Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Three and a Half Elves
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I've been avoiding making a writing thread, but I finally decided to do one. I hope it's well received. First, I'll give you the basics: Three and a Half Elves will be an episodic adventure closely based on a D&D campaign I'm running. I figured it should be in Art, Music & Writing because I wrote the story as well as the episodes. Yes, I know that a D&D campaign is hardly the best story to write and I, personally, think such a story is just above fanfiction, but, in my defense: A) This is the only bit of writing I feel like putting on Armor Games and B) for the story, I change loads of D&D rules to fit generic fantasy world instead of 3.5 D&D. So, in the story, spells won't be too directly ripped from D&D and, more important, the characters won't advance as much. No arbitrary leveling up, no huge change in power as the story progresses. Anyway, on to the actual introduction (this is the forward).
Action! Adventure! Humor! Intrigue! Swords! Sorcery! Boring talky bits! From morally complex villains to blatantly corrupt heroes, Three and a Half Elves has everything you could ask for in a generic fantasy romp! Watch as our witty protagonists do battle with sinister monsters and devious politicians! I'll outline the cast below:
Erinakka - Erinakka hails from the wild forests, far from other elves. Having grown up far from civilization, she had to rely on her wits and strength to survive. She wields an axe with double-bladed heads on either end. Don't ask me how. She is know for her combat prowess and stoic demeanor â" as long as she's in a good mood. She is an elf and her name means "Jaws of the Forest" - I'm not the nerd who though of that!
Zorthar the King of Kings â" Zorthar is an elven necromancer of some power. Instead of using "uncivilized" murder-spells like fire and lightning (though he uses those, too) he prefers more subtitle murder-spells, such as those that drain energy or hinder foes. He is cunning and deceptive, which has saved him from the law many times. While he is an unrepentant necromancer, he is generally good-hearted, though often greedy an arrogant.
Chad McBuff - Chad McBuff is an elven assassin from the northern lands who came to United Utopia to find work. As a result, he has an odd accent and a strange name, including a wacky "last name", whatever that is. He is a master of stealth and assassination skills, such as climbing buildings, picking locks, sneaking and, of course, stabbing. He will kill anyone if the price is right, and the price is often "kill a man just to watch him die". The other Elves just try to point him in the right direction.
Miu â" Miu is a half-elf. She tends to be quite and maybe a tad mysterious. She has no ties in the area and no title. Miu is level-headed straight man of the group. She tends to be seriously interested in what is happening and is the driving force behind anything the Elves accomplish, ever.
That was way longer than I intended. Story starts next post!
PS: I'm testing to see if my off-site formatting works. Know that any broken symbols are there for SCIENCE!
- 37 Replies
In case you wondered Zahz the mystic drowned himself in two inches of water whilst railing against an unjust world. He hadn't killed something with magic in almost twelve minuets. Instead? He had been using magic to heal people. Healing isn't even real magic anyway. I mean think about it; Are any crawling horrors called forth from half formed realms and sent to flit through the shadows lurking behind the eyes of men? No. Some light shines on someone in a vaguely erotic way and then they get up and don't become a sacrifice for Lord Grum... Er... I mean uh... I like the benevolent sun god and I do not approve of sentient sacrifice or infecting children with terrible diseases no matter how funny it might be?
Oh, new post! Oh, never mind. That doesn't count.
Zorthar, Miu, and ErinakkaThat's- yeah, that's pretty much it. It might change a bit when the other elves join the party, but for the most part, Erinakka's the only one who even pretends to be good.
Important question for a mod: Through a comedic series of campaign-spanning DMing hijinks, a character (soon to make an appearance) has been inadvertently named after a (copyrighted) sword from a book I never read. Should I change the name to something completely original or leave it as-is?
Anyway, here's what happens to players when they complain about lack of violence:
Three and a Half Elves Chapter One: There's Always a Cave! Episode Four: Looking for Trouble
"So then Zorthar will create an illusion-" Miu explained.
"I cannot create illusions! What is so hard to understand about that?" Zorthar exclaimed once again.
"Fine, fine. Some wizard you are." said Erinakka. "Does any body remember the layout of the cave?" Miu made a face. Zorthar looked impatient.
"Yes, I do!" said the annoyed Zorthar after a few seconds.
"Ah, good to see you'll be contributing to some degree." said Erinakka. "My plan is complex in its simplicity: We will carry light sources with us."
"Obviously." said Miu.
"That's about it." admitted Erinakka. "We just go to the cave and hope for the best."
"This'll be good." said Zorthar sarcastically.
With that, the Elves returned to the cave with torches. Following Zorthar's instruction, they made it back to the small desk. Having avoided the kobolds thus far, the Elves plunged into unexplored darkness. Soon, they found a big, menacing gate. It was made of wood and covered in carvings of dragons, kobolds and heathen deities. The Elves opened the gate with surprising stealth. They followed the well-worn path deeper into the cave.
"Is it just me, or is it getting colder?" asked Zorthar of no one in particular.
"Yes, that's what caves are like." said Erinakka. "Constant temperature no matter the outside weather. Pretty chilly."
"Actually-" started Miu.
"But that doesn't explain the drop in temperture." Zorthar reasoned.
"Sure it does-" Erinakka started, but it was her turn to be cut off:
"Guys, shut up. I hear something." Miu whispered with a note of alarm.
"Kobold?" asked Zorthar.
"Shut up!" hissed Miu. The Elves extinguished their torches and sneaked deeper into the cave, with Miu taking point. Fortunately, the kobolds on whom they were sneaking up were distracted.
"So then I was like, take this, dirtbag!" exclaimed a green kobold, slamming his fist into the palm of his hand. His bronze-scaled compatriot nodded. "I guess you priests don't fight much, huh?" continued the green one.
"Not if I can avoid it. I'm not much of a fighter." said the bronze one.
"Most of the mages aren't. Don't you work in construction?" asked the green one.
"Yeah. That's more of a temporary gig though." confirmed the bronze kobold.
"I know how that is." said the green one, nodding. "So anyway, me and some of the guys are playing cards at Lu's place later tonight. Wanna come?"
"Why not?" agreed the bronze one. "I don't get out en- arrrggh!" At that moment, an arrow emerged from the priest's chest. Miu jumped from the darkness and pinned the non-shot kobold.
"Okay, the other one's dead. We'll interrogate this one." said Miu as she hog-tied the struggling kobold. The priest, however, seemed to disagree with Miu's assessment, as he was currently chanting an incantation.
"Erinakka, step on that thing's neck." Miu commanded. There was a squeal and a crack. "As I was saying, the other one's dead. Let's question this guy." The Elves sat in silence for a few seconds.
"What did we want to ask him?" asked Zorthar.
"Dunno." admitted Erinakka. "Wait, I've got it: Why is this cave cold?"
"That's just how caves are." replied the bemused kobold.
