The old house on Northeaster Way The one where we hear shouts of "Nay!" What could cause the screams and shouts? What is all that noise about?
"lets go into it." "No lets not." "Come on!" "Come on!"
What choice is there? What if it all is a big scare? So off we go to the old house turns out our intelligence was that of a mouse.
We found much more than we thought. But when I'm asked I say "course not!" But nothing can fill the hole of a lost friend And nothing could've stopped his bloody end.
I like the poem as a whole, but by constraining yourself to rhyme your making the poem slightly awkard and un enjoyable because it breaks up how you are stringing together the poem. Example by using shouts of nay you are rhyming with Way but what are shouts of nay? Sure it rhymes but does it make sense? Dont sacrifice a Good poem just to make it rhyme (My Humble Opinions and thoughts as human creativity should not be stunted because of Public View(well unless its just bad(wich yours is'nt)))
I originally wasn't going to critique your poem, but I feel that I must show you what a correct critique looks like. And so I may be a little harsh. I agree with what Spyton said on how you forced the lines to rhyme. It doesn't flow well if you do it that way. It helps if you make the lines more even. Also, I'm not particularly sure what the poem is about. A haunted house? Why did you repeat the words "Come On!" twice? Who was the other person saying it to?
Like everyone else is saying, the rhyming ruins the poem. I feel like the rhyming here makes it sound like a happy poem or a dr seuss book which I'm sure isn't what your trying to portray.
The old house on Northeaster Way The one where we hear shouts of "Nay!" What could cause the screams and shouts? What is all that noise about?
"lets go into it." "No lets not." "Come on!" "Come on!"
What choice is there? What if it all is a big scare? So off we go to the old house turns out our intelligence was that of a mouse.
We found much more than we thought. But when I'm asked I say "course not!" But nothing can fill the hole of a lost friend And nothing could've stopped his bloody end.
I will not mention your forced rhymes because everyone seems to have that sorted out.
However, regardless of the rhyme the poem strikes me as overly simple. While this is not a terrible thing, and can be very effective most times, this poem is so simple the subject matter simply does not rise to the forefront. As far as I can tell the poem is about the house, perhaps it is haunted or, just otherwise direlected.
You also have a simple rhythm going. Again it can be effective yet it fails to do so. As mentioned the rhymes are part of the problem, but it's also the way you strcutured your stanzas. The first stanza flows nicely, but you then jar the reader to a halt with a short syllable second stanza, and a mixed flow on the third which brings the read to a rough patch. The fourth returns to a decent flow.
My last comments are directed toward your word choice. Clearly you did not think of words as important. There's almost a cheerful atmosphere to this poem, which is the total opposite to what you are trying to portray. On your next attempt I suggest you pick your adjectives more carefully. It is imperitive that you make use of every word in poetry.
One must always keep a cool head, Masterforger, or one shall be reduced to "babbling five year olds", as you said. Then there shouldn't be two seperate sets of quotations.
