Well Satsu, it's good even though it is quite dark, but is it part of a bigger piece of work or is it just something you wrote on the spur of the moment? I was just posting to tell you to watch your comments a little, how would you feel if I had only left a post saying:
I would ask them why and then try to improve, instead of getting my undies in a twist about it. There really isn't any need to follow me around and try to put across that I've done something awful now.
Nobody is attacking you, so there's no need to be so defensive.
Well it is about love at first, about kissing him when he is in your hands, then killing him? O.o The flow just changes suddenly then ends before you can get used to it. but that is just my opinion.
Well, it's not me that's being defensive now...anyway I don't intend to give any moral or netiquette class but seeing how you're new, I was just trying to help you get the critic done more...nicely? You can't critic and wait for the people to ask what's wrong...instead, tell them and make a constructive critic *wink* Fallen the constructive knight is up and at it again. - Well your text lacks consistency but it's only due to the fact that it's not long enough to express the evolution. Then again, it is a good figure of style but in real life, I think that such a love actually takes quite a bit of time to bloom. But yes, to answer your question, part of loving somebody is to hate him as well...
Have to agree with that. Come on, I liked the beginning, but then this 'head-smashing' business started and I lost gratitude. Everyone has a line between 'oetic' and 'macabre' and for me, it kinda passed there into senseless.
The flow just changes suddenly then ends before you can get used to it.
True. If you were to rewrite this, I'd put a bit more before 'love' and 'hatred', to ease the reader and make it more interesting. Themes like this have to be written very well, otherwise they fail badly with audience.
[quote]I would ask them why and then try to improve, instead of getting my undies in a twist about it./quote]
I think FallenSky's point was that he shouldn't have to ask you to expand upon a comment, be it negative or positive. Some constructive feedback is always welcomed, right?
I would ask them why and then try to improve, instead of getting my undies in a twist about it.
I think FallenSky's point was that he shouldn't have to ask you to expand upon a comment, be it negative or positive. Some constructive feedback is always welcomed, right?
The point of this poem was to express that I felt sorrow and love combined on the said night. Overall, the flow is evenly paced for the point I tried to put across.
It would take a darker outlook to understand it, yes. It's common for us not to like things we don't understand.
It's common for us not to like things we don't understand? God, the more I read your posts, the more I find you incredibly condescendent... You wanted critic, here it is no? Now as I said, it is indeed true that strangely, love and hate mix up pretty easily (and well!?)...But you got to accept that people may find it harsh when condesated in such a little poem. A more integral version would be recommendable, but as Goumas mentionned, I see nothing wrong with your poetry.
