One of my poems. I would love some feedback on it.
He sat by her side, never knowing never thinking that she could be owing an explanation that she could not give, an explanation that she could not live.
She cherished each moment which she had with him, cherished the time when the lights were dim. She knew she didn't have much time to spare, so she stayed with him; an inseparable pair.
He never knew, took it for granted, he couldn't guess, the times that she panted. She needed air which she couldn't get. Her lung was dying, she wanted nothing to regret.
She laid in the bed, he sat by her side, and wept and wept and wept while she died. A knot of love, finally broken, a tale of woe, finally spoken.
Its a good poem and for the most part the rhymes work well, however the theme is extremely cliche. Also, I don't like this line, ''and wept and wept and wept while she died.'' , because it just sounds silly. I think you should try writing a poem on a rarer subject, and if you have, I'd love to read it.
I like the poem. Nice rhyme(acrobatic, if I could say so), but....err...let's just say the theme could've been a bit more original. I liked it though, minus the theme. I just don't like romance in poems, I'm sorry, but it's just been done too many times and also I think poems should have a deeper meaning. Might I suggest a theme? Anonymous, unknown. It's in sync with your name, after all. Unless it's about Harry Potter, in which case, anonymous is still a good idea. Hehe.
I agree that the theme is extremely cliche. My sister asked me to write it for her all girls English class. I'll try the anonymous idea, it sounds pretty cool. Here's another poem I wrote:
Heâs there, watching you. Your time has now arrived. Heâs there, watching you, Of life youâll be deprived.
Heâs there, watching you. The end is now in sight. Heâs there, watching you, There is no way to fight.
Heâs there, watching you. He holds his reaper high, Heâs there, taking you, So say your last goodbye.
Also, I don't like this line, ''and wept and wept and wept while she died.'' , because it just sounds silly.
Is this better? She laid in the bed, he sat by her side Tears flooded his face as he watched while she died. A knot of love, finally broken. A tale of woe, finally spoken.
I wrote this in the waiting room at the doctor's. As you can see from the poem, I was in a really bad mood.
Death, destruction, chaos. I'm in a really bad mood. Killing, slaying, murder. I have a bad attitude.
The world around is too happy. Bright lights, smiling faces, joyous souls. What we need is a little more darkness, high body count should be one of our goals.
Everyone's happy, running, laughing. What if they were sentenced to die. Their life would be painfully ended, No chance for a final goodbye.
The world would be plunged into terror. Thieves would grow stronger and tougher. All cause a stupid appointment, with a doctor who I hope will soon suffer.
That poem made me lol. It's seriously funny even though it shouldn't be lol. Poor doctor, though. I like doctors, it's not their fault you got sick or whatever xP.