"Why does it get colder as we get deeper?" demanded Zorthar. The kobold exhaled sharply.
"Uh, well you see... um..." started the nervous kobold. "It's, um, not because we have a-"
"It's because it gets farther from the sun, isn't it?" asked Erinakka suspiciously. The kobold was speechless.
"Yes, that is exactly it." agreed the kobold after a moment. "You have divined our dark secret."
"I knew it." said Erinakka, nodding. "Where's the entrance to your kobold base?"
"Down the hall and to the left. Can't miss it." said the kobold hurriedly. "Can I go now?"
"Nope. Decapitation time!" declared Erinakka, grabbing her axe.
"Bummer." replied the kobold, cementing his place in the history of last words.
"Darn." said Erinakka. "I should have said: 'Yeah, you can go: To Hell!'" She made a swinging motion with her axe. With that, the Elves went down the hall and to the left. They found what appeared to be a large, circular, wooden room. A thick rope, extending from a mechanism on the ceiling, went through a hole in the wooden floor. A lever was located on the opposite side of the room.
"No one pull that lever!" warned Miu. "It could be a trap."
"Pulling lever!" said Zorthar. With a wave of his hand, he pulled the lever remotely. With a lurch, the room began to descend.
"Nice, an elevator." said Zorthar. Miu and Erinakka stared at him. He stared back.
"Huh." he shrugged. "Anyway." The Elves rode in silence for a few minutes, not because they traveled far, but rather because the elevator was quite slow. The elevator eventually lurched to a halt. Needless to say, a host of kobolds was waiting for the Elves.
"Well crap." said Miu.
"I guess we die fighting." said Erinakka.
"Humans! We will give you one chance to surrender!" shouted the lead kobold.
"We'll take it!" said Zorthar a little too enthusiastically. The kobolds disarmed the Elves and extinguished their torches. They were led through the darkness at spear point. After a short time, they halted.
"So why do you you reckon the kobolds don't carry light sources?" asked Erinakka.
"No idea." said Zorthar.
"We can see in the dark." sighed a kobold.
"No one's talking to you!" Zorthar exclaimed. "I think they can see in the dark."
"Really!" interjected the kobold, not even faking a questioning tone.
"If we want to escape, we should do it now." said Miu. "They seem to be distracted by-"
"You know I can hear you." said the kobold.
"No one cares!" said Erinakka. "Seriously man, we're trying to have a conversation here."
"So anyway, we could grab some weapons and fight our way out while they're busy." continued Miu.
"There are so many things wrong with that plan it's not even funny." observed the kobold.
"Do you think you're a member of this team or something?" demanded the exasperated Zorthar. "We'll kill this guy first."
"You have to be kidding me. Move along." the kobold sighed, prodding Zorthar with his spear. The procession moved into an enormous, circular room. The kobolds leading them shut the gate they had used to enter and set to work lighting torches around the walls. The Elves looked around.
"Neat. They have a giant arena." commented Zorthar. At that, four spinning balls of light appeared near the ceiling, lighting the entire stadium and making the torches somewhat redundant. Quite a few kobolds were sitting in benches above them, including those with whom they had entered.
"How'd the get up there?" Zorthar wondered aloud.
"Now what?" asked Miu.
"We wait." Erinakka answered.
Suddenly, a disembodied voice shouted to them: "Welcome, humans, to my arena! Because of your invasion of our cave and your poor treatment of prisoners, you will be killed horrifically in battle for our amusement." the voice paused. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that actually makes sense."
"I wonder if they'll give us weapons." wondered Erinakka.
"In case you were wondering, we will not give you weapons." said the high-pitched voice. "So, uh, let's get this show started or something." The gate on the other side of the room opened.
"We've got some big rats and some skeleton warriors." said the voice. "They should make short work of these jerks." A few rats scurried into the room. They were rather large rats, but they were just rats. More imposing, a group of skeletal figures shambled into the room. They were armed with an assortment of weapons, from simple clubs to pole-arms.
"OK guys, you focus on disarming them while I weaken them with magic. I know you don't have weapons, but we can do this." Zorthar explained quickly and quietly. Miu and Erinakka ignored him.
"What?" he demanded.
"I don't know if you noticed, but those things are piles of bones, forced into a hideous semblance of life by the darkest of magics." Miu squeaked.
"Granted." said Zorthar, glancing back at the shambling horde of monstrosities. "So?"
So, we can't fight them!" whined Erinakka. "Maybe if we had maces or clubs or something, but our bare hands? What should we do? Punch them? They have no organs to damage! Break bones? They feel no pain!"
"Except of course their aching hunger for the flesh of the living." Miu chimed in.
"No, that's zombies." Zorthar corrected her. "Skeletons don't need to feed. They do despise everything of light and good, though. That might be a problem." Zothar looked back at the skeletons, which were advancing slowly. "Do I have to everything myself?" he asked.
"Yes." said Erinakka. Zorthar rolled his eyes and sprung into action. He fired a few bolts of black energy at a skeletal swordsman, ripping its arms off. Seeing that the actual battle had started, the skeletons charged. Zorthar fired a an explosive blast of purple magic and ran, so as to lead the skeletons away from his teammates. A skeleton ran towards him brandishing a brandistock. Zorthar pointed at the beast, causing a thin strand of blackness to flow from it and into his finger. He raised the other finger and allowed the blackness to escape in the opposite direction. The skeleton clasped into a heap of bones and obscure weapons. Zorthar began to chant and wave his arms about. Instantly, a group of skeletons became sluggish and weak, barely even holding on to their weapons, much less waving them about threateningly. Another group attacked before he got to admire his handiwork, however. They charged at him in wedge formation, with swordsmen in the front and spearmen in the back. Zorthar fired a shockwave of energy, knocking most of the swordsmen over, allowing the spearmen to take point.
"Actually, that might not have been such a great idea." said Zorthar as the lead skeleton thrust a corseque at him. He ducked slightly and knocked the weapon out of the way, striking just below one of it's menacing triple-blades. He punched with his other arm, just for style, and let loose a huge plume of flame, engulfing the entire swarm of undead.
"That wasn't too difficult." Zorthar said, brushing an imaginary speck of dirt from his coat. "Oh, wait, those guys." The group of slow skeletons sort of bumbled their way towards him. "This problem more or less solves itself, actually!" Zorthar waved his hands about and did what appeared to be a soft-shoe number.
"Shut up, it's magic." he snapped.
"I didn't say anything!" Erinakka chortled. Sure enough, the skeletons began to destroy each other with their own dubious pole-arms.
"What!?" the voice from the ceiling squealed. "How is that possible?"
"Dark cloak, skulls, goatee, black and purple dweomer, do these things mean anything to you?" demanded Zorthar of the ceiling.
"Oh, well, ah, that makes a lot of sense, actually." said the voice. "You guys sit tight, I'll figure something else out." Zorthar started collecting choice bones and whistling merrily. Miu grabbed misericorde from a charred, skeletal hand. Erinakka picked up a pole-arm.
