Just would like to have some sort of actual criticism, because none of my old threads (years back) really got any... also found a few more old poerms lying in my email.
Let us go then, You and I. (prompt)
Let us go then, you and I. Walking along the soft hills; the large green plains seeing the sun quietly die. Our subliminal path gives way to change as the sky gently opens her other eye.
Steal a line from the poem (on the screen) (prompt)
Positive The heuristic hedonism is: We know not whether it's mine or his. Our dreams of a life together, were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle.
Blurted out onto paper after going to a cafe of hearing people's poems.
Words
Words..... You crave the empirical thoughts, The tyrannical narcissism of communication. Praising poems, lord messiah, Those (B-tards)s dare defy logical emotion.
Words... I want I see I am I need I want more, give me more. I'm heard yet I cannot listen. I'm shown while I cannot see.
I'm mad at others, I point the blame. My hypocrisy, the shame. Don't discriminate, hate, hurt You don't realize you're doing it now.. Listening. Waiting.
Words..
You don't know nothing. - Redneck. Yo, what the (eff) you know? - (N-word). The lord has answers. - Clergyman You, Me, Us, We, Hypocrites.
You have it all when you got nothin More is not the golden fleece rather the knife you run on your wrist let it rain blood.
You have it all when you got nothin! Let meaningless puffs of air rasp around you. Whispering, Suggesting Twisting tighter at your throat.
Words!
Is this too long, lost in thought? Good. Daydream. When I know you're away the suffocating apathy lessons.
You point your fingers at the empty slate using your eyes to paint all you hate Do you know what I see? I see me.
Alone I'm surrounded yet alone. I can't express myself without misconception. Sometimes I wish it was my mind I could loan, and for one day feel the happiness to not know, and feel the mob mentality. It may kill me but that'd be ok. I'd rather die with one shining day.
Those were created I think in early 2010... I lost two other ones that I really liked because they were just on paper... >:I
I like the first one. It had good expressive words. A soft poem. Though I wouldn't have used the word "hills" personally. It just doesn't feel like it fits to me. What about "walking along the soft grass; the large green plains"? But I liked it, it was nice. --------------------------------- The second one seemed..subtley dark. Quite chiling. Major difference from the first one. I'm no expert on that type of poem, but it was good. --------- The third one was definitley blurted out, I could tell. A rush of inspiration is a fantastic feeling isn't it? It's the best one yet, wether my interpretation of it was correct or not, it was great. I'm not really one for long poems though, so that was it's only flaw for me, but the great thing is that it didn't feel stretched. That's my favorite one for sure. ----------- Alone. A word that says a lot, yet nothing. :P I'm not quite sure as to what I should say about this one. Sorry. -----------------
