Hey ppl i originally created this topic to share m first ever poem and to get to know what you think about or or if you can think of any improvements or additions but also feel free to post your own poems here have fun
It's a bit clunky. The rhymes seem almost forced so it dosen't seem to flow very well ("you" is rhymed with "you". Don't force it. The deepest of poems are often quite simple and were grinded down to bare emotions. Although this poem has potential for deep emotions, right now a lot of it seems cosmetic. I would focus on one aspect of her and dig deep into it.
I sugest some more multi-line rhymes because It sounds better to the ear, at least in my case, if there is some delay between the rhymes. Also it didn't quite hold together in the end. And for what it's worth(not that much) here's a section from one of my poems
Strangers stand above me, Looking on in dismay. I hear questions, From faintly familiar voices. Why won't they go away?
Will she wake up? What happened? Is she going to be okay?
I open my eyes a bit and see them. Two women, two men, Three boys, and two girls. What do they want from me anyway?