"Excellent." she said. "I've always wanted to try a ranseur."
"Alright, I've got it." the strange voice declared. "We've managed to round up some stuff to kill these humans. Some soldiers, a weird-looking flea monster, and a few human prisoners. Oh, and a trained war goat." A strange ensemble was led into the arena. Five kobolds, one goat, six dejected humans, armed with clubs and a massive, snakelike beast with tentacles for a face .
"Also: Deathtrap." said the voice. As it spoke, a previously unnoticed trapdoor in the middle of the floor opened. It was about ten feet deep, with an assortment of whirling death blades at the bottom. The humans looked at the Elves. The Elves stared back at them. A bit of horrific violence later, The humans and the Elves had tossed all five kobolds into the death pit, only losing one man to the kobolds' spears.
"Miu! Help me with this goat!" Erinakka shouted as she wrestled with the surprisingly well trained goat.
"Guys, guys, help, quick!" Zorthar shouted, pointing at the snake monster. A human struggled feebly as he has pulled into the creatures gaping maw. Two more humans lay eviscerated beside it. A forth was hanging limply from one of its tentacles. Miu looked at her misericorde.
"Why don't you help?" she asked defensivly.
"I ran out of magic, like, a horde of skeleton warriors ago." Zorthar stated flatly. The remaining human fled from the snake monster. Erinakka tossed the goat to its messy death and raised her ranseur.
"Uh, guys? That's thing's, like, forty feet long." Erinakka observed, her resolve fading.
"Good luck!" said Zorthar cheerily. Miu gave Erinakka thumbs up.
"Use your pole-arm!" shouted the last living human. "You have better reach!"
"OK, look, it has eight tentacles. Eight spiky tentacles." Erinakka shouted. "You wanna try it?"
"Maybe if we just stick to our half of the room, it won't hurt us." suggested Miu. "I'm pretty sure that's how animals work." As if in response, the creature fired a blast of green liquid from its mouth. The pestilent glob struck the human who had advised Erinakka, rending the flesh from his bones.
"Holy-!" shouted Zorthar. "It spits acid!"
"Stab it, stab it, make it dead!" shouted Miu frantically. Erinakka screamed and charged the monster. It reared back to strike her like a cobra. Erinakka thrust the ranseur into its freshly exposed belly. Its scales were more likely than not forged in the very fires of hell, but they yielded to the ranseur's prongs easily. It writhed and hissed, flailing its tentacles and tail around until it finally fell silent. Erinakka gave the ranseur a tug before deciding to leave it in the dead beast.
"That was, ah, really easy actually." said Erinakka, vaguely unsatisfied. "Let's get out of here."
"Be careful not to step in the pool of poison blood!" Zorthar advised.
"You really think it has poison blood?" asked Miu, heading for the open gate the beast had used to enter the arena.
"Do you want to risk it?" asked Zorthar in answer. Miu laughed as she stepped over the snake's leviathan corpse. With that, the Elves exited the arena, unmolested by the shocked guards.
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...and when they complain about how the violence is boring, they get this.
Important question for a mod: Through a comedic series of campaign-spanning DMing hijinks, a character (soon to make an appearance) has been inadvertently named after a (copyrighted) sword from a book I never read. Should I change the name to something completely original or leave it as-is?
I think you mean trademarked, since you can't names can't be copyrighted. There may be nothing to worry about but I am not sure and will look into it. (But please don't tell its Glamdring.)
I think you mean trademarked, since you can't names can't be copyrighted.Same thing. But yeah, that's what I mean, I suppose.
(But please don't tell its Glamdring.)I read that book. Besides, that wouldn't quite have the right ring to it.
Anglachel? Anguirel? (That book was so boring as a book, but not that boring as a "historical epic".)
Okay, so put up a disclaimer and we'll see what happens.
Who's this new mod? And where did all of Gantic's posts go?
Thread continued. Retcons:
1) Erinanka, not Erinakka. This was a hilariously careless oversight on my part.
2) All instances of "Tiamat" should be read as "Moro" and all references to five-headed dragons should be read as references to a "Rainbow serpent". Got that? Now where were we:
Three and a Half Elves Chapter One: There's Always a Cave! Episode Five: Mini-boss
The Elves scampered down a clearly kobold-made hall and took a left. The entered a round room with a pit in the middle. A few kobolds were standing around the pit, chatting aimlessly.
"No, we're good." said Erinanka as the Elves turned and left. They went right instead and followed a small passage to a fork. They took a right. They entered yet another round room, with targets along one wall. A few bows lay unstrung on a table. Miu gave them a once over before selecting the one that would fit her best. She strung it and grabbed a few arrows from a second table.
"That was convenient." observed Zorthar.
"Stupid kobold sized bows." Miu grumbled. The Elves proceeded to the left. They found another room. Pipes made of ice pumped water in various directions. Along the walls, a few very large pipes could be seen, one of which had a humaniod figure floating inside. These and other factors prevented the Elves from getting a good view of the entire room, but they were willing to bet it was also round.
"This place won't be important." Zorthar said, proving once and for all that he was a capable diviner. The Elves left and followed the small passage back to the main passage and continued along it away from the arena. Soon, they found a glorified hole in the ground. It was large, about twenty feet in diameter. A ramp was built along the edge of the pit, spiraling down into unknown darkness. The Elves followed it. As they descended, they noticed a drop in temperature.
"Seriously, this place is friged." said Miu.
"I'm telling you, it's the sun thing." said Zorthar.
"Uh, guys?" Erinanka beckoned. "I don't think this is caused by distance from the sun." She held her torch in front of her, illuminating a tunnel. The walls, slick with ice glistened in the orange light.
"Weird." said Miu calmly. The Elves proceeded into the icy tunnel. They found a small passage diverting from the main one, leading to the east. They followed it into an enormous room, filled mostly by an underground lake. A small ledge of ice encircled the lake, just wide enough for a kobold to walk on relatively safely. The dim torch light illuminated the other side of the lake, revealing a small peninsula with what appeared to be a treasure chest. The Elves went back to the main tunnel. After following it for some time, they found yet another gate, different only in that this gate was made of ice. With a bit of violence, the broke through it and into a large, circular room. In the center of the room was a raised platform with a set of stairs leading to a throne made of ice. A group of seven armored kobolds, armed with spears and shields, stood around the platform in a semi-circle. Four more kobolds, dressed in robes, stood behind them. Miu nocked an arrow. Erinanka reached for her axe only to realize she didn't have one.
"Leave this place. This is your last chance." one of the robed kobolds shouted.
