I write when I am bored- though I am not good at it. I am writing a small story, as I am board, and would like suggestions as well as constructive criticism. Also note this story is a sequel to another story that I didn't finish that was also a forum game. I didn't make this one a forum game as well, as I would be obligated to continue writing while here it is not so. Well here is the opining/ first chapter...
"I don't understand.. They were finished off hundreds of years ago! The powder was to much for them... They could not fight off the human with the powder. We saw them raid themselves to extinction, that is why we hid for Atha sakes!( Atha was the elvish king who's magic defended the elven island.) But the proof is in this hole in my chest, isn't it? Head the words of this old fool-stop them. At all costs."
The final words of the elvish king.
For those of you who played my "The Elvin bullet" this was meant to be the sequel, but my busy life made it so I could not finish it.
The elves, who have been living on an island defended by magic somewhere in the Bermuda triangle- were celebrating there victory over the dwarfs, who had betrayed them. There attack on the humans was stopped, however, by a lone child and a few mercenaries.
As they were celebrating, the sentries saw four medium size ships, they seemed to run on steam. Thinking they were human vessels and would be sunken by the magic, they did not fire at them but continued drinking the wine as they were doing before. It takes a lot to get an elf drunk, but that wine, be it from quantity of the wine or its alcohol content, had them singing and dancing at there posts. At about eight at night, the ships landed. Two hundred orc soldiers came out, some armed with rifles with calibers as large as a fist and were very accurate, some armed with machine guns much like the human mini-gun yet twice its size, some armed with flamethrowers with large backpacks fitting there size, and some with rocket launchers large enough for a full grown man to fit comfortably in.
At this point I would like to give a description of the orcs- the adults ranged from six feet to fifteen feet in height and somewhere between three and ten feet broad. They have green skin and have been recorded to lift twice there wait. Little is known about the orcs- as they were thought to be dead hundreds of years ago and could have easily changed there culture and strategies- yet last they were ruled by the dominant, usually largest, male who was the best hand to hand fighter. There last recorded strategies were direct and brutal, as they had thick skin acting as natural armor that even took a few musket bullets to pierce. It is unknown how modern fire arms will react to it. They had no regard for life and seemed to have little to no emotion.
Now that you know the orc's background, on with the story. The orcs advanced threw the woods in a covert manner, though they didn't need it they didn't know, and had there riflemen put a bullet in each sentries head. There were no walls on this island, so it was simple to advance to the elf city. They burned the elven homes with the flame thrower, and though the elven wood was living it gave off no smoke. They continued marching and burning, eventually leading them to the feast hall in the middle of town, were every elf was located. The elite who preformed well in the war were sitting at a table with the king, and everyone else was sorted into how many dwarf kills they had as elven culture dictates. The orc burst in single file and opened fire, killing from there left to right, the most kills to the least, many just spraying bullets. The elves grabbed there weapons and retreated to the bunker in the middle of the feasting hall, managing to get many people in before the orc advanced on it and they were forced to lock it. The remaining elves were fired there pistols, if they had them, or tried using there chairs and tables as weapons, both being ineffective and ending in there deaths. The orcs fired three missiles at the bunker door, but gave up and settled for spraying it with the flame thrower. The elves had weapons inside the bunker, but the fire made it to hot for them to be able to leave.
The orcs continued to march until the reached the elf military base on there mountain, still burning everything in there path. The door were unlocked for the celebration, as was elf custom, and the orcs had no trouble reaching what seemed to be there target-the dwarfish missiles that the dwarfs had planned to start a nuclear war with. A few of the orcs took battle axes from there black and cleared the elven wooden wall in a few strokes, as well as everything hindering them from getting the missiles and simply put them on there backs and marched back to there ship and took off. The orcs didn't lose a single man.
