Hey guys, recently, as part as an English lesson we had to write a short story (500 words max.) on the given theme: wire. Quite an abstract theme but I decided I'd write a story based around barbed wire because then I can do some pretty grim stuff! I haven't completed it yet but I want some feedback on what I've got so far.
I'm only 12 so avoid ripping on my amateurness too much!
It was not my squad's decrepitude or inexperience that prevented our advancement up the beach but rather their morale after seeing the rows of silhouetted, baleful barbed wire scattered across the terrain ahead. With the route to our rendezvous point lit simply by the shallow light of the pale moon we were all conscious that any attempt to manoeuvre the vorpal barb was a deathwish. As we stood still, glaring thoughtlessly ahead, we felt the chill night air seep through the tough fabric of our garb and I began to realise that we'd soon die of either starvation or hypothermia.
There were three unpleasant ways to die making it a difficult choice, I soon began contemplating all the possible routes, all the tactics we could use, all the equipment we might need. I raised a silent hand and my squad gathered around me attentively. "We will now leave, follow my lead," I whispered to the rest of my squad. I quickly took charge and began tramping through the sandy landscape towards our first row of obstacles with my squad following close behind. They all foretold a grim outcome and we were all aware that this was a treacherous and dangerous attempt to reach our goal. At least we'd tried, at least we'd tried.
That's 214 words from quickly counting so that's subject to incorrectness, but please tell me what you think so far.
Hmm. This could be better, but it is good. Really nice on the detail, but add detail and or names to the characters. Like "Rico's face was hopeful, while Steve's was grim." Something like that. And on this part
I raised a silent hand and my squad gathered around me attentively. "We will now leave, follow my lead," I whispered to the rest of my squad.
You overused squad. :/ some Synonmyms for squad : team, group, unit, etc. And u spelled manuever wrong :P and In the beginning,
It was not my squad's decrepitude or inexperience that prevented our advancement up the beach
Advancement up the beach? are they on a vacation? Use terrain or something along the lines of war if you are gonna say squad and that And if you are gonna use terrain in the next sentence, use area. So instead of: It was not my squad's decrepitude or inexperience that prevented our advancement up the beach but rather their morale after seeing the rows of silhouetted, baleful barbed wire scattered across the terrain ahead.
Use: It was not my squad's decrepitude or inexperience that prevented our advancement over the terrain, but rather their morale after seeing the rows of silhouetted, baleful barbed wire scattered across the area.
I personally think that sounds alot better. Death wish is not one word either. Also, don't use "glaring thoughtlessly ahead" try "staring thoughtlessly ahead" And "We felt the cold night air seep directly through the tough fabric of our garb." For the next paragraph, try "Even with those unpleasant ways to die running through all of our heads,"
"Trampling though the thick landscape if you aren't gonna use the beach. But other than those few errors, it was really good. for a 12 year old ;P
You overused squad. :/ some Synonmyms for squad : team, group, unit, etc.
Hmmm, yeah, just read it and it does seem a bit over-used.
And u spelled manuever wrong :P
I did, but only if you're American. Americans took out the oe which has Greek origins and the re which had French origins so they could remember the word easier.
Advancement up the beach? are they on a vacation? Use terrain or something along the lines of war if you are gonna say squad and that
It doesn't sound like too much of war a scene but when I was making the story I was thinking of D-Day in which there was barbed wire scattered across the coasts of France. Secondly, I wouldn't like to keep where they are a secret until they started walking and I describe the ground as sandy, because even then, that doesn't necessarily imply that it's a beach.
I do see your point though.
Death wish is not one word either.
Indeed! That was a typo.
Also, don't use "glaring thoughtlessly ahead" try "staring thoughtlessly ahead"
I like that more. I'll change that.
"Even with those unpleasant ways to die running through all of our heads,"
So like: Even with those unpleasant ways to die running through all of our heads, I soon began contemplating all the possible routes, all the tactics we could use, all the equipment we might need. I raised a silent hand and my squad gathered around me attentively. "We will now leave, follow my lead," I whispered to the rest of my squad.
So like: Even with those unpleasant ways to die running through all of our heads, I soon began contemplating all the possible routes, all the tactics we could use, all the equipment we might need. I raised a silent hand and my squad gathered around me attentively. "We will now leave, follow my lead," I whispered to the rest of my squad.
Except don't use squad twice in the same sentence. XP And yes, I am sadly American. The people who butchered every other language to make their own. Glad I could help ya!
lol so true moonfairy and we don't speak English we speak American we should probably remember that.
@Elite Are you sure you're twelve, because while I noticed the flaws in it, I know I couldn't write half as well as that when I was twelve. I actually had to look up vorpal, and realized after I saw its meaning that it should have said vorpal barbs.
their morale after seeing the rows of silhouetted, baleful barbed wire
baleful and silhouetted while making the sentence more profound, impair its ability to flow. Also considering you're using scattered in the next sentence don't use rows, as you'll be contradicting your self. I personally think it my sound a bit better as 'after seeing the bundles of razor sharp barbed wire, scattered around the foreboding terrain. But that's just me.
the shallow light of the pale moon
use faint, faded, feeble, slight etc. because shallow seems to be talking about a depth
baleful and silhouetted while making the sentence more profound, impair its ability to flow.
True. I'll remove silhouetted since the next sentence implies that things would be monochromatic and therefore silhouetted in most cases.
Also considering you're using scattered in the next sentence don't use rows, as you'll be contradicting your self.
Rows can be scattered. Individual pieces of barbed wire could be organised but as a group they could be scattered.
'after seeing the bundles of razor sharp barbed wire, scattered around the foreboding terrain.
I don't really like bundles - sounds a bit colloquial - and whilst metaphors are nice I don't really like razor sharp, however I'm definitely including foreboding as it adds a bit more despair to the entire thing which is exactly what I'm aiming for.
use faint, faded, feeble, slight etc. because shallow seems to be talking about a depth
I suppose. Now that you mention it I like feeble. So feeble will replace shallow.
I'll stop responding to every post now, seems kinda spammish.
Nah it isn't spam. and are you a genius? Cause I am 14 and I don't even talk like that now... just use normal words... Cause I don't feel like looking up the words. XD
I agree with moonfairy. Overall, this is a great beginning, except for the adjective/adverb overload. Now, while you might be the type of person who uses words like "vorpal" naturally, it makes your writing sound pretentious and unrealistic. Look at it this way: you are writing in first person. That doesn't mean YOU are the main character, however. Think to yourself, "would a squad leader use words like decrepitude and vorpal? Is he really that much of a Jaberwocky fan?"
If the answer is still yes, then by all means keep these words. If not, then make the necesary changes.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: don't use your vocabulary, use your character's vocubulary.
Ah but see the thing is, his character might be writing this later on in life, as a memoir. I don't know about everyone else, but too me this sounds a lot like the older people I know.
Yeah. maybe you were reincarnated! One of the fallen vietnam soilders! haha. and yeah. I am lazy Kyo. very. i refuse to look up anything unless it really sparks my interest.