"Make me!" teased Erinanka. The kobold charged, spear held out with one hand. Erinanka dodged to the side and grabbed the spear and pulled it forward. The kobold tried to hold on by pulling it back, which Erinanka used as an opportunity to jab him sharply in the chest with the blunt end of the spear. She then yanked the spear out of his grip and struck him on the top of the head with it. The kobold fell to the floor, clutching his head. Erinanka weighed the spear in her hand. The balance was a bit off, but it would do.
"Eh, the balance is a bit off, but it'll do." Erinanka said, rotating the spear rapidly.
"Humans!" shouted another kobold. "We will not underestimate you again! Surrender, or you will be killed."
"We can take you." Zorthar responded confidently.
"Even if that were so, do you think you can escape?" asked a red-robed kobold with white fur, yellow eyes and small horns. "The other warriors are on their way as we speak. It is better to surrender now. We may even let you live."
"Yeah, I've been wondering about that." Erinanka declared flippantly. "Why haven't those guys from the arena killed us yet? Can't they follow us?"
"Apparently, there was some trouble with a pair of giant, flaming worms they were going to use on you. I'm pretty sure they're on their way now." the robed kobold explained.
"That makes sense, then. I guess we'll have to kill you quickly if we want to make it out alive." Miu observed. The robed kobold responded by firing a bolt of black energy at her. Zorthar, recognizing the necromancy, countered the spell with a wave of his hand.
"Excellent!" he cheered. "With more practice, you might be able to kill and reanimate a field mouse!" The kobold warriors charged, but their spear and shield combination was no match for the bowmanship of Miu or the spearmanship of Erinanka. Within a few seconds, the kobold warriors lay dead or dying. Miu aimed her bow at the few remaining robed kobolds. Zorthar was busy messing around with forces to dangerous to imagine. Erinanka held the tip of her spear to the throat of a robed kobold, who was backed up against the stairs.
"Uh, parlay?" he suggested.
"Sure. We'll take you hostage, and then-" started Erinanka.
"Where's the secret door!" Zorthar demanded, cutting her off.
"The what?" the kobold asked.
"The what!?" Erinanka demanded.
"The what?" Miu chimed in.
"There's always a secret door!" Zorthar shouted, hands bursting into flame.
"Behind the throne! I'll show you! Don't kill me!" The white-furred kobold squealed.
"Wait, seriously?" Zorthar was taken aback. His flames faltered and died. "By all means, show us the secret door." The kobold sat up slightly.
"Are you going to move that spear?" he asked courteously. With some reluctance, Erinanka lowered her spear. The kobold stood up and brushed his cloak.
"Right then. Follow me." The kobold walked around to the back of the throne platform. He raised his hands in front of him. Erinanka raised her spear.
"Ah, I'm going to need to cast a spell." The kobold explained. "Put that thing away... and make sure your friend doesn't counter my spells." Zorthar sneered. The kobold touched and pressed the ice in a variety of ways, saying a variety of things in a variety of languages. Soon, it slid down to reveal a spiral staircase.
"Is this an escape route?" asked Miu sensibly.
"It will lead you to the surface." he kobold replied with a smile.
"So it's guarded by more kobolds." Erinanka concluded, stepping into the stairwell.
"Oh, goodness no." the kobold responded, smile widening. "There are things in this world far worse than kobolds."
"I'll have to take your word for it." Erinanka chuckled. "But I'm sure nothing is worse than your melodrama!"
"Yeah, or your stupid face!" Miu jeered as she followed Erinanka.
"Loser!" called Zorthar as he stepped backward into the staircase, forming his left hand into an L shape and placing it on his forhead.
"You know that's back- never mind." The kobold sighed, closing the door behind them. The Elves chuckled as they descended the spiraling stairs. After twenty feet or so down, the stairs lead to an icy passage.
"We forgot to kill that kobold." Erinanka observed.
"He wasn't important anyway." Zorthar reassured her. The Elves followed the passage into a rectangular room at least a hundred feet long, lit by a few orbs of light no brighter than the moon bobbing near the ceiling. A large, rectangular pool was in the middle of the room, seeming black in comparison to the reflective ice. On the wall opposite the entrence, another throne of ice stood on a small raised platform. Miu's eyes widened. Something on the throne was moving.
"Guys?" She asked nervously. "What's that?"
"Kobold leader guy?" Erinanka suggested.
"That kobold said there weren't any kobolds down here." Zorthar recalled.
"What, and kobolds never lie?" asked Erinanka. Zorthar shrugged and followed her toward the throne. As they walked along the side of the lake, they noticed an extreme drop in temperture.
"It's below freezing." Miu stated simply as she looked across the lightly rippling water. Erinanka nodded grimly.
"What ever's in that throne ain't friendly." she affirmed.
"Or entirely human." Zorthar agreed. Erinanka glared at him. "You know what I mean." As the Elves approached it, the thing on the throne uncurled itself, long tail peeling away from its body. It raised its ovoid head, revealing shocking, light blue eyes. Two leathery wings unfolded from its back, stretching out to feel the air. It stood on four legs, white scales glistening in the moonlike light. It stretched and yawned, revealing a row of razor-sharp teeth. As it did so, it pawed the throne with its outstretched from legs, leaving deep scores in the ice. Its casual disregard for the elves was almost menacing.
"False alarm, guys! It's just a cat." Zorthar called. In Zorthar's defense, the dragon was no larger than a cat.
"Thank the gods. I was scared for a minute there." Erinanka said, relieved.
"Let's find that secret exit." Miu agreed.
"Not so fast!" called a high-pitched voice.
"Who said that?" asked Erinanka, alarmed.
"Me, you morons!" The irate dragon responded.
"Do you know who said that, kitty?" asked Erinanka in a baby voice.
"I will end you." said the dragon, as if merely stating the weather.
"Aw, look, a talking kitty!" Zorthar cooed.
"You will be first to die." said the dragon, annoyed.
"Seriously though, who are you? What are you all about?" asked Miu. The dragon blinked in surprise.
"Um, all about? I'm, um, a dragon." The dragon cleared his throat. "Yes, as I was saying: I am Lord Icingdeath, dragon lord of Ratclan!" The Elves stared in silence. "Also, this cave."
"Oh, that makes sense I guess." Erinanka agreed. "What's a Ratclan?"
"Ratclan. That's what the clan is called." Icingdeath explained bemusedly.
"Oh, like your dragon clan?" Asked Miu knowingly.
"No, those are different dudes entirely." Icingdeath snarled.
"I think I understand now." said Miu.
"Finally!" Icingdeath interjected, rolling his eyes.
"The people from earlier. They weren't killed by kobolds. There were no cuts, no injuries." She said.
"Maybe you aren't so stupid after all." Icingdeath sneered.
"You killed them, didn't you? Even a young dragon like you could freeze people to death. That's why the bodies were frozen!" Miu explained.
"What? No! Those people tripped!" Icingdeath retorted.
"What? Then why did you freeze the bodies?" Erinanka asked, alarmed.
"Why did I freeze the- Is this some sort of a trick question?" Icingdeath demanded suspiciously.