The orcish fire burned threw the night and the next day, even on the solid mythreal door, and then it was still to hot to open for another day. Fortunately they had many lembas and were able to feed there dwindled population easily. When they finally exited, they found there former forest burned entirely to ash. There homes were burned down, there several century old homes. It only takes a year to grow a simple elven home, but every year they grow more, sometimes adding new rooms sometimes even growing golden walls. There dismay grew further once they saw there king, sitting up with one of the large rifle bullets in his chest and a mini-gun bullet in his leg, head, and right arm. He spoke his last words, gave what seemed to be a small chuckle spitting out blood in the process, then died. It was a wonder how he lived so long with such brutal injuries. Next to him were two elven heroes who seemed to be supporting him at one time, both now dead with extensive injuries in many places.
The elven population was about one thousand before the attack, but at this moment there were only three hundred left. The bodies were mostly burned, other than a few of the stronger elves who exited the burning feasting hall.
The elves were now enraged, first a human child eliminated a whole race, the Drow, and damaged the other races, and now the orcs come and virtually genocide all of the elven races, though non were entirely wiped out. And now the orc had nuclear missiles. It was settled among them, they would find and destroy the orcs. For king, for revenge, and for the missiles.
Next is chapter two, about the human child. I think I will call it" From riches to rags".
Before I begin I think it would be effective to tell you about Dan. He is a young man, currently fifteen, with dark hair and eyes. He is tall for his age, though not incredibly huge. On his side he wore a Glock, the last thing to remember his family bye and the thing that saved his life. He had just been a normal kid a year ago, until the attack happened. The entire race of Drow came to his small town and utterly destroyed it, killing every living thing. The only thing that saved him was the gun under his dad's pillow. He escaped, but he was the only survivor.
He tried telling the world of the blue people who had attacked him, yet the rest of humanity put it down as natural disaster and thought the boy insane.
The boy ended up rich, as the last citizen of the small town the emergency funds were given to him, and private donates thinking he was insane helped. He always spent the money before it could be counted, but at one point he believed he had ten million. He spent a good amount on his underground HQ, from witch he discovered the elven island and the elves. The rest of his money went into weapons and mercenaries. It drained every penny he had, but he managed to push back the elven invasion. It was manly to his own planning and the traps he had set that they won. He only had one plan that did not go as planned: he sent all his remaining mercenaries on a human ship to the elven island. Non returned.
It had been about a month since the last attack, so Dan was feeling secure. He was still living in his HQ, it was the safest place. But he had exhausted every penny of his funds. He had food enough for about a year do to his bunker. But that was only the start of his problems. A group of dwarfs attacked the elves during the tenth, and last, wave, both the size of small armies in a small aria, fought. His plan continued as usual, and oil was pored onto the battlefield then lit. There was a fire, effecting the dwarves more than the elves as the carried explosives with them. The only remaining dwarves were captured by Dan's mercenaries and put in his HQ cell. The captured dwarf threatened him with nuclear weapons and dragons. Dan didn't even have to question him, he said everything in threats. He eventually told the location of the elf island, then Dan sent his soldiers to attack. That was the last he heard of the elves, his mercenaries, and the dwarves.
The dwarf king calmed down a little after the first week, yet he and his two men still tried tunneling out with there spoons. Somehow they were able to tunnel threw about a foot of concrete in the first week and Dan had to stop giving them spoons.
But it wasn't until today that the new problem arose- Dan was examining the dwarfish weaponry when he spotted the kings crown. Some sound seemed to be coming from it. It barely fit his head, yet it fit well enough for him to hear the message. It as followed, broken up do to the concrete walls and the ground.
"We have done as ordered,*static* Elves took the nukes and killed dr*static* What do we do? Orcs spotted near Mount*static*"
Then silence. He new from the dwarf king's complaining that dwarves spoke threw there dead leader's communication in the belief that there spirit will aid them. But it brought up the new problem: orcs. Orcs near the dwarven mountain. The dwarf king was careful not to state the aria of the dwarven mountain, though Dan assumed they were somewhere in the Appalachians.
Dan loaded his Glock, grabbed his E-tool and axe and prepared to build traps, jogging in the direction of the mountains.
Alright, first of all -- to address the first sentence in your first post. Don't think of yourself in terms of being 'good' at writing, or 'bad' at it. Everyone evolves and grows when it comes to their stages of ability. As far as I'm concerned, if you enjoy writing as much as you say you do, then if you're 'good' or not doesn't matter.
