Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → i wrote this a year ago

what the hell what is with the symbols
sorry people i feel ashamed

people i know this is bullshit

Well With all the symbols I really don't wanna read it. Try fixing it. Don't copy and paste.

Not sure about the alignment problems, but I think I fixed your apostrophe/quotation mark problems. Sorry if there are random speech marks in the middle of dialogue, I just used Notepad++ and told it to replace all the random pictures with ".

Mutants VS. Aliens

Chapter 1

Life is hard being an alien. With small amounts of food and larf(a green liquid) aliens die. This is the reason that Moock, the alien king, decided to invade the mutant planet.
They would invade in 5 star days.

Chapter 2

Over at the mutant planet, Lowe seer of the future, saw the attack. She raced over to the royal palace and told the guards that she had seen something. The guards let her through.
"Who is it!" demanded king Egot.
"It is I, Lowe." Lowe said.
"What brings you here Lowe?" Egot said.
"I had a vision and it was big." Lowe said.
"The aliens are going to attack." She continued.

Chapter 3

"My king, our spy's have reported that the mutants have found out about our attack." Said the lead guard.
"Good, I want a good fight." Moock said with enthusiasm.
"We will win, right?" asked the lead guard.
"Of course we will," said Moock," Now leave"
Once Moock new he was gone he went through a secret chamber, in the chamber stood a mutant.
It was dead before Moock could react.
"Thank you General Rozo," Moock said.
"My pleasure," The General replied.
They both took a seat at a table. Two bottles of larf appeared out of nowhere.
"Would you like some?" asked Moock.
"Yes please," answered Rozo.
"Now let's get down to business," said Moock, "Do you have the zenons, forys, and kaddids."
"Of course I do but, first I want the money," said Rozo.
King Moock gave him the money. "Put the beasts in the shelter."

Chapter 4

"We must prepare," said Egot.
"No, I have a better idea," said Lowe," We should get the 7 Power Users."
"They aren"t strong enough." Said Egot.
"Yes they are!" She shot back," I used to be one of them, remember."
"Fine we"ll get them involved but, if we lose this battle then you will be the one who is banished from the kingdom."
"There won"t be a kingdom to be banished from if we lose."

Chapter 5

2 days after the zenons, forys, and kaddids were delivered, king Moock went to look at them. They were there but, there was something that he did not expect.
A powerworp (a powerful object that can double or triple the strength of anything) was in the shelter.
"Holy Larf," said Moock," is this what I think it is."
"Wow, I must use this."
He thought about who it would help the most. After a long time of thinking he chose the kaddids
He fed the kaddids the powerworp then left the shelter.

Chapter 6

With only 2 star days left Egot decided to have a meeting with the 7 Power Users.
When they arrived at the palace they went through the royal guards and into the royal hall.
Egot was waiting for them.
The first thing he said was," Should we get the General involved."
"All in favor," said Egot.
Everyone raised there hand.
"You are dismissed," said Egot.
When Egot knew everyone was gone, he went through a secret chamber. In the chamber stood a alien.
It was dead before he could react.
"Thank you, general."
"My pleasure," said General Rozo.
"May I have a request?" said Egot.
"Of course," said Rozo.
"May I have lozags, harolys, and jitilys." Said the general.
"Of cource but, first I want the money."
Egot handed him the money and then said," Put the beasts in the courtyard."

Chapter 7

The day before the battle against the mutants was one of the most feared days in alien history.
The children did not play in the streets. The women did not have smiles on there faces. The men were not worried because, each had received a letter that had said that they would not be needed.
Everyone feared this battle(except the men).

Chapter 8

With only one star day left Egot decided to check on the lozags, harolys, and jitilys.
He entered the courtyard and saw the beasts. They stood just like he imagined. Bold, powerful, and strong they were.
"Ahh," sighed Egot.
He then turned around and left.

Chapter 9

The two kings were on opposite sides. They were waiting for the other team to call a charge. Both of the kings got inpatient so they called the order at the same time.
Both armies rushed to the other side.
It looked even until, The 7 Power Users stepped up. Moock screamed in terror.
The 7 Power Users used there powers together to kill the aliens. After The 7 Power Users used all of there powers all of the aliens were dead.
The aliens died in vain.

The End

Sorry for the DP, but I didn't want to put my opinion straight after a column that long.


Review-y sort of thing! :>

In all honesty, I did not like the story. There are a few main reasons for this:

1. The story is lacking. There is a story but it's 9 ridiculously short paragraphs long. There's a war and you have a basic structure but there's no elaboration (you don't give much sense of place, any sense of emotions and there's no real plot twists - and whilst there's no real need for plot twists, they liven up your story a lot which is what this needs).

2. Half the story is given through dialogue. That's always the wrong way to do it. Always narrate the plot and then have dialogue to add to the character's personality, add a small bit to the plot whatever. You can't structure an entire storyline through dialogue.

3. Where's the adjectives and description? You've given us a rough idea: there's a palace, a mutant world, an alien world and then a battlefield. Do we have any idea about the landscape or appearance of these places? Not whatsoever.

4. What the Hell are lozags, harolys, jitilys, zenons, forys and kaddids? In two chapters these are mentioned with absolutely no description of who they are or why they are needed but the fact that they are beasts.

5. On the note of two chapters mentioning these beasts, Chapter 6 is a joke:

[quote=Chapter 3]It was dead before Moock could react.
"Thank you General Rozo," Moock said.
"My pleasure," The General replied.
. . .
"Now let's get down to business," said Moock, "Do you have the zenons, forys, and kaddids."
"Of course I do but, first I want the money," said Rozo.
King Moock gave him the money. "Put the beasts in the shelter."[/quote]

[quote=Chapter 6]When Egot knew everyone was gone, he went through a secret chamber. In the chamber stood a alien.
It was dead before he could react.
"Thank you, general."
"My pleasure," said General Rozo.
"May I have a request?" said Egot.
"Of course," said Rozo.
"May I have lozags, harolys, and jitilys." Said the general.
"Of cource but, first I want the money."
Egot handed him the money and then said," Put the beasts in the courtyard."[/quote]

That's a copy'n'aste job.

6.

[quote=Chapter 9]Both armies rushed to the other side.
It looked even until, The 7 Power Users stepped up. Moock screamed in terror.
The 7 Power Users used there powers together to kill the aliens. After The 7 Power Users used all of there powers all of the aliens were dead.[/quote]

That was the lamest final battle I have ever read, imagined or quoted. I'm sorry, but it is truth.

Next time you write try and add more elements to the plot, try and add some twists, develop and add far more personalities, describe the features of the landscape and very importantly, lengthen it. Lengthen it a lot.

Sorry if this sounds harsh but this story needs quite a bit of improving.

thank you