"I think it is clear what we must do." Miu said solemnly.
"Find the exit?" Erinanka suggested.
"No, bring this killer to justice!" Miu said, voice faltering slightly.
"Uh, that too!" Erinanka agreed, blinking.
"Listen up:" Icingdeath shouted impatiently. "I'm a small dragon, but I've got some big ideas. I could use people like you on my payroll. What do you think?"
"Work with you? Never!" shouted Erinanka.
"If that's how it's going to be, I guess we're done here." Icingdeath said as he began to lick himself. "The secret door's just behind this throne. Close it on your way out!"
"Seriously? That's it?" asked Zorthar, somewhat disappointed.
"Nah, I'm going to kill and eat you." Icingdeath said calmly as he sprung into action. The small dragon launched himself at Erinanka, claws extended. She screamed and jumped back, keeping him at bay with her spear. The dragon hit the ground and kept running. Miu fired an arrow with surprising accuracy. Icingdeath twisted out of the way, towards his attackers. The cat-sized dragon skidded to a halt, facing his opponents. He arched his back and opened his mouth, unleashing a great blast of ice, snow, and swirling blue mist many times the size of his body. Miu dived away, trying to protect herself with her cloak. Zorthar threw up a magical shield. Erinanka attempted to rebuke the icy blast by rotating her spear rapidly. This worked about as well as could be expected. When the Elves got up from their various states of disarray, Icingdeath was nowhere to be seen.
"Where'd he go?" Erinanka asked, as she was last to get up.
"No idea." Miu replied, trying to catch her breath.
"Water." said Zorthar, pointing at the pool.
"Will he drown?" asked Erinanka hopefully.
"No." Zorthar said with confidence. "He can probably hold his breath for a long time. Maybe even indefinitely."
"That's an easy problem to solve." said Miu, nocking an arrow. She walked up to the edge of the pool and took aim. Icingdeath was swimming speedily near the bottom. An arrow wizzed past him, leaving a trail of bubbles. The small dragon was at first surprised, then curious. Only when two more arrows missed him did he fully realize the danger. Instead of trying to swim or evade, he turned toward the incoming arrows and let loose another blast of icy breath. Instead of a cloud of ice and snow, the water flash froze following the shape of his breath. Miu's arrows were stopped and Icingdeath was hidden by the icy fractal he had created.
"Worth a shot." Miu shrugged. She continued to watch the water, ready to fire. Erinanka and Zorthar stood vigilante.
The Elves waited as the icy fractal sunk to the bottom of the pool, its fragile branches shattering gently. Icingdeath was no where to be seen.
"Maybe he got scared." Erinanka suggested. "He's probably hiding in a corner of the po- argh!" The icy floor beneath Erinanka exploded as the dragon burst from the surface. It grabbed Erinanka in its mouth and pulled her off balance. She tried to right herself, but slipped on the ice, falling face first. Icingdeath pounced upon her, digging in with his front claws while biting and raking with his back claws. While the lacerations were semi-serious and somewhat painful, Erinanka was not too worried: Icingdeath was not particularly large and she was armored. Zorthar launched a bolt of blue energy at the dragon. Seeing the bolt, it kicked off Erinanka, ripping a hole in her chain armor. The dragon looped up, twisting its body through the air to remain right-side-up. The blue bolt of magic curved up, resetting its course to hit Icingdeath. It struck him with a burst of blue sparks at the apex of his loop. Icingdeath squealed as he lost his lift and began to fall towards the ground. Icingdeath tried to maintain some dignity by hitting the ground rolling. Miu quickly fired two arrows at the rolling dragon. It jumped out of the way, flapping its wings for extra lift. It landed on an icy wall, digging its claws in. The dragon ran along the wall as easily as he would the ground, closing distance rapidly as Miu aimed another shot. As she raised her bow, Icingdeath jumped towards her, claws extended. In desperation, Miu loosed the arrow too early, missing Icingdeath. That one sailed past Miu, slicing her with his claw. As he glided over the pool, he dived gracefully, plunging into the water. Ignoring the cut on her cheek, Miu ran to the water's edge and nocked an arrow while Zorthar ran over to Erinanka, ostensibly to make sure she was okay, and actually to hide behind her. Miu fired an arrow at the swimming dragon, missing him once again. Erinanka ran around the pool, positioning herself on the opposite side from Miu, hoping to surround the dragon. Zorthar stayed where he was, spells ready.
Icingdeath sat in the middle of the pool, occasionally releasing puffs of bubbles from his mouth. His twitching tail matched his expression of concentrated agitation perfectly. Miu rocked on the balls of her feet, unsure of what to do. She glanced from Erinanka to Zorthar to Icingdeath and back again. The dragon inhaled deeply, abolishing any questions the Elves may have had as to its ability to survive while submerged as it took water into its nostrils. The dragon pushed himself from the bottom of the pool, traveling rapidly up and towards Miu, who kept her arrow trained on him. He burst forth from the water, flaring his wings to stop himself. As he opened his mouth, Miu saw glowing blue light in the back of his throat. The light advanced, grow brighter and larger, accompanied by the sound of rushing wing. Miu fired her arrow, striking Icingdeath just under the left foreleg. The dragon rolled to the side, letting loose a small jet of icy breath, as exhaled from the impact. He flapped his wings, trying to retain his lift. His limbs flailed as he tried desperately to dive back towards the water. A cough and sputter sent more smaller jets of ice breath at the water, freezing in in patches. Icingdeath opened his mouth as he was about to hit the water, unleashing the rest of his dragon breath, freezing a broad swath of the pool's surface. He regained his balance as he skidded to a halt at the end of the platform. He grabbed the shaft of Miu's arrow with his mouth, pulled it out of his flesh and snapped it off. He glared at Miu, baring his teeth and growling. She stepped back, flinching imperceptibly. She shook her head and drew an arrow: She had almost allowed herself to be intimidated by a cat. Seeing her moment of weakness, Icingdeath charged, snarling. She fired her bow, prompting him to jump to the right and roll, losing little speed while evading the arrow. She fired a second shot, missing the dragon by inches as it darted between her legs, continuing towards Zorthar. The sorcerer quickly fired a green glob from his hand. The flared its wings, flying neatly over the explosive globule of pestilence. Zorthar swore as he began to turn and run, but the dragon slammed into his chest, grabbing hold with its claws. Zorthar stumbled and fell as the dragon bit at his shoulder and clawed his chest. Before Zorthar could push him off, Icingdeath hopped backwards off Zorthar, turning his attention back to Miu, who was drawing an arrow.
