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Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

I'm writing a novella sort of like "1984." It involves war-torn US struggling to feed its population. It has to do with the Malthus Theory. The year is 1973, the same year as the oil crisis. You will find out what happened to the US, and everything not very long into the book, maybe around the fifth chapter. Not very long, around 10-12 chapters. Maybe more.

Characters
- Male Dynamic Protagonist (Help me figure out the name, please)
- Female Static Character (Name, please)

I need names, details for the war-torn US (I know you guys play MW2, so I don't know what I should do really), and a name for the book. I'm thinking about "Deception" as the title, but is it a good idea? Also, is 10-12 chapters too short or too long?

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thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Farmer

I don't really see that as a problem


Not to be rude, but you should. Sentence structure is very important in writing, and if you're going to write a very descriptive piece, you need good sentence fluency so the piece isn't bogged down into a pile of words. I honestly think the biggest problem with the hook is the first block of 5 sentences - there's some variation with the comma in the first sentence, but the five after it are pretty much the same sentence read over five times. The words you use aren't the only important thing here, it's how you arrange them into sentences. At the very least change the 5 sentences near the start that're basically the same.
Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad


Xzeno has it right. Try reading it aloud, and see what happens. "The kind that makes you want to stay in all day. This wasn't the case for John" is all telling, but this doesn't engage the reader's mind very much. Usual advice: try to show, not tell. I'm saying this now because I see that this issue persists throughout the entire paragraph, so it should be dealt with as soon as possible!


lol I haven't show, not tell in a while. See, I was trying to engage the reader to try a comparison to their life, and make the reader visualize the miserable life they have.

Alt's crit about varying sentence structure has as much to do with that as it also has to do with tone. As Xzeno says I don't think it's descriptive so much as extremely matter-of-fact. What's the reader supposed to think? Manipulate us! Push our buttons!


I was being quite direct, I think I'll change it up a bit.

I'd strongly advise against playing a dynamic male against a static female, because response to your story would be completely drowned in a tsunami of raging feminist critique. This is not a statement against raging feminist critique, only a warning that it is likely to happen, and if you're already trying to create a character to fit a narrative mould it will probably come off as being contrived anyway. Let your story grow and the characters will come into their own, then see where you're at.


I'll make a static male character, but with a different role than the female character. She didn't have a very large role in the story other than symbolism for something, besides, she would be introduced around the end. I suppose you're right, though.
thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Farmer

I suppose you're right, though.


Yes, raging feminists are like charging bulls(cows?) and will not listen to reason.

also, Stroppy has it right.
Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

The morning was a cold and foggy morning; John stepped out of his home, if you can consider a former garage door with wooden boarding a home, to see how his carrots were doing. The carrot leaves were forming ice on them; John began to water them. He had very little water, but he needed those carrots to survive. He set out to the market to trade a bag of oranges for some meat. He put a padlock on the gate of his garden and walked quite slowly along the broken and cracked sidewalk.

Along the way, he saw some men carrying rifles. He gave John a piercing glare, as if he was staring into his soul. John knew he was no threat, and continued; he passed many deserted houses and buildings along the way. John saw a family around a fire, and a dog with three legs. He felt pity for them, but he quickly reminded himself that he wasnât in the best situation either.
John arrived to the market. There he saw men lying on the floor, begging for food. He saw children's destroyed faces, as if they had lived a whole life time, but were in the body of small children. He wandered to a stall where meat was being sold. The vendor had a bit of grey stubble, along with long, grey hair. He had a cane and limped when he was walking over to cut the veal into slices. John took the wrap of meat and left the market for his home.

John decided to take a different path, away from the armed men and shattered family. He spotted a sign that showed a picture of Stalin and read "THE AMERICAN DREAM HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED" under it. There was a door above it; for some reason, John decided to enter, assured that he wouldn't encounter anything dangerous. There was a dark room containing the silhouettes of a chair, a desk, and a lamp. He flipped the switch of a lamp and it flickered a bit before dying down. John spotted a body lying on the floor. There was no blood spilt nor was there anything near him. At first, John thought he was unconscious, but upon further observation, he was indeed dead. John didnât think anything of it, as he encounters many people lifeless due to starvation. A few metres away from the cadaver, was another door. John opened it and found the armed men with rifles. John was stunned, at first, but suddenly, he found himself on the floor looking up at a man with black hair. The man looked at John as if he was an alien, but then grabbed his hair and picked John up and set him on a chair.

"What is your business here, fool?" asked the man in a chill, raspy voice that could pierce armor.

"I am just- I was just wondering what was in this building. I love a few blocks over and I never knew what went in on here," replied John, nervous at first, but easing up as he completed the his explanation.

"Get this intruder into the cell," ordered the man with the black hair to his fellows.

They took John into a small room; probably used to be a storage room. John decided it would be best to close his eyes and sleep on the cold, concrete ground. He woke up and found that he was in a different room. While he was there, John walked around the room thinking to himself how he got into this situation. He began to think about his parents, and when he was a child. How everything was so peaceful, and everyone had enough of everything, food, water, and a warm house. John was miserable. John was trying to understand how he had survived the transition from wealth to poverty. It was still a mystery for John. He had trouble remembering what had happened. A few minutes later, the men had stepped inside the room and commanded John to get up and follow them; he did so. They took him outside, and walked a few blocks before entering another building. This building was a few stories higher than the first. It lacked the sign that the first one had, though. John entered and was surprised to find that there were even more armed men, but these men were arguing.

"Socialism will lead to Communism!" shouted one man.

"Capitalism is what made America so successful, forming a Capitalist republic is what is best," stated another.

