Hey this is faunbard and i made a new song and i need revising and title advise. Please note- its a work in process. Sry about spelling!
You say that its no use,thats im as good as dead Im trying despretly not to go under Passing all the ones who are too weak to catch up,Their str- uggle I wonder a thousand times what its like to breath within the sea.... Chorus I had the wrong guess I have seasickness Tryin to unscrew this mess x2
Let off my gear, my rest is short Fencing off regrets from cowardly ferrets If he says hello, tell him no I wonder a million times what would life be without me Chorus judging the overflow I was an expert on deary lives Caccooned in a humble presence I asked myself day after day When would i find a way? Chorus 1st verse
Gee, everybody don't raise your hands all at once!
Writing songs is like playing the piano. When you start, you play the right hand. Then you play the left hand. But it's much harder to play them both at once!
With writing songs, the two hands happen to be conveying meaning/evoking feeling, and form and structure (particularly rhyming). Cramming rhymes for the sake of rhymes is the bane of the aspiring songwriter, usually because they're really awkward. Some experienced songwriters revel in awkward rhymes because they're funny (listen to Rappers Have Feelings Too from Flight of the Conchords), but that takes experience to pull off.
In this case some of the lines that jumped out at me included:
I had the wrong guess I have seasickness
"Seasickness" is a horrendously difficult word to use in a song because it's a bit of a tongue-twister, and the final syllable is pretty weak so you can't reliably use it in a monosyllabic rhyme. "Sickness" would be better paired with words like "weakness" or "witness" or even "witless".
Fencing off regrets from cowardly ferrets
Wait, what? I thought this was a song about drowning in psychological woes.
k. ill take that line out.. and changed seasickness to sickness and changed the title to The Sickness that should be it. But after my rest is short, wouldnt there be an awkward gap? I need help to fill that in.
its good, but it would be better in the chorus was longer and what type of music would this be? it would help so that we can imagine the backround music while reading it
dont listen to these people about getting rid of sea sickness. the whole point of writing songs is to create something new and if you want it a certain way do it that way. many bands such as the beatles have super wierd lyrics that only make sense to them. as long as there your own ideas and u perform them like they mean alot to you. then you will succeed
