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locoace3
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locoace3
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Name: Thorodan
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Sect: shaper
Job: Shaper
Physical desc.: Tall, attractive, thin man, somewhat muscular(average), long hair tied back into a ponytail
personality: Very charming, quick thinker, determined, generous/kind
Bio: Raised up with stories of Sucia island, passed down from generation to generation in his family, about a mysterious machine his great great grandfather, a powerful shaper, had helped develop only helped to fuel the curiosity of Thorodan when flying over the island on the Drayk. He was raised proper, a gentleman, highly educated in shaper magic, not only in his own sect but also minor education of other sect's magics some of which he learned by paying attention to fine detail while watching them.
What do you want me to do with him: (?)
Other: (?)


Name: Alexis Quercus
Age: 24
Gender:F
Sect: Rebel
Job: Infiltrator
Physical desc.: very thin, blond hair, hazel eyes,
personality: Deceptive, Friendly, Curious
Bio:She was raised in a powerful family of Shapers, and almost feels obligated to be a good Shaper. Sadly, she never was good at Shaping for one reason or another, and her family, highly renowned among the Shapers, shunned her from society as to cover up their little... mistake. She managed to escape with his newfound spellcasting abilities, and now roams free, searching for a teacher and a purpose. ' Lone Rider without a Cause'.
What do you want me to o with him: I don't care much >.>
Other: none.


Name: Hyper M. Nest
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Sect: Shaper
Job: Agent
Physical description: Tall and Asian-looking. Long dark brown hair. Pretty, but muscly. Also; never uses makeup. NEVAH!
personality: Highly intelligent, sarcastic, cynical, realistic, and vulgar. When she's speaking to someone important she can tone it down. She can also lie very well and has zero conscience. She can become anything she wants, can pretend to be anything as well. Coldly determined but selfish. She's also very secretive. Disgusted by most of the people around her, but covers it up.
Bio: This is an unknown mystery, and she keeps it to herself.
What do you want me to o with him: Make her...important. And awesome. Lol, but seriously. Make her an important piece of the story, maybe she can become less evil over time, and then I don't mind if she dies when she turns good. But if she stays evil, she has to live. It's your choice if she turns good or stays evil.
Other: Highly skilled with weapons and martial arts.


people in my story (for my reference)


don't expect to understand it in the beginning


Chapter 1:


It was a chilly night a few miles outside of dillime,a shaper city, Alexis was waiting in a rebel safe house for the rebel caravan she got impatient very impatient it's been a few hours past their intended arrival time and they still aren't here. meanwhile in dillame Thordan was practicing making a charged fyora (a small lizard about 3 feet tall can spit globs of fire at enemies),making a fyora charged was hard to keep it from exploding, he tried and yet again failed bits of fyora coating the walls he angrily stormed off in search of his servant Jeorge "Jeorge get over here!" he yelled echoing through his mansion (as a Shaper they are well respected they get the best homes in the city), Jeorge ran up to him in a crisp robe "what will it be sir!" he said cheerfully ,though on the inside he hated it, "yes i need you to clean the mess up i need to go to the keep" Thordan commanded "right away sir!" he ran off for a towel Thordan went outside and walked up to the guarded door the guards gracefully and in unison stepped away and led him in. Hyper inside the keep getting orders from general Alwan ,the head of the Shaper army, General Alwan says in a very powerful booming voice "Ah yes hyper my trusted Agent i need you to do a very sensitive mission for me" he lowers his voice acting as if it would keep it unheard in these echoing halls "i need you to seek out a rebel safe house where they come and resupply to the journey to their hidden supply base you need to take whoever is there hostage and interrogate them for information" Hyper replied "yes sir right away sir!" then she scampered off to look for clues to the whereabouts of the safe house
  • 21 Replies
locoace3
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locoace3
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oh and before my next chapter i need feedback preferably from who ever is in my story i know the spacing is off i kinda wrote that one fast and hyper i know the sentence structure is non existent

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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Well the one thing that really, really bothered me with this chapter was the grammar. It all clumped together and didn't go nicely. Here are a few fundamental rules that you've broken; please try to rectify these for the next one?

