ForumsArt, Music, and WritingThe Delivered

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Ithikhar
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Ithikhar
60 posts
Shepherd

Here's the public teaser for the book I'm writing, The Delivered
Tell me what you think!

Author's note; This is a work in progress, all criticism is welcome. Title subject to change. Names are subject to change.

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Ithikhar
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Ithikhar
60 posts
Shepherd

Also, sorry for the inconvenience. If you click on the link, you'll know what I mean.

EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

Can you just post it here? Or is it super insanely make our heads hurt long?

EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

^ don't my things make you do that? lol


Nope.

I'm talking a LOT of words. Like 10+ thousand. That constitutes excessive to me.
Ithikhar
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Ithikhar
60 posts
Shepherd

Ah, well if THAT bein' the case, then I can post it here.

âNo!â Daniel roared, but it was already too late, Dr. Cameron already stabbed him with the syringe, Michaelâs head slumped to one side as the formula slowly numbed his entire body. Daniel lunged at the doctor but was detained by the barrels of twenty automatic machine guns. The doctor crowed as Daniel frantically thought of an escape plan, but nothing came to him. He was trapped by the one who knew him most. Danielâs tail twitched as he slowly thought about what had just happened: he had failed. After years of serving the King, learning His ways, countless months waiting for the day Michael would begin his journey, Daniel had let Michael, his fellow agents, and even the King, down. Daniel lowered his ears, revealing his acceptance to the truth.
âFinally you give up! How long did it take you to realize that this day was inevitable? The King knew this would come, yet he didnât tell you! He didnât tell you that you would fail did he? Without your, âKingâ, Michael would be sitting with his parents enjoying a normal dinner! Without your, âKingâ, you could still be human! Dr. Cameron mocked. âWithout your King, you could have completed the transformation in stead of wallowing on the edges of humanity, and be stuck as a man in a beastâs body!â Cameron paused, letting the words steep in Danielâs head. It was true, after all. Daniel was a human, but trapped forever in a beasts body. Unable to think of anything to combat Dr. Cameronâs fatal words, Daniel drooped his head. Everything he knew, everything he trusted, was now pierced through the very core of it all. The King knew that this would happen, and yet, He sent Daniel and the rest of SC-17 on this suicidal mission. Solemnly, Daniel dropped his head, showing submission to his inescapable death.
âTie that miserable beast up!â Dr. Cameron ordered, âLock him in the holding cell away from the others!â Four of the twenty barrels dropped to follow the doctorâs orders. Daniel looked up at one of the guards and was answered with the butt of his gun.

When Daniel had woken up again, he wished it was all a dream, but then he remembered what had just happened, and he cried. For the first time in fifteen years, the dams he built, blocking all sadness crumbled to pieces. His mission failed, Michael was gone, and who knows what happened to his fellow men who he took on the mission with him. Not even the names of the King gave him comfort anymore. Had the King really intended for all this to happen? The King foresaw a man who had the power to change the world, or kill it, and His majesty chose Daniel, one of an extremely large group from the ST division, and one of the lesser known sections, 17. He was chosen to lead this mission, the mission that could save the undecided and lost, or damn them forever. All his comrades from Section 17 were on this mission, and even a few from Section 12. Sean, Quinn, Rem, they were his friends and all of them he hadnât heard from since the ambush. Daniel got up off the cold floor, but his vision blurred, his head throbbed, and he succumbed to the pain and collapsed on the floor.

Again, this is a work in progress, all critique is highly welcomed!

EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

Lol I remember when I had that proplem....I was such a noob :P


All of us (well, most at least) have experienced the bane. D:
Ithikhar
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Ithikhar
60 posts
Shepherd

Gah! I hate it! I hope it doesn't detract too much from the story.

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
9,821 posts
Shepherd

You tend to be adjective/adverb-heavy, especially in the fist paragraph. Try focusing on making the nouns and the prose itself descriptive enough so that the adjectives and adverbs aren't needed as much for the message to hit home. Your sentence structure seems a bit repetitive, though it may be the smartquote symbol problem exacerbating it.

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