AGS Steam Games

Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → do u have the same feeling?

2 2221
chocolatefreak
offline
chocolatefreak
9 posts
Nomad

I wrote this poem when I really wanted to eat chocolate and I thought if someone shares with me the same feeling when eating chocolate...

When I just see it my heart beats so hard
and I'll just get it even if I'll be in the cart
when I touch it my whole body shakes
and I just don't know the expression my face makes
when it enters my mouth I just melt
oh I can't tell you how I really felt
the beats get harder with every bite
and I seem like I've just been on a fight
like I'm a leather that's so light
when there's only one piece left
it's like my heart had a shift
and then it happens all over again in every time
and it'll continue up in all my lifetime

don't u want to eat some chocolate right now?? well, I do!=)

  • 2 Replies
MoonFairy
offline
MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

.... I don't think anyone has the same feeling.... Well I know I don't. Also,
and I seem like I've just been in a fight.

I'm not going to take a wrecking ball to this... Maybe someone else will.

IcyIndia
offline
IcyIndia
1,344 posts
Nomad

I'm not going to take a wrecking ball to this... Maybe someone else will.


....And of course I pop in. :P
Figures.
___________

So, you get kudos for having rhyming, but METER. It's kinda bad. Sorry. But try to make sure the syllables-per-line is somewhat even.

You don't actually mention what it is you're talking about. Sure, above it you say, but I would be lost with just the poem alone.

Besides the meter, this poem is pretty good. Try capitalizing the beginning of every line. It works wonders, I swear.

So do you like chocolate? I thought you said somewhere chocolate wasn't the best... :P

Work on the meter a bit[read: a lot] and I'll get back to you. It was a good poem, just...A bit needs to be fixed. Good job on this one!

I hope you don't mind this...It's what I do.
Showing 1-2 of 2