1. Capitalize at the beginning of each sentence, and on a proper name.
2. Each time a new person is speaking, press enter and start a new line.
3. Your sentences are way too long! Try using less commas and more periods.
4. When you leave one character and start to narrate the next, skip a few lines and start a new paragraph(tab) so it won't be confusing.

SirNoobalot
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SirNoobalot
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pretty much what hyper said, not much else

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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Also; Hyper wouldn't really scamper. That's not really...maybe something more elegant or something? Stride? March? Something along those lines.
And uh "yes sir" isn't really her personality either. =(
Anyway, do you want me to like, edit the grammar for you? I can do that with mah super awesome Grammar Nazi Human Dictionary skills.

locoace3
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locoace3
15,053 posts
Nomad

Also; Hyper wouldn't really scamper. That's not really...maybe something more elegant or something? Stride? March? Something along those lines.
And uh "yes sir" isn't really her personality either. =(
Anyway, do you want me to like, edit the grammar for you? I can do that with mah super awesome Grammar Nazi Human Dictionary skills.


stride is just a fast walk not that fast\\

march entails slow prideful walking but that entails being a slow walk you need to get it done fast


and please
Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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stride is just a fast walk not that fast\\\\

march entails slow prideful walking but that entails being a slow walk you need to get it done fast

I know they're different, but what I'm saying is...scamper?
xP

By the powers vested in me by the Merriam-Webster Unabridged Dictionary, I hereby declare this story...
Grammar Nazi-fied!

It was a chilly night a few miles outside of Dillime,a shaper city. Alexis was waiting in a rebel safe house for the rebel caravan. It had been a few hours past their intended arrival time, and they still weren't there.

Meanwhile, in Dillime, Thordan was practicing making a charged fyora (a small lizard about 3 feet tall can spit globs of fire at enemies). The hard part about making a fyora charged is preventing them from exploding. Thorodan tried and failed yet again. With bits of fyora coating the walls he angrily stormed off in search of his servant George.
"George, get over here!" he yelled, echoing through his Shaper's mansion. George ran up to him in a crisp robe.
"What will it be sir?" he asked cheerfully ,though on the inside he hated his job.
"I need you to clean this mess up now, because I need to go to the keep." Thordan commanded
"Right away sir!" George ran off for a towel. Thordan went outside and walked up to the guarded door of the keep. In unison, the guards gracefully stepped away and let him in.


Meanwhile, Hyper M. Nest, a young Shaper Agent, is inside the keep. She is receiving orders from her next mission from General Alwan, head of the Shaper Army.
"Ah, yes, Hyper. My most trusted agent has arrived," General Alwan greeted her with his booming baritone voice. "I need you to do a very sensitive mission for me."
"Could you enlighten me regarding what this mission might be?" Hyper prompted with her trademark sarcasm. General Alwan leaned in close and whispered, though in these echoing halls volume was irrelevant.
"I need you to seek out a rebel safe house," General Alwan explained. "This is like their hidden supply base. They come and go, resupplying their journeys during their stays. I need you to get in there, take all present enemies hostage, and interrogate them for their information."
"Of course," Hyper nodded coolly. Then she strode away into the night.

Thar. Your story has been fixed.
locoace3
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locoace3
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actual a few fallacies but very good i appluade you


the rebel safe house is a mere check point to the supply base

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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the rebel safe house is a mere check point to the supply base

Then maybe you should've clarified that in the original. -.-

actual a few fallacies but very good i appluade you

How old are you?
locoace3
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locoace3
15,053 posts
Nomad

How old are you?


