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Oblivior
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Oblivior
786 posts
Nomad

CHAPTER 1 - THE BEGINNING

The stench of blood filled the air, dead bodies as far as the eye could see... This is what everyone feared, this is what everyone thought... What everyone thought would never happen, but it did... The Zombie Apocalypse.

It all started at a research lab that was located in New York, USA. The lab was placed in the middle of nowhere, well isolated from any major cities. You know what they were doing there? Defying the laws of nature, defying god... They were... Bringing back the dead.

Tubes filled with green viscous fluid were lined, all neat and tidy in a room in the facility... Each tube contained a dead body, this was the first part of the process. Slowly, the vital organs and other parts of the dead body would regenerate. Once they were complete, they would be released from the tubes and injected with a chemical called, Z-Chem. After being injected with the Z-Chem, after a couple of days the dead would regain they're senses... They were... living. But not for long, soon after, the revived would go berserk, destroying everything they could see, they're skin began to turn green, they're voices were replaced with mindless groaning, the urge to socialize with others... turned into a lust for blood.

The researches in the facility tried to contain them, for a few moments... There was peace, silence, but soon... This silence was broken, the raging people, or what they thought were people, broke through the metal doors. They began to bite and infect every single living being in the facility, soon... Everyone in the facility was no longer living, nor were they dead. They were now, undead, better known as zombies.

The zombies managed to get out of the facility, and began to make they're way to the city of New York. These monsters craved for flesh and blood, they would not stop until the whole world would be infected.

The zombies reached and entered the city of New York... the citizens panicked, the local police officers drew they're weapons and attempted to fight back the ever increasing horde of undead. But they're valiant efforts were nothing, all they had done was increase the number and forces of the undead.

The zombies were very resilient to being damaged, even after being torn apart, limb from limb. The various severed parts would continue to move and destroy any life in they're path, the only way to kill a zombie... Would be to destroy the brain.

Not too long after New York was completely infected, the President of the United States called for the military and ordered them to dispatch the undead. Soon, humvees and jeeps were driving, mounted guns shooting, shells lay on the cold pavement, helicopters searching for survivors, the smell of gunpowder and blood polluted the air.

Everybody thought the world would be doomed, but no... There were a handful of survivors, maybe 100,000, they were all naturally immune to the virus. The immune scientists and researchers went to work on a possible cure, while the remaining immune survivors... Fought for they're lives in an effort to get to where this certain facility was.

I am one of those survivors, and as well as my friend. Sit down, and listen to our story.

END OF CHAPTER

So this is the start of my new zombie apocalypse story, hope you guys like it! Also, if anybody would like to cameo in the story as a character, contact me on my profile.

  • 31 Replies
XSilentPhantomX
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XSilentPhantomX
715 posts
Nomad

that jsust really meshed ghorribly for me... this whole dramatic monoglogue in third person thing is most definetely not your style. you introduced opening action for too early for my taste, and it seemed far to cliche and nearly staged sounding to me. the zombies eyes were filled with hate? does that mean its intelligent?

wolf1991
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wolf1991
3,437 posts
Farmer

Why do you have to act so god**** hostile? I wasn't saying you should stop, I'm just saying that's harsh and I don't agree with what you said, not that you shouldn't critique. Christ.


Deal with it.

Should I even bother? This was terrible, dreadful really. Not only have you broken a key rule in writing, which is don't change tenses in such dramatic and sudden fashion, but the grammar is off again. Also the vast majority of this "chapter" is nothing but Percival in a long boring train of thought. You need to keep with one tense, you need to cut down on the thought and deal more with what the chracter does. Thinking simply bogs the reader down when it is done too much. Thinking is used to give readers key information or to bring a previously forgotten point to the forefront. Also, I don't like where this plot is going. Yes zombie stereotypical is fine and dandy however I see nothing that can be deemed original.
XXAlienGirlXX
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XXAlienGirlXX
810 posts
Nomad

Deal with it.
Should I even bother? This was terrible, dreadful really. Not only have you broken a key rule in writing, which is don't change tenses in such dramatic and sudden fashion, but the grammar is off again. Also the vast majority of this "chapter" is nothing but Percival in a long boring train of thought. You need to keep with one tense, you need to cut down on the thought and deal more with what the chracter does. Thinking simply bogs the reader down when it is done too much. Thinking is used to give readers key information or to bring a previously forgotten point to the forefront. Also, I don't like where this plot is going. Yes zombie stereotypical is fine and dandy however I see nothing that can be deemed original.

Wolf, your not even saying critism, your insulting his writing.
You do your best at writing something and some guy just comes and starts saying that your writing was crap? if your going to be dissing his writing techniques then just do it on his profile where we cant hear you.

wolf1991
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wolf1991
3,437 posts
Farmer

I'm one of those harsh critics. I added advice in there. His writing is far from being crap. In fact it is decent compared to some of the things I've read in my experiences. Furthermore I would gladly offer something of my own work for any of you to review. You need to merely request.

jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

If his writing is far from being crap, why did you tell him it was 'terrible, dreadful really'?

wolf1991
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wolf1991
3,437 posts
Farmer

Because I'm being honest. If it were crap I would say it was crap. Perhaps I went a little overboard, but this can be salvaged. You see everyone is mostly pointing out the good in his work someone needs to be the bad guy here, what I say is true. I have experience it's not like I hate his work I merely believe it isn't good (yet). There's a difference.