"This is what we are doing," explained the man with black hair. "We are trying to organize this decimated and impoverished place into a civil society. Our intentions are good, but we have trouble managing people to listen to us. You seem to be an average man who is trying all he can to survive. You are also young, and strong. I am approaching the age of fifty, and my strength is deteriorating. I cannot wait to do this, so I need you to assist me very much. What are your beliefs? What is your religion? What do you want to happen?"
"I believe that all men should have a life, and that people should help others. I just want some help, I don't like solitude, and I think you should organize people into groups to farm," answered John.

"CORRUPTION!" exclaimed one man.

"Silence, Phillip!" ordered the leader of this so-called croup. "I understand you, but the men here are afraid that that would mean having a hierarchy, giving some people power. We think that will lead to corruption, but we need a way to give everyone equal amounts of power. You provide us no new suggestions nor any reliable information. Take this fool to his home and give him some bread for his trouble."

John tried to contest but he was grabbed by his hair again and shoved out the door. He was guided to his broken home and was constantly trying to say something, but the words escaped his grasp. John stayed in his home all day. He didn't eat. He didn't read. He didn't do anything. John was wondering if he should show back up at the building where the revolutionaries were. John knew he couldn't help them, but he longed to go back. John picked up the piece of bread and decided that he would at least eat it. He then left his home and walked the path to the building.

Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

Gender has nothing to do with it. Fuck the feminists. I'm not degrading women, I'm using a female character.

Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

That was a part of the first chapter. Give me names guys. Don't criticize me on the story, I want titles, names, suggestions.

Xzeno
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Xzeno
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a tsunami of raging feminist critique.
You called?

John stepped out of his home, if you can consider a former garage door with wooden boarding a home, to see how his carrots were doing.


I'd recommend dashes: "John stepped out of his home -- if you can consider a former garage door with wooden boarding a home -- to see how his carrots were doing."

I still think you're being too matter-of-fact in your writing style.

Give me names guys. Don't criticize me on the story, I want titles, names, suggestions.
I'm sensing a contradiction of terms here. How are we to suggest without criticizing?

I like the name David. Always have. Dave for short. Everyman without being too generic (i.e. "Bob" or "john&quot. Maybe you should name the male lead character Leon.

Female names: Sarah, Megan, and Natalie are good names, I think.
Cinna
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Cinna
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Nomad

This is great dude I knew it would be.

Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

I love you.

I'd recommend dashes: "John stepped out of his home -- if you can consider a former garage door with wooden boarding a home -- to see how his carrots were doing."


Commas are used to add unnecessary information. Dashes are used to show an interjection, more abrupt. I could, but it's the same.

I still think you're being too matter-of-fact in your writing style.

I'm sensing a contradiction of terms here. How are we to suggest without criticizing?


I wish I could change that. I want criticism, not yet. I just want suggestions for the title and names.

I like the name David. Always have. Dave for short. Everyman without being too generic (i.e. "Bob" or "john&quot. Maybe you should name the male lead character Leon.


I was thinking about David, but I use the name David and Albert for all my stories. I was thinking of something different like Joshua, but Leon is good also. I was thinking about giving him a namesake, but Leon just flows with it. I also chose John as a temporary name.

Female names: Sarah, Megan, and Natalie are good names, I think.


Sarah is good.

I never really was good at ending a section/chapter of a story. I look at Ayn Rand's Anthem as she had very little dialogue and managed to end it, so I just thought I would foreshadow an action to keep the reader interested. Also, sorry for the thing. I'm doing it on Microsoft Word, I'll be doing it on Google Docs next time. It was a pain in the ass to find all the " and '.
Xzeno
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Xzeno
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I still think you're being too matter-of-fact in your writing style.
...

Well played.

I was thinking about giving him a namesake, but Leon just flows with it.
Yep, no namesake here! Just a sort of unusual name. Strop, don't ruin this! On a more obscure note, Edward is a fine name. Beverly is also a good boy's name.

I also tend to overuse the name David. David, Steve and Ted are my most overused male names.

I'm sensing a contradiction of terms here. How are we to suggest without criticizing?

(suggestions)

I now see that I have answered my own question.
Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Edward! Perfect. Just to recap, you understand the setting, right? Revolutionary spirit, solitude, and starvation.

I was trying to show that life will continue like this no matter what economic state you are in, all work and no play. That's not the theme of the entire novella, but it is the theme of the chapter. Also, did you pick up the symbolism for the dead man?

thisisnotanalt
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thisisnotanalt
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Don't listen to him! He's luring you into Leon for his own e-penor purposes! I might as well tell you to name him Chill >_>

Xzeno
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Xzeno
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Don't listen to him! He's luring you into Leon for his own e-penor purposes! I might as well tell you to name him Chill >_>
I knew this would happen as soon as I said "Strop, don't..." Forgot other WoM guys were on this thread at the time...

Just to recap, you understand the setting, right? Revolutionary spirit, solitude, and starvation.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I got it.

Also, did you pick up the symbolism for the dead man?
American dream = dead body? The American dream, like the lamp, flickers a bit and then dies. The dead body sort of reinforces this.

That's what I caught, anyway.
Strop
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Strop
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lol, poor Kevin is not going to have any idea of what just transpired.

Edward!


*shoots you*

No.

Stay the hell away from Edward and Bella for the next half-century.

I shouldn't even need to explain why.

I actually quite like John, to be honest. Give him a surname. You don't even need to mention it yet. But a nice hearty American-sounding surname would go a long way to fleshing out his character.
Kevin4762
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Kevin4762
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Nomad

American dream = dead body? The American dream, like the lamp, flickers a bit and then dies. The dead body sort of reinforces this.


Yeah, the "AMERICAN DREAM HAS BEEN RECOGNIZED." It is dead.

Strop, Edward is perfect. It is has nothing to do with Twilight. John is generic and overused, Richard is good also. Maybe Louis.
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