This is a small Spoken Word poem i did over half a year ago, the reason i believe was to of loved and lost, as well as several thousand other reasons going on in life. I wanted to write a poem and here it is, nothing fancy:
Where does our road end, When we can't find the beginning, When all hope is lost, And our souls are lost amidst the bleak future.
As our heart continues to beat, In the cold core of darkness, And something's In the Way, Yet no one's there to help.
Desperation for perfection sets In, Striving to be noticed, to be wanted, Getting nowhere but to the end of a bottle, And to the end of another day.
Suffocating Depression seeping in like blood, Clogging up the vision of our path, Pushing us backwards further in to the unknown, Our battered hope torn apart by hate and anguish.
A raging fire burning deep within, Unleashed with tears of sorrow and imperfection, No hand is out to be reached, As we are dragged down to, the new depths of hell.
Paralyzing silence takes over our mortal bodies, Gasping for air as our lungs become exhausted, Wishing our wrists were bleeding, To stop this process repeating.
Our soul, drained of its existence, Mauled by rabid beasts with black hearts, The feeling to carry on as it slips away, Through the noose of the present and future.
I've never done rhyming poetry, only rarely in school but i'm a very open person to my feelings, so i turn it in to spoken poetry best i can It's to help me more, put my feelings on paper and keep them there as a safe, and allow life to carry on as normal without them as a burden.
I disagree that this poem should have been rhymed. I think the poem owes a great deal of strength to a more spontaneous delivery and style. As far as free verse goes, it's competent, but it has a feel of mixed metaphors. Arguably it's the work of an anguished soul confused at its own torment, but I would refrain from inconsistency in your figurative language.
The other thing I think lessened the impact as I read out loud was, in this case, overpunctuation. There are commas where there should not be. If you wrote out your poem in a prose style, you will be able to see where these extra commas are. Because a comma denotes a rest in the reading of the poem, it disturbs the spontaneity of your poems flow.
