Every night, I lay awake, Waiting for someone for my soul to take, Waiting til the sun starts to rise, Kissing the moon its final goodbyes, I feel the breeze down my spine, And I glare at the time, 3:37, I'm still awake, Waiting for someone for my soul to take, As most people would be counting sheep, I always cry myself to sleep.
Some advice Tacky gave me a bit ago If you want to show off your work, don't create just one thread for one poem. Create your own thread for ALL of your work.
The poem feels disjointed, and not the intentional kind. It feels as if you're placing words down without fully thinking through what you're saying. The emotion is there, however, it comes off as a jaded feeling rather than heart felt. To me the poem is without any flow, making it tedious to read.
I will have to agree with wolf1991, since he took the words out of my mouth. There is too much emotional conflict as well. Glaring at the time and crying ones self to sleep doesn't go together quite right.
Thank you, yloup, as it seems all you can do is criticize me. I didn't make that comment from pure ignorance. I know what it's like to have... never mind. I wasn't trying to criticize acmed either.
it's a pretty good poem. all you have to do is add/delete some words and make it synchronize. you should ask murasaki9 for some advice. she's a great poem and story writer. i'm sure if you improvise, your poems will be great. keep up the work!
Thanks Shelly sis for the referral! But I don't really know how good of a poet I am. I think acmed did a pretty good job too. And acmed, don't let me get you down.
