This is just the beginning of a story I'm Writting, tell me what you think by commenting on my page...
Untitled
The crisp, clean smell of the mountins' air and the piney sent of the forist filled my nose as I picked my way through the thick trees. Low hanging brantches scraped there scelital, leafless fingers ageinst my bare arms and face, drawing blood. Yet, even in pain I could ot stop. Rocks, sharpened by the weather, and something more sinister, cut deep into my bare feet. And still I could not stop. It was as if something was calling me, wispering in my head, fourcing me deeper into the forist, demanding me to come to it, baring the gift of my freashly shead blood. I knew it waited in the clearing, standing amiss the tall grass and wild flowers, listening to the babbling laughter of the nearby river, and singing its deadly song. Calling me closer to it. My mind rebelled, trying and faiking to fource my body to a stop. I could see it now, an opening in the trees reveled the clearing of my memories, and him. A smile split the face of perfection, revealing several rows of sharp, white teeth. Laughter reflicted in his eyes, making them glow with hellfire. "Welcome," his voice was soft and held a tone that was reserved only fo rthe darkness of the bedroom. Fear grped my mind but my body continued forward, until I stood as close as I could without touching him. He raised his hand and swiped his fingers through the trickles of blood that ran down my face and placed his fingers in his mouth, sucking the blood off. Another evil smile split his face, "Perfect, you will make a most perfect sacrofice." "No," I felt my lips form the word but no sound escaped me. "There is no need to be afraid, I do not need you dead, atleast not for long anyway," his laughter filled the clearing, "I simply need for your soul to go down to hell long enough to... destract my "master", long enough for me to use your blood to regain my former power and then you can come right back," he said all this as if he were speeking to a small child, "but you see the only way you can go to hell is if you kill yourself." "Please," I mouthed as he handed me a knife. My fingers curled around the hilt, despite my fear, me hand was steady. I felt him in my mind, telling me to raise the knife, telling me to place it over my heart, telling me to kill myself. The pain was sharp and imeatiat. The knife entered my cheast, persed my heart, and came out of my back. I twisted the knife and again pian shot through me. My blood, dark and hot, flowed dwn my cheast and back. My knees colapsed beneath me. I found myself staring up at the stary sky. His face filled my vision, I could see his lips moving, conpleating the first part of his ritual. I chill had spread through me. Theres was nothing... I was slipping, sinking, and then I was gone...
I'm glad to see a fresh face in the writing forum As is my way, i'll critique your spelling and grammar first:
mountins
Mountains.
forist
Forest.
brantches
Branches.
scelital
Skeletal.
ageinst
Against.
ot
forgot the 'N'.
wispering
Whispering.
fourcing
Forcing.
forist
Forest.
freashly
Freshly.
shead
Shed.
fource
Force.
grped
I'm not sure :/ .
reveled
While not a selling error, I believe "revealed" is the word you look for.
reflicted
Reflected.
sacrofice
Sacrifice.
destract
Distract.
speeking
Speaking.
imeatiat
Immediate.
cheast
Chest.
persed
Pierced.
pian
Pain.
cheast
Chest.
colapsed
Collapsed.
stary
Starry.
conpleating
Completing. Don't take the above as any kind of failing on your art, you just need practice. I felt you needed to split up your narrative into three or so paragraphs as the style demanded it, I felt. As for the story itself, well done on your first effort! This is meant to be some sort of prologue before a main story? If so, you've kept the reader entertained with the vague story line and plot. Personally, i'd like to read more of you story
well i've never been good at spelling or grammer, and my computer dosen't have spell check, i didn't knoe there were that many mistakes, i should proof read better... this is only the first draft, and i think it a prologue... i think... i don't know where it will go, i've writen other stories like this and the stroy usally tells me where it wants to go... i hope this one hurries up though...
doesnt a forum thread have to have something to discuss? you said to leave comments on your writing in your profile, leaving this forum without a real topic.
They're not dead, I don't think, this is just the first draft of a potental beging, I have no clue where it will go, it might be that it's all a dream, I don't know, it's only the beging... I ment to say post your comments here OR on my page, sorry...
Well that was interesting. Aside from the grammar and spelling mistakes it was quite well written. It was concise and to the point, which is good, though I would have prefered a little more detail. However, that is just me. My suggestion would be to work on your spelling and plot development. That is all.
I awoke to the sounds of sirens. Hands and cloth were pressed to my bleeding chest. "Mia! Mya, can you here me?" a voice shreaked from some where near me, "Mia!" "Ma'am, please stand back," a much calmer voice (this one just aove me, the owner of the hands) said. "What happened," I tryed to say but my voice came out as grabled and blood filled. I didn't here the anwser, because the pain decided at that moment to rear it's ugly head and take over. A scream tore through me. my body bucked and strugled in an attempt to escape the pain. "I need some help!" the voice above me called, and a needle sank into my arm. The pain slowly sank back down as darkness again swollowed me...
...ok this is really bad, if anybody reads this please look pasted all of the spelling mistakes and the awfulness of this story...
ehhh... i liked your beginning better and just whenever you see a word underlined with that red stuff on your screen then right click it and correct it. that way you wont have any spelling mistakes.
I like the beginning better too, and there is no read line when ever I type on my writing program or on AG, is it just me? I might just leave this story alone until something comes to me, i feel like I'm pushing this story a little I'm thinking of posting a story that I'm almost done with, maybe it will be better...