And boy, you do write like you enjoy it! A lot of time and effort went into this story, I can tell -- and it's clear you're put a lot of thought into this new world, where fantasy creatures are armed with modern-day weapons.
There are some grammatical errors. I used to be wretched at spelling and the more finicky bits of English -- but if you intend to write more, you need to learn when to use 'there' when to use 'their' and the differences between 'to' and 'too'.
When you're just writing for fun, to post it somewhere you can be a little more lax, but writing essays for school as you progress through life -- it's annoying, but those little grammar things need to be mastered.
My next point is your organization of exposition. The exposition are all the places where you stop the story to explain something in detail .. the orcs, the history of the elves in the city. The way you have it interrupts the flow of the invasion, and it makes it sort of frustrating to read through.
The powder was to much for them... They could not fight off the human with the powder. We saw them raid themselves to extinction, that is why we hid for Atha sakes!( Atha was the elvish king who's magic defended the elven island.)
Stuffing an explanation in parentheses is rough. I'd advise against it. Develop the background to your tale in paragraphs that work with the story, not in paragraphs that stop the story. Your huge, gaping paragraphs can get hard to read at times -- don't be afraid to make breaks, to split up topics! It improves readability.
Not to say the stuff wasn't interesting, of course. If this doesn't make sense, I will make another post here highlighting examples, and how best to make things 'flow'.
Okay, okay. The next bit is concerning your character Dan. Characters need to be handled carefully. Showing and not telling is a huge thing that you need to work on. I don't say that negatively, because it is a hard concept to get around. How does Dan feel about not being believed about the attack? About suddenly being wealthy, about his height? Don't just tell through straight exposition -- "He did this. He did that." Show me, though little stories. Or bits of dialogue.
Again, this is another sort of hefty thing to try and tackle in one post. I'll (once more) elaborate in another comment if you'd like, and if you don't get it.
To conclude, the story is interesting. I love that you love writing, and with the organizational details aside, I'm really excited to see what happens next.
Hit me up on my profile, or just in a reply post here if you want me to explain more.
The dwarf king continued kicking at the wall and screaming, as he had been doing since the time of his capture. How could he, the dwarfish king, be captured by a pitiful human child?
The king felt a tap on his shoulder. Stopping his kicking and screaming, he turned around to find one of his soldiers slipping quietly threw the whole he had made. The whole in the back of the room was only a distraction, he was planing all along to dig threw the thinner wall that would lead them into the HQ. At last, he was free!
They immediately rushed to there weapons, only to find them taken apart. The king then looked for his crown, finding nothing. His crown was the reason they had pretended to be locked up all this time! They could have escaped while the boy was sleeping, but the crown was kept to close to him for them to get unarmed....
The crown, as well as being valuable and a sign of kingship, was the pride and joy of the dwarfs. Not only was it beautiful, a ring of cold with three gems in the middle, a red in the center with two green on either side, but it was functional. The blue gems gave magical protection to the wearer and whoever he pleased, witch got the three of them out safely. They could take about a hundred bullets of damage before the spell broke, but it must be divided if the protection is shared. Then there is the large red gem in the center- the brain of the dwarf operation. Someone who knows how to use it could communicate to any dwarf, and they must listen to the voice. On top of that it allows whoever is wearing the crown or touching the gem to understand any language that is spoken before them. Finally, what may be the most valuable, is that it allows those who know how to use it to search threw all the dwarve's knowledge, like a big search engine. A human with that knowledge could easily end the dwarfs, as well as endanger the elves.
The king kicked a chair over and screamed. "HAVEN'T I ALREADY HAD ENOUGH SHAME!" he yelled, quite loudly and repeatedly. After about five minutes of his fit, he calmed down and ran outside with his worriers, only to meat a confused police man. When they came out from the tree the entrance was disguised as, he was so startled he jumped and pulled out his gun.
"I came about a noise report, but I think this could use a little searching" he said as he pulled up his radio...