"Ha!" Icingdeath barked, whipping his head in Miu's direction. A bolt of red lightning shot from Icingdeath, striking Miu in the knee. The half-elf fell forward as the spell swept her leg out from under her. Erinanka swore as she started to run around the pool again. Icingdeath glanced at his two downed opponents, knowing he hard moments to act before they got up. Deciding that the mage was the most unpredictable and therefore dangerous, he turned back to Zorthar with the intention of ripping out his throat. Zorthar, however had a different plan in mind and responded to the dragon's advances by firing a scorching ray of magic from his palm. Icingdeath was thrown against the wall by the burning beam as Zorthar got to his feet. Icingdeath assessed his situation. The Elves, one of whom wielded fire magic, had him cornered. His arrow wound was almost completely healed, but his burn would surely be more difficult to regenerate. Seeing no other options, the irate dragon turned around and clawed furiously at the wall, digging through it.
"Bull-" Erinanka swore as the dragon's tail disappeared into the newly formed hole.
"Defensive positions, everybody." Miu ordered, expecting Icingdeath to return.
"Battle's over. We win." Zorthar stated.
"He could come back." Miu reasoned.
"Elves one, dragons zero. Let's take his stuff and bail." Erinanka suggested.
"What does that put kobolds at?" asked Zorthar, genuinely curious.
"Like, negative four." Erinanka shrugged. "Come on, he probably keeps his dragon horde behind his throne." A quick investigation revealed that Erinanka was correct: Behind the frozen throne was a small pile of dubiously valubale treasure. A few wooden eating utensils enshrined a twisted stick, shard of green glass and four silver coins. It was all neatly arranged on a thick, red cloth.
"Anything good?" Miu asked.
"Four falcons." Erinanka answered negative, pocketing the silver coins. "And this blanket." Erinanka pulled out the red cloth, carelessly shaking the other treasures from it. Upon closer examination, the cloth turned out to be a red, kobold-sized robe. Erinanka shrugged and threw it in her pack.
"Guys." Zorthar called absentmindedly "This dragon's hole leads somewhere." Erinanka and Miu looked through the hole Icingdeath had left as he escaped. A narrow, stone passageway extended past the foot thick wall of ice. After a quick group huddle, the Elves elected to follow the secret passage.
"Are you sure it's safe?" Miu asked as Zorthar melted the ice.
"What's the worst that could happen?" Erinanka reassured her.
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So concludes chapter one. Next: Post-chapter reader activity, an overview of currency, and Three and a Half Elves: Chapter Two: Flight from Fort Fearsome.
Disclaimer: The name "Icingdeath" is not original. It is the name of a sword in a novel set in Ed Greenwood's Forgotten Realms campaign setting. No, I couldn't be bothered to change it or even "borrow" a less silly name.
The Cheeseman has returned to replace the White Rabbit. Should anyone guess the origins of the Cheeseman, he will be silenced.
Way to make me read everything over because I forgot where it was at. And I swear this episode is a lot longer than previous ones. (It better be to make up for all the lost time.) Also, I don't believe in retcons. :P
OMGs. OMGs. You stole from Drizzt?! DRIZZT?!?! Drizzt is legend! And uh, isn't Icingdeath also a dragon...? Maybe you should've called the dragon Twinkle instead.
The elves aren't actually based on real player-characters are they?
And OMGs. You're going to pull a neverending dungeon, aren't you?
The Cheeseman has returned to replace the White Rabbit. Should anyone guess the origins of the Cheeseman, he will be silenced.*mumbles something about forum rules*
Also, I don't believe in retcons. :PMy main regret is that "Minions of Tiamat" rolls off the tongue so well. "Servants of Moro" not so much.
You stole from Drizzt?!I prefer the term "borrowed". That will come up more later. IT'S HOMAGE IF YOU CHANGE IT AROUND A BIT, RIGHT!?
And uh, isn't Icingdeath also a dragon...?A quick bit of research reveals that yes, Icingdeath was a name for a dragon in the same story. Tragic, really. Icingdeath in Three Halves of a Whole was originally named because my friend and I had no idea Drizzt was anything more than the secret unlockable character in Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance. A secret character's sword is as obscure as references get, so it seemed like the perfect name for a miniboss with a bit of flavor. Oops.
Icingdeath in Three and a Half Elves is named Icingdeath because it is essential that he carry the name from Three Halves of a Whole.
The elves aren't actually based on real player-characters are they?They are based on PCs, but more consistent and with less metagaming. It's worth noting that Miu, Zorthar and Erinanka were not the only characters present during this phase of the campaign. People bounced in and out as we got a group together.
Drizzt is arguably the most famous character from Forgotten Realms, which is the most popular D&D campaign. D: He's featured in multiple video games and books.
They are based on PCs, but more consistent and with less metagaming. It's worth noting that Miu, Zorthar and Erinanka were not the only characters present during this phase of the campaign. People bounced in and out as we got a group together.
Your gaming sessions must go by really quickly.
What makes you say that? They are a bit on the short side, 'tis true.
Three and a Half Elves Chapter Two: Flight from Fort Fearsome Episode One: Cold Pursuit
The Elves trotted along the snaking passageway in high spirits. They chatted aimlessly about saving villages, their adventures, and what they would do to the dragon if they caught it.
"Are we there yet?" Zorthar whined.
"We don't even know where we're going." Erinanka retorted.
"I hope we aren't there yet. This tunnel sucks." Zorthar said.
"Quit whining and make us something to eat." Erinanka instructed.
"I don't know how." the sorcerer sniffed. Erinanka rolled her eyes.
"You can conjure up dead things readily enough. Why not something edible?"
"Erinanka, we have some food in my pack." Miu said.
"So?" Erinanka demanded.
"So eat some."
"The kobolds stole your backpack." Erinanka stated.
"Before that, the mystic dude stole all out food anyway." Zorthar chimed in. Erinanka sighed.
"Then he made us eat it under the guise of hospitality." Zorthar added. Miu's trail rations were probably less appetizing than any of the rotting corpses Zorthar might have conjured, but Erinanka would have taken anything she could digest.
"Maybe we'll just starve to death in this cave." she lamented.
"I don't think anyone has actually starved to death from missing lunch." Zorthar pointed out. Miu's torch burned out, signaling the turning of the hour. The Elves stumbled about in the darkness, trying to find their path, or at least a torch.
"Where are the torches?" Miu cursed.
"Your backpack." Zorthar guessed.
"Where's the-" Erinanka started.
"Still stolen by kobolds." Miu answered.
"Our food was in there!" Erinanka moaned.
"That's okay. Zorthar can conjure us some more." Miu suggested.
"Don't start that again!" Zorthar swore. The Elves bumbled their way down the pitch-black passage, bumping their heads on every stalactite, stalagmite, and column they came across.
"That's it, give me your spear." Zorthar commanded. Erinanka complied.
"Ow! Not the sharp end, you dimwit." Zorthar wrenched the blood-stained spear from her grip. He muttered something between a swear and a spell and the tip of the spear began to glow with a sickly green-yellow light.
"That's better." Zorthar rubbed his forehead.
