I noticed that DeadlyVelociraptor made some war-themed poetry a short while back, and since I didn't really have anything better to do right now (aside from waiting for Little Big Planet 2 to be released), I decided to give it a try too.
Now, I had some trouble with this, because I rarely write anything that's serious in any way, so C&C away.
A war, one of many, between neighbours is fought Power and riches by leaders is sought Though to the people, a different cause is told A criminal and a tyrant the enemy is called And this injustice shall be repaid By men, who for glory, will throw their lives away A war, one of many, turns neighbours into foes
An army, one of many, marches on Though tired and hungry, the morale is strong It serves its country, for a cause unknown Never does it question he with the crown Many men its blades have tasted Many villages in its wake laid wasted An army, one of many, of fathers and sons
A battle, one of many, between neighbours is fought Though death is likely, soldiers fear naught Blades clash and arrows pierce the sky Amongst the bodies of the fallen, soldiers fight, and die The survivors now have their victory They ask themselves, "where is the glory?" A battle, one of many, leaves no room for second thought
A soldier, one of many, lies dying on the ground Where he sought glory, only death was found He wanted to be a hero, his story told for an eternity But as his story is ending, he's struck by clarity Of all wars, past, present and those yet to be What made this one worthy of mention in history? He was but one soldier, in one army, in one war of many
C&C is Constructive Criticism. I think it was pretty good but one thing I took issue with was the rhyming. Sometimes it would, sometimes it wouldnt, I dont know I just like it to be one or the other you know?
Though to the people, a different cause is told A criminal and a tyrant the enemy is called And this injustice shall be repaid By men, who for glory, will throw their lives away A war, one of many, turns neighbours into foes
An army, one of many, marches on Though tired and hungry, the morale is strong
The survivors now have their victory They ask themselves, "where is the glory?" A battle, one of many, leaves no room for second thought
Those were what I saw but maybe my rhyme-o-meter is off. Some of your stanzas were odd numbered so that kind of took away from the rhyming too. The poem however is still good its just I read most things aloud and thus noticed the rhyming was off.
Well, the very last line in every bit, with the exception of the last one, rhymes with the first two. I didn't plan to do so from the beginning, it just sort of happened, and I liked it. Perhaps it's harder for others to understand how I wrote it this way, though.
Oh, and about the other
On - Strong. Similar pronunciation (at least when I say it. But then again, English is not my main language). Victory - Glory. Similar spelling, pretty similar pronunciation. Repaid - Away might have been a bit of a forced rhyme, but I thought it worked anyway. Maybe I was wrong.
I tried to make it rhyme based on how it was pronounced, rather than how it was spelled.
It serves its country, for a cause unknown Never does it question he with the crown
That doesn't rhyme when pronounced. Unless I'm pronouncing one of the two wrong, that needs a tiny bit of editing to make it rhyme.
A battle, one of many, between neighbours is fought Though death is likely, soldiers fear naught
And you've changed how not is spelt here in order to make it rhyme. Don't do that. Couplets turn out ambiguous or utterly nonsensical when you do that.
He wanted to be a hero, his story told for an eternity But as his story is ending, he's struck by clarity
Here a rhyme needs to end in -ernity, instead of just the -ity that clarity has. This really killed the rhythm, just when I was reaching the climax.
