Hi guys, I 'm currently working on a new story, nothing special really, just thought I wanted to share it with you. Please do note things that could make it better.
S.O.N.S.
First Son Prologue Pelonini hill, little more than snow, trees, rocks, and a little Scantian base in the west. For Two weeks, and four days, we waited. The cold wind doesnât show any mercy. It gets colder and colder. But we had to stand ground, for if not, our country, and more importantly, our ideologies, will fall. And for two more days, we waited, managing to survive by eating leftover and rotten food from the barrels that kept them. The only protection we had from the freezing weather was the blankets that we were able to carry, which was not enough for even one of us. The only hope was that one day, the train will soon come. And it did. âWhat took you so long?â said a man to a guard manning the train. âSorry sir, Wuâs ceasefire had been broken unexpectedly, we had no choice but to wait.â âThat manâs name, is Fadeaushka Jasha Kuznetsov, or simply Fadka.â said a high ranking general as he used his pointing stick to point a manâs portrait. âHe has S-gene no. 432, giving him the ability to control and generate water, and S-gene no. 862, he can morph his appearance to copy that of another person, making him a very unique asset to IU (interceptor unit), AU(attack unit), and DAU (Data Assimilation Unit)â âWell, better late than neverâ said another man, slightly taller than the first, as he climbs up the stairs of the train. âSecond, I have Reynard Dawnay. He has an ability to employ electromagnetic induction to accelerate projectiles to an incredibly high velocity.â âWuâs ceasefire had been broken? One month and it already ended.â Said the third man climbing the stairs, rather disappointed, nodding sadly.â âYou might be wondering who won the battle at Korai-wat. That was Grafalcon Droverson. Heâs specialty is Close quarter combat, with and without weapons; youâve got no chance against him. We believe it is S-gene no. 152, but since many S-genes give that ability, weâre not so sure.â The fourth man just walked up the stairs of the train, not saying a word. âAnd of course, my most vital possession, Shidori. He doesnât say a word, he has no laws, nor any boundaries. He has two S-genes, S-gene 546, gives him the ability to create fire by exciting electrons in objects. He can also control fire, both the one he created and fire that he did not. His other S-gene, 016, gives him the ability to release out electromagnetic waves. Because of this, he can release them and interpret brain synapses, giving him the ability to read minds. He can also create pictures of places, or dare I say, maps, by sending out these waves to the landscape and interpreting the time taken by the bounced waves to create maps. Theyâre a great team, theyâre all yours.â âAll aboard!â the guard shouted, making the trainâs wheels rotate. The train was made of steel, but the inside was made of wood. It was obvious that it had suffered much wear and tear, as much of the trainâs windows are destroyed; only covered by termite infested wood planks. There was only one window that still has glass, and the fourth man to enter the train sat in front of it, looking through the window. He looked at the snowy landscape that he was once at, slowly vanishing. The train was now in the marshlands. âHey guys, got a message from the boss, weâve got another target.â Said the Reynard as he opened the door from the trains cockpit. âAs if they give us a break.â Shidori said disappointingly. âIt says itâs another militia, led by a Nishido-born Mirowu guy.â âWait what?â Shidori said as he turned around looking at the Reynard. âWhat? Mirowu? You know him?â Reynard asked curiously. âHe was my friendâ¦â âYou know what they say; a friend yesterday may be an enemy today.â âHmph!, Rightâ¦â The train continued to move, constantly rising and bumping because of the ragged terrain. Shidori continued to look through the window, his look was blank, as always his stares have been. [War Speech] âWar, that mad game the world loves to play. War, and its consumption of life, had been continuing for the past centuries.â âYou guys wanna hear a joke? What will happen if you throw your sword down theâ¦â âItâll get wet.â Shidori interrupted without removing his blank stare at the window. âYou know Shidoriâ Grafalcon exclaimed âMy jokes makes no sense to you. You read my mind, and thus my punch lines wonât going to be fun anymore.â âYou know Grafalcon, even if Shidori didnât read your mind, your punch lines still isnât fun.â âNow thatâs a joke!â Reynard said, as he and Fadka burst in laughter.
It's an okay set up, though there are a few problems. It's a lot of information in not that much space. You've introduced many characters, but we don't really know any of the characters. Granted, I'm horrible with names, but by the end this section (after one reading), I can't say I remember which name went with what power, mainly because only a few sentences were devoted to each character. Reynard only got one sentence to himself, and gets glossed over even more than the other guys.
I'm guessing Shidori will be the main character? I'm sure if you continue this story, you'll give us more back story on him. But right now, he kind of just jumbles in with all the others. Yes, I understand that this is just the beginning, and that things will become more clear later on. But it is very important to have an intriguing introduction, and this is more like a long list of facts.
You make a few grammatical mistakes, but those aren't a big deal. I would focus more on developing characters.
He looked at the snowy landscape that he was once at, slowly vanishing.
This is kind of an awkwardly worded sentence
he only hope was that one day, the train will soon come.
"will" should be "would", because the entire story is in past tense.
The [war speech] seemed awkward and out of place.
I think you kind have a lot of fun writing a story like this. I trust that you'll make it interesting, and not just another "mutant war" story. So far, you've done a pretty good job with thinking up some creative powers (I like the map making power the best), and I hope you'll continue to think up more creative powers still.
Sorry if I was being overly critical, you story has a lot of potential.
So far, you've done a pretty good job with thinking up some creative powers (I like the map making power the best), and I hope you'll continue to think up more creative powers still
aknerd if you think his dudes have powers check out my profile and read the stories.
Thanks aknerd, that would really help me! YOu see, this is an english project, I just wanted your guys' thought of it and give some constructive criticism to make it better. Hopefully, I will be able to make a fixed version of the prologue plus the first chapter.
Its better to write it in notepad, and then C/P it into AG so you avoid all those nasty little symbols.
You introduced a lot of charactes in a short amount of time. None of them recieve any special attention, and none of them stand out. Other than the problems mentioned by those previous to mine, theres nothing else I could see.