13....
Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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13....

http://images.tribe.net/tribe/upload/photo/abb/bce/abbbce42-bf43-4d96-8232-5f1a060c145c
http://www.deepjiveinterests.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/lolcat1.jpg
Just kidding. =P
So, when do you expect the next story to be out?
locoace3
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locoace3
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well when i get home i'm at my bro's house dog sitting and they're out so i'm secretly using his computer but it's a laptop and my fingers are too big for it's tiny keys >.<

SirNoobalot
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SirNoobalot
22,207 posts
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notebook laptop or a normal one? if it isn't a notebook then wow >.>

locoace3
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locoace3
15,053 posts
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well i'm not sure what it is but my computer keys are bigger and either way their smaller than a normal one but it's probably cause my fingers keep slipping and pressing two buttons at once

locoace3
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locoace3
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Chapter 2

Alexis waited,but she got way to impatient she left outside to see the farmers running away. "where are you going??" she asked "JUST,JUST RUN MONSTERS!" she knew what he meant rouge creations (a creation will go rouge if left uncontrolled for long periods of time or if made too smart so they generally don't allow either to happen they never let a smart creation be unless it was physicly crippled in a way) she looked to see a farmer fall smoldering when a large fyora came into view 2 more and a thahd. (thahd is a big muscular creation ape like and made of pure muscle colored like a brown rock he can kill you with his bare fists) the thahd say Alexis and screamed "you human,puny human die!" then charged at her with the other fyora's spitting at farmers


Thordan made his way into the keep. it was magnificent a castle with elegant tapestries and decorations everywhere. He walked to General Alwan and bowed down "what will it be General?"
Alwan said in his booming baritone voice
"yes i need you to head to a small Shaper town they have a big problem with rouges recently and we need them taken care of"
"yes sir i will be on my way sir"
"good dismissed"
he then glided away robes covering his face in a mask of secrecy to outsiders


Meanwhile Hyper already found out where the rest stop was she walked up to it,it looked like any other farmers home with the wooden door carved into the side of a mountain but she kicked in the door revealing nothing more than a few towels on the ground and a healing pod in a desk. (healing pods are water skins of Shaper made goo that you cast on your wounds and they start remaking and re connecting everything) she took it for her sake and fumed off in search of anything rebel like now that she had her own agenda for the week done she could do whatever she wanted and planned on finding that supply base


hyper if you feel like making this better grammar Nazi wise since i know it's still bad go ahead

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
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The same story as above, Grammar Nazified.


Alexis waited for a while longer, but she got way too impatient. She left outside to see the farmers running away.
"Where are you going??" she demanded.
"Jus-just run! Monsters!" the farmer stammered. Alexis knew what he meant: rogue creations (a creation will go rogue if left uncontrolled for long periods of time, or if made too smart so Shapers generally don't allow either to happen. They never leave a smart creation alone unless it's physically crippled in a way). Alexis looked to see a farmer fall, smoldering, to the ground. A large fyora came into view, then 2 more and a thahd (a thahd is a big, muscular, ape-like creation. It's made entirely of flesh-colored muscle and can crush you with its bare hands.). The thahd saw Alexis and screamed
"You human! Die, puny human! Die!" Then the thahd charged at her with the other fyoras spitting at farmers.

Thordan made his way into the keep. It was a magnificent castle with elegant tapestries and decorations everywhere. He walked to General Alwan and bowed down.
"What will it be General?" Thordan asked.
"yes i need you to head to a small Shaper town. They have had a big problem with rogues recently, and we need them taken care of," Alwan answered in his booming baritone voice.
"Yes sir, I will be on my way sir."
"Good. You're dismissed."
Alwan(?) then glided away, robes shrouding his face in a mask of secrecy to outsiders

Meanwhile Hyper already found out where the rest stop was. She walked up to it and examined it. It looked like any other farmer's home, with the wooden door carved into the side of a mountain. But Hyper kicked in the door, revealing nothing more than a few towels on the ground and a healing pod in a desk (healing pods are water skins of Shaper made goo that you cast on your wounds and they start remaking and re connecting everything). She took the healing pod for her sake and fumed off in search of anything rebel-like. Now that she had her own agenda for the week done, Hyper could do whatever she wanted and planned on finding that supply base.

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