"Why didn't you do that before?" Erinanka asked, more confused than annoyed. Zorthar shrugged.
"You let us stumble around in the dark for no reason?" she demanded, more annoyed than confused.
"Guess so." Zorthar shrugged again.
"You're even more useless than-- where's Miu?" Miu was standing some fifteen feet back, not having moved since Zorthar cast the light spell. The elves doubled back. Miu was staring into a smaller, previously unnoticed side passage. Erinanka looked at her. She did not look away from the passage.
"What? Do you think we should go that way?" Erinanka asked.
"No. Troglodytes come that way." Miu responded absentmindedly. Erinanka raised an eyebrow.
"What's a troglodyte?" Zorthar asked.
"No idea." Miu tore her gaze from the passage and followed Erinanka's glowing spear along the main tunnel. The Elves continued to walk down the dark, winding tunnel for an hour. Twice they came to an intersection and twice Miu discerned the right direction by tracking Icingdeath's blood. Eventually, they came to the light at the end of the cave. Past a moist barrier of slimy moss, the Elves found the light of day. A bird screeched high above as the Elves looked around the landscape. As far as they could see in any direction, they were in the middle of a swamp.
"So this is Salivating Swamp!" Erinanka observed. "It looked smaller on the map."
"I'm going back to the cave." Miu announced.
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Sometimes I worry that the Elves show little personality. Then I remember that just means I'm staying true to the source material.
I'll be trying to update every Sunday in the future. Even during NaNoWriMo.
What makes you say that? They are a bit on the short side, 'tis true.
I've forgotten why.
Where are teh grues! *googles grues in D&D 3.5* Dangit Xzeno!
"You can conjure up dead things readily enough. Why not something edible?"
"You let us stumble around in the dark for no reason?" she demanded, more annoyed than confused.
I love how Erinanka can be so pragmatic.
I'll be trying to update every Sunday in the future. Even during NaNoWriMo.
It's not like you need to be writing everyday during NaNoWriMo and/or not already have some sort of buffer of chapters of 3.5 Elves.
It's not like you need to be writing everyday during NaNoWriMo and/or not already have some sort of buffer of chapters of 3.5 Elves.But Gantic! Three and a Half Elves is not a novel! And having a buffer would be akin to cheating! How dare you expose my pl- I mean, uh... That Erinanka, huh?
How dare you expose my pl- I mean, uh... That Erinanka, huh?
Don't worry. I'm sure no one knows that Miu is an idiot-savant with very high lore but no understanding of what the lore actually means.
Don't worry. I'm sure no one knows that Miu is an idiot-savant with very high lore but no understanding of what the lore actually means.
I'd give you half-credit. While well said and arguably true, it's really not quite the point.
The World One: Currency
Three kingdoms -- United Utopia, Prosperous Port and Silverport City -- form a region known as Loner's Land of Annoying Alliterations. This title draws international criticism, based on the rationale that the land is no more the Loner's land than any other land on the planet, and it was the Loner's land long before humans decided alliteration was "in", and calling him "The Loner" is a little outdated anyway. Fortunately, no one speaks too badly of Prosperous Port and the Utopians never cared much for international opinion.
Among other trade agreements, the city-sates of Loner's Land of Annoying Alliterations all make use of the same currency:
Hawk: The lowest denomination of coin, a hawk is made of copper. One side is stamped with the visage of the king of United Utopia, while the other side bares the image of an Orcish Auger Buzzard. This leaves a few foreigners dreadfully confused, but, as Utopian officials point out, the buzzard pictured is arguably a hawk, even if only the most drunk and ignorant would argue that a buzzard was a hawk. Orcs, gnolls, and pretentious folk refer to these coins as "buzzards". Everyone else calls them copper pieces.
Falcon: A falcon, worth ten hawks and one tenth of an eagle, is minted with the image of the king of Silverport on one side and a Saker Falcon on the other. Falcons are notoriously popular with the working class and notoriously unpopular with everyone else.
Eagle: A golden coin with the king of Prosperous Port's head on one side and a bald eagle on the other. Used for worthwhile transactions by peasants and nobles alike, the eagle is the basic unit of currency from which all values are extrapolated. Calling these coins "golden eagles" is considered very bad form for obvious reasons.
Owl: A large, rare coin made of platinum. Bares the images of a barn owl and the head of Princess Annaliese, long dead princess of United Utopia. Owls are worth ten eagles. Some owls are minted with the image of a sea bird instead of an owl because of their use in bulk trade, particularly in ports. For this reason, the owl is often colloquially to as an albatross.
Vulture: These red coins were once worth one hundred eagles. An image of a vulture marks the âtailsâ side while the horned head of arch-demon Martial graces the âheadsâ side. Vultures have long been out of circulation, as the orichalc out of which they are made is worth far more than one hundred eagles.
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The classy way to roll is to weave exposition into the plot. But I just told players this stuff because their characters should already know it, but no player would ever make mention of the background flavor text. Also: Didn't feel like writing a real entry.
Turns out "every Sunday" was code for "never". Oops.
But yay, update. This means you have to update Lore now, right?
Three and a Half Elves Chapter Two: Flight From Fort Fearsome Episode Two: At Least These Ones are People-sized, Right?
Sun at their backs, the elves followed Miu through the darkening swamp. Birds squawked and bugs buzzed as the day dwindled. The Elves trekked along, silhouettes pressed against the orange sky. Miu felt uneasy. The ambient sounds of the swamp were becoming oppressive. Perhaps she had made a crucial error and was leading them the wrong way. She double-checked the trail before returning her eyes to the horizon. They were heading East, avoiding caves, avoiding circling vultures. Perhaps it was merely time for Erinanka to start whining again.
"I'm hungry." Erinanka complained as they crossed over a fallen log.
"I know." Miu said.
"I thought you were finding food." Erinanka whined.
"I'm finding civilization." Miu glanced at the ground before turning her eyes back to the horizon.
"Well find some food." Erinanka purposelessly rummaged through Miu's rucksack.
"Fine." Within a few minutes, Miu led them to a gaping hole in the moist earth. It led to a cavern, overgrown with slimy vines and ropy tree roots.
"Food." Miu announced, pointing to the patches of red berries growing around the cave. Erinanka immediately began picking berries. Miu and Zorthar also descended on the berries, picking the scraggly bushes clean.
"These are pretty good." Erinanka said between mouthfuls "How'd you know where to find them?"
"Trolls plant them near their lairs to attract prey." Miu explained, nibbling on a berry.
"But they only hunt at night, right?" Erinanka said, hastening her eating.
"They're most active at dusk and dawn." Miu corrected.
"Maybe-" Erinanka started, but Zorthar cut her off:
"I didn't know trolls lived in swamps." he announced loudly.
"Where else would they live?" Erinanka asked, worries fading.
"Mountains?" Zorthar was more baffled than anything.
