The Fall and Waste Of Gohntea
"Who must have done this?" Joanne asked herself. "I don't know" He answered "But it was not me" "Certainly, but the question is 'Why?'" She asked herself. She went over to to the window, and the sun made her hair shine as gold in a river of silver. She stared far away, as if looking over to the sun back, and she was sad. Her stare went over from the sun to the nearby Villages, and she looked as endless peasants transported their goods. All were approaching the castle as fast as possible. "What is it?" She asked them. "Elves, Elves, they are going to attack our village!" One of them, the tallest and fairest answered. "Call the Guard!" She shouted at him. "Hurry!" He ran over the five sets of stairs into the guards' chamber. "Come, Come! Gohntea is about to be attacked by Elves!" He cried. "How is that possible?" They answered "They have remained silent for many years." "They were, as I think, reagrouping their armies. They were weak" he said.
Some time later, after the villagers went into the castle, many came to the village to protect it. They were, about three-thousand men. They fortified the Village's Walls and Towers, wich were weak and made of timber, and also the houses, wich contained a guard too. Archers stood in their roofs, ready to lay fire on any Elves. Suddenly, thousands of red dots came approaching from the East. "They are coming!" Some shouted. "Fire the Trebuchets!" The leader of the forces in there, Fred, said. Rocks started flying against the red dots, and suddenly, ten siege towers layed out of the forest, tall, metal covered and strong. Fiery rocks came out of the forest. The walls started falling, many holes were made. Suddenly, the red dots started approaching at an incredible speed, and then they stopped. They could now be seen clearly. Their armor was red, and their hair was the same color. They started coming, approaching, and some ladders started being hewn at the walls, wich were damaged. One siege tower, the tallest and most Great of them, received a Fiery Ball, thrown from a trebuchet, under his middle, and it falled, greatly. The Elves started entering the city, and a great fight started. Elves started pouring inside the Village, not entering the houses but burning them, and most lay in ashes. Then, they came hand-to-hand with the knight. "I will kill you!" He shouted. Then, ten elves came rushing at him, he took out his sword and killed some, one gave him a blow in the arm, but it did not harm him, and he continued fighting, and finally, all the ten elves lay dead. "Retreat! Retreat!" Shouted Fred. Then, a Poisoned arrow pierced his skull, and he died. The knight fled in a horse, and he and other twenty-six were the only survivors.
"We're few, only 27 of us, including me, returned." Said Johk, admiral of the castle, who had lost an ear in the fight. "There where about ten-thousand elves. Gohntea, and many hundreds, lie dead there. We are only fifty-hundred in the castle. Let us fight with honor!" "It is hopeless" Said the Knight "But we have no other choice" "That's right" Said Joanne "We need more men. Sire!" She cried to her bodyguard. "Yes, Ma'am?" He answered "Bring me my armor. I wish to fight." She answered. "That's crazy talk!" Said Johk,"You will die and there is no hope of another heir to the throne. we're loosing, the best you can do is retreat through the tunells behind the castle and go to the other side of the mountains. Take all the children and women with you." "You are no one to give me orders!" She cried, In a powerfull voice that shook Johk. "I'm fighting, and you cannot change that, for that is my will, and I will fight, Even If I receive death as a reward. Are you My father to give me orders?" She asked, screaming. "No, Ma'am." The admiral answered "Then are you my mother? My King? Queen? Prince?" She shouted. "No, no and no. Fight if you wish, but that's a crazy idea. I'd counsel you to take the young to the other side!" "Why don't you do that yourself?" She asked, and her beautifull face returned to her, and her smile too. Some minutes passed. "I don't know!" He said, breaking the silence.
Meanwhile, the Elves sang and ate. "The next day, after the next day, we march on their castle!" Their leader said. "Yes!" His army answered. There was a loud applause, and Joanne heard it. "Their coming the day after tomorrow." She deduced. "Fast, Johk, raise the fires to alarm the Vertol peaple, Dan, you go south, take a horse, you, Frank, go throught the tunells for reinforcements, and take the young and elderly with you, clear the castle of everyone that won't fight. Return from the other side of the mountains, since we are blowing up the tunnels, so they don't follow you!" So they prepared themselves for the great battle, somewhat excied, but scared too.
