Morrow Hill is the title to a book that I am currently outlining. I have written the first chapter, which is basically an outline of events with not a whole lot of detail, just enough for the reader to understand the story and get a picture of what's going on. I plan on going back and filling it in with more details soon.
Based on the feedback I get, I will either continue with the story or discontinue my efforts. So, please, let me know what you think!
Warning: Contains a small amount of strong language and violence/gore.
There isn't too much to point out, just a few general things.
First of all, you should focus more on stronger nouns and verbs and less adverbs/adjectives. IE in paragraph 1, you don't need to use the adjective 'further' for amplified, because it's redundant. The biggest thing you need to watch out for is the dreaded double adjective, like in paragraph 7 when it says 'old, dull routine,' the double adjective gums up the flow and is unnecessary. Also, in the first line of paragraph 7, you use the word 'typical' twice, which is a big no-no.
Just some stuff with your word choice. Your flow, voice, all of that is good. A few paragraphs are really long though, which isn't bad but is kinda a pet peeve of mine.
Because some people are too lazy to copy and paste: Link.
Well, I'll start with some positive feedback. You are definitly good at building suspense. The entire time I was reading it, I was thinking "what's going to happen?", which is a good thing. Though, I'm a little bit dissapointed that you just left it hanging... I guess I'll just have to read the next chapter. My curiosty has been aroused.
Also, your attention to detail is decent. Not perfect, sometimes you get overly descriptive, but still good. It never impeded the flow of the story, and it helped me visualize what Crowe was seeing.
And now for the constructive critism... You have some awkward sentences, for instance:
He continued to drive like any usual night
It sounds like he is driving like the night. Instead of "like any", maybe say "as if it were." But that's a little bit too passive tense for me, so you might want to figure something else out.
Why the past tense? This is an action story, correct? The present tense is so much better for conveying a sense of action. It literally puts you in the moment.
You use the phrase "assume the worst" a little bit too much. Might want to consider changing it up, especially to something less cliche. Actually, unnecesary repitition is probably the weakest part of your story. You could significantly improve it by making it more streamlined.
Thanks for the feedback, Ak! I really appreciate it.
I most definitely appreciate your criticisms. I have already recognized most of the faults that you mentioned, for this beginning chapter is still in the revision stage. I plan on revising sentence structure, adding detail, etc. I appreciate you pointing out some specific areas in the story that need work though. It gives me a great place to start.
I do like the fact that you mentioned the end of the chapter, however, for it is one of the elements of the chapter that I was very undecided about. I wanted to create an effect that would grasp the reader's attention with the idea that they would be curious about what it was that Crowe had encountered, but I didn't want to leave the reader hanging, as you stated. I'll probably tweak that a little bit to give the reader more of a sense of what's going on without revealing everything.
Once again, I really appreciate your effort in giving some great feedback. Although I do consider myself an avid writer, this is my first attempt at a novel of some sort, so I'm bound to trip up in some places, but all of your criticisms are definitely going to help me improve. Thanks!
Don't have too much time right now. I read the first 5 chapters and so far it sounds pretty good. But 1 thing: In the very first paragraph, the second line. You said everyone now and then, while you shud just make it every now and then
Just a note, Healmeal. I'm not sure if you meant paragraphs or not, but that link is all one chapter. It's just the basic outline for my first chapter.
Same as Kyouzou. I realllllyyyyy like the suspense of it. The horror of what moster is there, the reasons of why it was this certain family, And I was about to shoot myself when I saw there wasn't a 'next' button. It could use some editing, but it is still amazing. btw, I hope this isn't another gosh darn zombie thing. Even though the people haven't been eaten, I just really don't want this to turn into some zombie crap.