XXAlienGirlXX
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XXAlienGirlXX
810 posts
Nomad

Seriously Simon, I think that you have made him too scared to post the next chapter.

wolf1991
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wolf1991
3,437 posts
Farmer

Who's simon?

Oblivior
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Oblivior
786 posts
Nomad

Thanks for the new criticism everyone, also, I'll admit that the way I place my commas is a bit choppy... If anybody has a guide on how and when to place punctuation marks, it would be REALLY helpful! I just self-taught stuff like that to myself.

And I'm sort of hurt by wolf's words, I tried my best to make it better and just classifies it as... crap.

Anyways, I'll try to listen to all of your advice, including wolf's and try to make the story a bit more interesting and less choppy. Next part might come in the weekends, I'm pretty busy at school on weekdays, so don't expect the next part until Saturday or Sunday.

Once again, if anybody has a guide on how to place punctuations, it would be a big help.

jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

If it were crap I would say it was crap.

I would hardly call that constructive criticism if you did.

someone needs to be the bad guy here

No actually, we've all chipped in a bit of CC, you felt like you had to personally offend the guy. You may have had a ton of experience or whatever - I certainly don't want proof of your own work - but there's a thin line between criticising to help improve and just plain criticising.

Sometimes when I see poorly written work I tend to get angry about it because it is so terrible, but then I'd manage to see potential in it some way or another. I wouldn't let my anger of the piece influence the way I give critique on it. I don't profess to be an expert in literature, don't get me wrong, and I understand where you're coming from, just try not to let your ... emotions ( for want of a better word) get in the way.
jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

Okay, I'll try giving you a mini comma guide, Ob. It won't be very good though, hopefully Hyper or wolf can chip in!

A man is sitting on his couch, watching TV. This man, is named Percival. He repeatedly flicks through the channels, looking for a good show to watch, one channel though, catches his attention...

I'll use this as an example.

Commas are used to indicate a pause in the flow, to slow down or speed up the pace, or to add length to sentences, depending on how they are used. Commas are most commonly used when listing multiple ideas, a perfect example of this is the previous sentence.

In your sentence, ''This man, is named Percival.'' the comma doesn't make sense because there is no need for a pause. Try reading your chapter outloud and pause for breath at every comma.
Remember that not every sentence needs a comma.

In this sentence; ''He repeatedly flicks through the channels, looking for a good show to watch, one channel though, catches his attention...'' you have far too many commas which ruins the flow of the sentence. There are ways to re-order your sentence so that it flows much better with fewer commas, for example,
''He repeatedly flicks through the channels for a good show to watch, and one channel catches his attention...'' Wording it this way builds more suspense on the second half of the sentence, after the comma.

I can't think of much else to write right now, hopefully I'll come up with something later. Also, if anyone has anything to add or change, feel free!
Oblivior
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Oblivior
786 posts
Nomad

Thanks for the advice, that should help a bit on the next one.

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
26,390 posts
Nomad

It won't be very good though, hopefully Hyper or wolf can chip in!

Happy to oblige.

Once again, if anybody has a guide on how to place punctuations, it would be a big help.

As it happens,(comma!) I happen to love teaching others, am good at English, and I also have way too much time on my hands at the moment! I will give you every way to use a comma that I know of.

1. Use a comma between two sentences that can stand alone that have been connected by a conjunction. This will give both sentences a better flow.
Stand Alone Sentences: Joe plays the guitar. He wants to learn the drums as well.
Conjoined Sentence: Joe plays the guitar, but he wants to learn the drums as well.
As you can see, the comma has replaced the period at the end of the two stand-alone sentences, and was then followed up by a conjunction(in this case, "but&quot.

2. Use a comma to separate adjectives that describe the same noun. This will allow the reader to take a short pause for breath, as well as providing more space for a better description.
Original Sentence: The carpet was slimy green and mildewed.
Modified Sentence: The carpet was slimy green, mildewed, moldy, and likely hosted several species of insect.
As you can see, the comma has been utilized so that the description can be expanded.

3. Use the comma to separate the base sentence, and an interrupting sentence. This will allow for further description of a subject without breaking the sentence.
Base Sentence: Ellen was addressing her employees.
Modified Sentence: Ellen, the superintendent of the school district, was addressing her employees.
Without the comma, we would have made those either two sentences or cut out the "superintendent" bit entirely.

4. Use a comma to connect a word or phrase that refers to the same noun.
Base Sentence: Jenny wore a pink and purple coat. Her room was purple too.
Modified Sentence: Jenny wore a pink and purple coat, and her room was purple as well.

5. Use commas to separate unconnected items in a list.
Base Sentence: N/A
Modified Sentence: The warehouse was stocked with sports equipment, food, water, and several other forms of technology.
Remember to use "and" at the end of a list! In addition, do not use commas for a list containing only two items, such as "The warehouse was stocked with sports equipment and food."

6. Use a comma to separate introductions.
Base Sentence: N/A.
Modified Sentence: To be honest, the national park was not that impressive.

7. Use commas at the end of a mild sentence.
Base Sentence: "Nice shirt Jim." Tom said.
Modified Sentence: "Nice shirt Jim," Tom said.

And that's about all! There are a few other rules with addresses and numbers, but I don't think you'll need those. Enjoy!
Credit goes to Grammar Punk education and my teachers for what I know thus far.
Oblivior
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Oblivior
786 posts
Nomad

You can be a survivor that dies out later in the story.

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
26,390 posts
Nomad

Was mah comma guide any help?

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