Here is another peom! I hope you like it. It feels like it's missing something though...needs some work. Tell me what you think and give me some feedback please! Thanx
Time seems to stop But the clock keeps ticking She tries to talk to you But the words arenât sticking
Your mind is elsewhere In another dimension A nice quite place That relieves all the tension
But Alas! You come back It was only a matter of time Before you left a world With the lands so sublime
Back to the ugly truth Now you must face your fears In front of you, is a girl With a face full of tears
Why is she like this? Why is she crying? And thatâs when you remember That your bond with her is dying
Its no wonder Your always off dreaming But your biggest dream of allâs Makeup is streaming
Why canât you see The truth that lays before your eyes? Look right in front of you The answer lays not in the skies!
Always away in a fantasy Never here in reality Never mind the slow decline of your own vitality
Can you come back? Back to this plane? But youâve gone too far To even try would be in vain
Now, in the stars Forever you shall remain Feeling only what you want to feel Knowing nothing of disdain
But let me ask you this, Being surrounded by such an illusion Its only one question But what will be your conclusion?
It seems very Dr. Seus like. What I mean by this is the way you're comming up with the rhymes, you seem to be searching for a rhyming word and while it flows it doesn't come off naturally. It also contains several cliches, but that's not always a bad thing. I would suggest working with the lengths of the lines and how they ryhme together. The length of the stanzas is perfectly fine. Correct me if I'm wrong but were you trying to creat a ballad?
Sorry to always disagree with you wolf, but I think the rhyming sounds a lot more natural than the rhyming you or I usually manage. Except maybe the rhymes in the 3rd and 4th stanzas need a little work. There are quite a few cliches but I don't think they can be avoided with this topic type. I personally prefer poems with longer lines because they always seem to flow better. But yeah, good job
Hmmm I do seem to be a master of cliches hahaha. Yeah some of the ryhming needs to be looked at and worked on for sure, and it feels like the flow needs to be adjusted. But thank you for your comments what do you think would work in the third and fourth stanzas? Sorry wolf lol I wasn't trying to create a ballad, I kind of just write untill I think it's done. Most of my poems turn out like that lol. I guess it kind of seems like that though huh? Heh.
