I would like to correct the information above. The "collected chapters" will include the first two chapters. Similarly, the next chapter will only be provided if there is demand. This is to prevent any unpopular topic from discouraging the use of community threads.
Chapter 1[b] The breeze was ever so gently blowing as if to reassure Jason that things were going to be okay. As he mourned, he gently caressed the tattered tiger skin cloth. Maurita quietly walked over with her favorite hawaiian print blouse waving slightly with the wind. She kissed on the side of the neck, a touch of affection in her eyes. He jercked around, glaring angrily with tears in his eyes. His gray longsleeve shirt with verticle stripes was tucked in and his sleeves rolled up past thee elbow, revealing his muscular figure. She quickly acted confused as if trying hide some emotion. He still stood there, his jet black hair perfectly combed back. His piercing eyes revealed a hint of spite, remembering last summer. He blushed in embarassmentin both his lack of self control. He quickly tucked the tiger skin cloth in his shirt pocket and brisked away. Maurita smiled and quickly fought it away. She neversouly looked around to see if anyone had seen. With no one in sight, she flipped her wavy brown hair behind her well tannned shoulder and triumphantly walked away.
[b]Chapter 2 It was getting pretty noisy as The Bowling Pin prepared for their monthly pro-league tournament. Jason was having a good time with Annie, his Fiance'. They had just met at this same bowling alley no more thn eight months ago. It was another classic story of love at first sight. Things were kind of casual at first as neither wanted to appear easy. But raelly, it so obvious that they were the only ones who didn't notice. They were just there to watch and hang out with their friends just like their doing tonight. They would have married sooner were it not for Jason's personal troubles. His father had been sick for a little while now and although he wasn't very sick, Jason worried every time his 62 year old dad sneezed. And he had suspicions that his unannounced girlfriend was cheating on him. Wednesdays would later become one of Jason's most hated days of the week instead of his most loved.
*Please provide constructive criticism for the sake of the story.
As the night began, he started to feel the effects of overcrowding. He stod up quickly and casually took off his ****'s rainproof jacket and rolled up the sleeves on his favorite jets t-shirt with the logo all over. Thhey were lucky that their friends, (Cedric, Derrick, and Samantha) were assigned the last lane. It helps because since Jason doesn't bowl in the league; Annie, Rob, and Josh played a free-game in the next lane. The well tanned red heaired waitress happily bounced over to Jasons table and placed a pitcher of cold beer with a built in coolie in the middle of the table along side Rob's favorite order of house wings with mild sauce next to some celery stick and ranch. Then, the waitress discretely scanned the table for a tip but didn't find one. Taking quick notice, Rob speedily placed tip on the sticky blue table. She Then thanked him and placed it in her pants pocket instead of the pocket of her forest green apron. It was strange to him at first. He caught on a little too late. He let out a large sigh when he realized that he gave her two 10's instead of two one's. Cedric, having been single for almost two years, almost tripped over a chair as he stared akwardly at her bottom. Her low sitting khaki pants revealed the tattoo on her hip which captivated himso much.
The book is hopefully going to be published after the final chapter is posted and no, I don't mind being called out on my mistakes and appreciate the criticism. (to Guy with mmouse avatar) This is only the rough draft and unedited version. Criticism and advise may change the final edition.
I really can't get a feel for the "book" quite yet. The writing style and diction seems fairly straigh forward, which is fine. Some unnecessary punctuation in there, but really I can't sense any plot developing yet. Also, if you truly want this to be a book, as in a novel, then you'll have to extend the chapters, drastically. I mean these first few "chapters" really should only be the start of the first chapter, also, maybe it's just me, but it's jumping a little too much. But that's probably from the lack of filler.
Well thank you. I will continue through with what I've started but I hope that you can help so that I can have armor games witness the process in the role of a large and varied audience. I will try to make the chapters longer. I am trying my best to have a sort of James Patterson style while still having some originality, which will come from the entire novel not having a single verbal quotation.
Suddenly, the lights went out. People screamed both in mock and of fear. Several people noisily tripped over chairs. Most just stopped moving. However, Annie was in the process of bowling and, out of fear, dropped the ball on her foot. The crunch of the bones was sickening as you could barely hear the sound of the blood making a sort of slushing sound as it was forced between the bones and out of her foot. She let out a horrifying scream. The scream was so inhuman that everyone was startled and all of the babies at the Bowling Pin who were with their mother started crying. Helicopters almost synthesized over the Pin in the seconds Jason fell to the ground when he bumped into someone. He called out for Annie. He was very confused with an overwhelming sense of suspicion. Suddenly bullets ripped through Derrick and Samantha. The blood of both flecked in Jason's face. He screamed in horror. Part of the ceiling caved in and rain poured everywhere. Cedrick was crying because, although was safe after rolling under the table when he tripped, he was shot once and his lung collapsed. An explosion from a shrapnel grenade cut his juggular vain. No-one knew what just happened. Many were wounded and they could barely see when the lightning struck one of the two helicopters. The rain was coming down harder than any hurricane or monsoon. Then, Jason blinded by debris that embedded itself in his eyes, let out a desperate call to Annie. He could hardley breathe from the pain shooting through his leg. He didn't know it but he was in danger of dying of blood loss. All he knew was that his leg hurt worse than any pain he'd ever felt. He could hear a thumping of boots and the pumping guns all around him. Someone grabbed Jason and flipped him on his back. The last thing he remembered was hearing Annie scream just before a loud crack sounded simultaniously with a thump to the temple.
Then, Jason blinded by debris that embedded itself in his eyes, let out a desperate call to Annie. He could hardley breathe from the pain shooting through his leg. He didn't know it but he was in danger of dying of blood loss.
My previous comments still stand. Also, this part right here is very awkward. There's other places where it is awkward, but this stands out. I realize description is good, but overdoing it leads to this. Awkward.
Oh it's confusing, but I can follow it for the most part. There seems to be a plot here, but it isn't being developed well and things are moving too rapidly. I just can't piece everything together. I keep wondering if there truly is a plot.
Well, my hopes were to be confusing, except that I think it's confusing for the wrong reasons. I was sort of aiming for not being able to piece it together. The 1st chapter is a glimpse into the plot. A jump ahead. I am thinking about revising the book every so often. Like, every ten chapters. Maybe it would help if I told you what the plot was?
An explosion from a shrapnel grenade cut his juggular vain.
Rick, do you have an editor? I think it would help, not just to fix problems like in the above extract, but also to get some feedback to the way the story is developing.
