Once, there was a man named James. James was a Scientist who helped the Army. He was pretty young, about 27 when he went on his scary adventure. This was his 10th time being invited to an army base, but he didn't know it wasn't to that same base...
Chapter 1
As James sat up in his bed, reading a book on Science, his mind was thinking when his next case with the Military would come up. Suddenly his phone rang the ice cream truck tone he had changed it to yesterday. He put the green duct tape bookmark in his book, reached over to his nightstand, and picked up the little phone. His phone was a black landline, instead of a cell phone because he saw in his research that cell phones carry radiation that can ruin your health and give you alzeimers. When he answered it, his friend named Roald Jameson who worked for the army said in a voice that sounded urgent: ''Hi, James, this is Roald'' and James said back, ''Hi, Roald, how are you today?'' and Roald said ''Good. I have a job for you tomorrow, and-''but James quickly responded back, ''But I am meeting a friend tomorrow!'' and Roald said, ''Well, date or no date, we need you here tomorrow. He have to find out about this crime case that took place yesterday. A man disappeared yesterday apparently when Margaret-his wife-was in bed. Mike was in bed too when he sopposedly 'disappeared'. And then James said ''Okay, I'll call Jake up today and I will be on your case, Roald.'' And Roald said ''Okay. Good choice. I'll see you tomorrow I guess then. Goodbye''.
This is pretty good. You used your mechanics well, but it was a bit jumbled. Perhaps starting a new paragraph when someone speaks? I like the idea though, and it's very good.
Instead of saying "and then (someone) said" try using different things like, James responded.
''Hi, James, this is Roald'' Ronald said.''Hi, Roald, how are you today?'' James replied. ''Good. I have a job for you tomorrow, and-'' James quickly interrupted , ''But I am meeting a friend tomorrow!'' ''Well, date or no date, we need you here tomorrow. He have to find out about this crime case that took place yesterday. A man disappeared yesterday apparently when Margaret-his wife-was in bed. Mike was in bed too when he sopposedly 'disappeared'." Ronald said. ''Okay, I'll call Jake up today and I will be on your case, Roald.'' James responded, defeated. ''Okay. Good choice. I'll see you tomorrow I guess then. Goodbye''. Ronald said with a final tone.
See? This version sounds tremendously better to me.
''Hi, James, this is Roald'' Ronald said.''Hi, Roald, how are you today?'' James replied. ''Good. I have a job for you tomorrow, and-'' James quickly interrupted , ''But I am meeting a friend tomorrow!'' ''Well, date or no date, we need you here tomorrow. He have to find out about this crime case that took place yesterday. A man disappeared yesterday apparently when Margaret-his wife-was in bed. Mike was in bed too when he sopposedly 'disappeared'." Ronald said. ''Okay, I'll call Jake up today and I will be on your case, Roald.'' James responded, defeated. ''Okay. Good choice. I'll see you tomorrow I guess then. Goodbye''. Ronald said with a final tone. See? This version sounds tremendously better to me.
I think this sounds a little better and the end I think is the best. Instead of a aburopt ending, I think it is better saying: Ronald said with a final tone.
I think this sounds a little better and the end I think is the best. Instead of a aburopt ending, I think it is better saying: Ronald said with a final tone.
Okay, I will change everything that you guys think I should.
The next morning, James woke with a feeling that someone was watching him. He held his head up, looked around, rubbed his eyes, noticed on the clock that is was 2:16 AM, and put his head back down. When he woke up, there was a yellow light coming through his window which he knew immeddiately that that was the sun's brilliant light. He looked at his clock, and saw it was 8:41, and decided to get up. He remembered he had a job today. A minute later, he was in the shower, scrubbing away. After taking the shower he got his clothes on, and went into his nicely laid-out kitchen. He was tired, and too lazy to make some eggs, so he just got a bowl from the pantry, and poured himself some milk and cereal. As he finished up the last spoonful, he got that same weird feeling someone was watching him. He saw a shadow of something move, so he looked out the window, and the curtain waving. He looked out, and saw nothing. He needed to concentrate for the job today, so he decided to pretend that never happened...
Is the time relevant to the story? If not, Take it out of there. We do not need a play by play of what he does in the morning. Your entire entry can be summed up into this little tid bit.
James awoke startled, with an eerie feeling of someone watching him. He went back to sleep, figuring it was nothing. When he woke again, this time to the sun's brilliant light beaming through the slits of the window shades, he remembered the job he had to do for Ronald. While he was doing his regular morning routine, he had that same eerie feeling of someone watching him. He jumped when his phone rang, and he forgot about that feeling. He looked at his phone, Ronald. -ect ect ect-
Don't go into so many sentences telling the reader what he is doing, just add in a few adjectives and try not to dive into the detail. Put in detail, but not too much. You have to let the readers imagination do some of the work.
Try to update again tonight, so I can see how your writing ability becomes better.