"Who ever heard of a troll in a mountain?" Erinanka demanded.
"Everyone!" Zorthar shot back. With a sigh, Miu left them to their bickering. She was acutely aware that trolls made their homes in wetlands, or forests in a pinch. She scanned the horizon. It really was getting dark, and Erinanka's worries were not entirely unfounded: The troll might return to its lair for the night. Her head turned to movement some five hundred yards away. Hey eyes narrowed. A wagon was stuck in the swamp. A group of humanoids and pack animals stood around it in disarray, some attempting to pull the wagon out of the mire. She strode back to her companions.
"Shut up, you two." she ordered.
"Seriously, Miu. Swamps?" Zorthar demanded.
"Either take my word for it or you'll find out. Now come on, I find people." Miu beckoned them. The two elves bounced eagerly to their feet.
The Elves hid in a tangled mess of swamp grass.
"Lizard men." Erinanka observed, eyes protruding from the brush.
"Lizard folk is he politically correct term." Zorthar army crawled up beside her.
"I don't see any lizard women." Miu pointed out.
"Like you can tell the difference." Zorthar chuckled. As they watched, the lizard persons tied a rope to their wagon. Each wore a breast plate, a steel helmet, a shield and a sword, save one: One stood, silvery chainmail glinting in the golden sun. He wore no helmet, crown of curved spines branching across the orange sky. At his waist, he wore a long, thin sword in an elegant sheath. His metal hands wrapped around the rope, giving it a tug.
"He looks important." Miu observed.
"We'll take him out first." Zorthar concluded. Miu nodded.
"Seriously?" Erinanka raised an eyebrow.
"I'll sneak in, position myself." Miu instructed "When I give the signal, take down the guy in the chainmail." With that, Miu wrapped her cloak around herself and darted from the grassy knoll. The two watched her duck and roll through the swamp, trying to come at the lizards from an oblique angle. Erinanka slowly turned to face Zorthar.
"So, do we wait for this whole thing to blow over, or...?"
Some fifteen minutes later, Miu began her approach, having adequately positioned herself. She moved in, staying low and slow. She threw her body into the muck as a lizard sentinel turned her way, spreading her cloak over herself. She lifted her head slightly, eye on the lizard. He turned his back. Springing to her feet, Miu dashed towards a heavily loaded mule. It began to neigh and bray as she approached, but she quickly moved to stroke its neck, whispering calming words. The mules calmed down immediately, only its tail swatting about in agitation.
"Come on, boy." she whispered, guiding the mule forward. It staggered sideways, keeping its body between Miu and the lizard folk as it approached the wagon. She carefully followed it until she stood only a few feet from the wagon. A lizard man broke off from the group, approaching the mule.
"What are you doing here?" he called to it with a thick accent. Miu froze, pressed up against the mule's side, opposite the lizard man. She quickly looked around. Rock? Too far. Cloak trick? Too close. Snap the lizard's neck? Solid, but infeasible. The lizard extended his hand, touching the mule's flank. He slowly edged around the beast's back, eyes on the mule's burden. He came around to the other side, but Miu was no where to be found.
"Perhaps you've had too much to drink, friend." the lizard laughed. Miu, meanwhile, rolled under the wagon. She made an effort to keep her cloak between her and the watery mire in which the wagon was stuck. Fathoming why they had chosen to drive a wagon through the marsh was beyond Miu's pay roll, but she knew they had little chance of ever getting it out. She waited patiently. The wagon lurched a little. Miu was a little impressed. Slowly, the lizards halted their efforts. They began to lean on their tools and chat idly on the pretense of discussing a new approach to the wagon issue. Miu took that as her signal. She crawled out from under the wagon and quickly pulled herself up and over, into the wagon. She darted behind a crate of dates. She drew her bow and strung it, taking care to remain hidden. She leaned around the crate as she knocked an arrow. The lizards were arming themselves with shovels, picks and hoes. The leader brandished a spade above his head, marshaling their efforts. Miu aimed for the center of mass. The arrow wizzed out of the wagon and struck the lizard directly in his armored side. The lizard shouted in alarm as the arrow penetrated his chainmail. Instantly, the lizard men threw down their tools and took weapons in hand. Some, swords in hand, began to form a wall of shields around the wagon. Others armed themselves with repeating crossbows.
Erinanka looked up. An impressive rain of crossbow bolts poured into the wagon. One arrow returned fire, shattering against a lizard man's shield.
"Nice signal." Erinanka whispered.
"Think we should help her?" Zorthar asked aloud.
"Doesn't look safe." Erinanka said quietly.
"You're right." Zorthar concluded. "Let's go." The sorcerer bounced to his feet, hands glowing with the purple light of black flames. Rolling her eyes, Erinanka got to her feet. The two elves charged down the hill shouting. The lizard folk remained focused on Miu until Zorthar was in spell slinging distance. One crossbowman turned to face him, more confused than anything. A beam of crackling black energy shot from Zorthar's hand and struck the lizard square in the chest, he stumbled back, skin wrinkling and graying. Zorthar fired another bolt, causing a second crossbowman to double over in pain, clutching his searing eyes as the first lizard crumbled into dust. The lead lizard whipped around, calling the others' attention to the new threat. The crossbowmen focused their fire on Zorthar while the swordsmen closed in on the wagon.
Erinanka held her spear tightly as the lead lizard charged her. As it closed in, she thrust her spear out, keeping him at bay. After another thrust, he jumped back. He pulled his sword from its sheath, showing its slender, elegant blade. The evening sun glinted off the green metal.
"Nice sword." Erinanka gawked. "Gotta have one." She stared in silence for a second. She thrust again, but this time he was ready: He brought up his left hand, feeling the spear. He swung his sword in an upward arc, slicing through the shaft of the spear. He closed his fingers around the end of the spear as he curved his sword down to strike. Erinanka twisted away, simultaneously blocking the strike and swinging the other end of the spear for his head. He sidestepped the strike and attempted to gut her. She continued turning, trying to strike him with the broken end of the spear. Before she could, however, the lizard slashed aher leg and whipped around, jamming the spear head into her leg. She spun out of control, falling forward. He pointed the light green blade at her neck. She dropped her broken spear, looking up at him.
"You are defeated, human." he hissed.
"Really, Zorthar, really?" Erinanka sighed. Zorthar tip-toed behind the lizard, holding a large rock above his head, manic grin plastered to his face. Instantly, the lizard's long, red tail slapped Zorthar across the face. That one defended himself by clutching his face and screaming. As he did so, the rock fell from his hands, bashing him on the head. He fell to the ground, head in his hands. The lizard stared at him. Erinanka shook her head. Miu watched the scene unfold with a mixture of shock and fear. Finally, she threw her bow out of the wagon and crawled out, hands where they could see them.
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When does genre parody cross the line into self-parody? When PCs are involved, of course.
Special thanks to my martial arts adviser, Zahz, as always.
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