Well, I'm not sure but I think I got some talent for this. Sorry for spelling errors, grammar errors and error errors.
The might of doubtfulness
Lucia, the daughter to the man with most political might in the whole world. She were 26 years old when her dad got mad. He planned to take over Earth and kill everybody. His warriors followed his orders and no one did make resistance. Except Lucia who fled to the dad's cousin in Canada. But the warriors came first. She fainted of some reason she didn't remember one day later when she woke up with her dad. She had now decided to follow his orders. Some days later she lost her troops and got lost in a forest. She find a camp and an Indian there. He had an army and it looked like he knew that Lucia should come. She did not want to follow her dad anymore, so she joined the Indian's army. The Indian were the dad's cousin who fled from Canada when the dad got mad. Lucia's fate were now to be the leader or the army who should kill Lucia's dad. She knew everything about the dad's defense-tactic so the army came easy in to the fortress. She had her sword close to her dad's cervical. He said, -Mercy, please! If you let me go I'll be how I were before this! Lucia lifted her sword and he stood up. The cousin screamed, -Lier! He grabbed his sword and cut of the dad's head. Lucia watched her dead dad lying on the floor, was this what she wanted? [The End]
Could've been much longer, actually other than portions of the exposition and conclusion it sounded like a synopsis. You may be sorry about the grammar mistakes but it doesn't excuse it, I suggest you get someone to look over it first.
Corrections:
1: "was" not "were" ; write out "26" = "twenty-six" 2: While "His warriors followed his" isn't incorrect it is repetitive it would be better just to say "(insert father's name)'s warriors followed orders to the letter, and no one tried to resist." 3: You do not make resistance, you can create a resistance or you can resist. 4: You're looking rather than "of" use "for" 6: She found the camp, you're switching tenses by using "find." 8-9: "The Indian was he father's cousin who had fled from Canada when the dad got mad." In this sentence I corrected the grammatical errors, but I would recommend "her father attacked" rather than "the dad got mad." 10: Again not "were" but "was." I recommend "would" rather than "should" and "her father" instead of "Lucia's dad." 11. tactics, tactic implies he only has a single strategy - definitely need to change the end of the sentence, perhaps "easily entered the fortress." 12. Cervical is not an apt description, use neck, or use the thesaurus to look up alternatives. Cervical is an adjective, it modifies a noun, you are missing the noun. 13: Rather than using "-" to signify dialogue use "quotation marks" In addition there "were", "was" mistake again. 14: I suggest using "her father stood" sounds a bit better. 15: You mean liar 16: Off, of implies it belongs to something, off means to remove something. Basically.
And that's it, I tried to correct what I found, and hopefully I helped, I did enjoy the story, even if I thought that it needed to be much longer.
Cervical is not an apt description, use neck, or use the thesaurus to look up alternatives. Cervical is an adjective, it modifies a noun, you are missing the noun.
I used Google Translate. Isn't neck back of the lower head?
I was always taught to only spell a number out if it's less than ten
write out "26" = "twenty-six"
In Sweden the limit is 20.
I always thought it was twelve and below that was supposed to be written with letters. Either way, 26 is above all of the suggested limits.
Anyways, as Kyo said, it doesn't have a lot of details and that kind of makes it feels like you're just summarizing it rather than telling an actual story. The story itself isn't bad though.
Many people prefer reading books than watching movies. That's because there aren't so many details in books, it's supposed that the reader should make his own fantasy-world while reading. In movies the world are already made.
The purpose of an author is to use details to convey the image that forms in the readers head, not refrain from using details. I suggest you read the Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald uses enormous amounts of detail in describing the simplest of scenes.
How can you make your own fantasy-world if there are already so many details?
You don't have to tell the readers what the world looks like and what everyone's wearing and stuff unless you want to, that's fine, those weren't the details I was talking about. Look here for example:
Lucia's fate were now to be the leader or the army who should kill Lucia's dad. She knew everything about the dad's defense-tactic so the army came easy in to the fortress. She had her sword close to her dad's cervical. He said,
The main character became the captain of an army, assaulted a castle, and found and threatened the leader of the other army in only three sentences. You didn't describe the battles or anything. It's impossible to picture it all in your head if it's over in a second, and it kind of takes out all the drama. Do you think the Lord of the Rings would have been successful if all it said was "Bilbo found a ring, he gave it to Frodo, Gandalf told Frodo to destroy it so he threw it in lava. THE END!"?
Anyways, what I'm trying to say it that if you want people to see the story in their heads, then you need to make them feel like it's actually happening. If it makes huge leaps in time between every sentence, it'll be impossible to picture the events, and impossible to experience the excitement or drama or whatever is happening. Describe the battle, tell us what the character does, tell us how he/she feels, etc.
Now, I realize that this is a short story, so I understand that you don't want to write 200 pages or so, but even for a short story it has very few details. So, yeah, while you don't have to describe all the pretty flowers and the purty trees on the field, you should at least describe the events.
Lucia, the daughter to the most powerful man in the world. Albus Venom. Lucia was twenty-six years old when her father snapped. Albus planned to take over Earth and kill everybody. Albus' warriors followed his orders and no one was able to resist, except Lucia who fled to her dad's cousin Carlos in Canada. Unfortunately the warriors got there first, she fainted of some unknown reason the next day when she woke up, her father was there. Lucia had now decided to follow his orders, she lived those days with inside herself. She didn't like killing innocent people. Some days later she lost her troops and got lost in a forest, Lucia found a camp and a mysterious waiting for her, he was in charge of a rebel army and it said Lucia should join them. Lucia tired of doing her fathers dirty work quickly agreed. The man soon revealed him self as Carlos who had fled from Canada when Albus attacked. Lucia was scared, but she realized that her fate was now to be the leader of the army which would end her father's madness. The army marched for four days to reach Albus' fortress. Lucia knew everything about his defenses, so the attack was easily planned. Twenty soldiers started shooting outside the north side of the fortress and nearly all guards came find the 'attackers'. Carlos and forty other men scaled the east side with ladders. Killing many of the guards, those who survived sounded the alarm. Lucia and the rest of the soldiers entered the west side and killed some of Albus' elite-guards. Soon after that Carlos arrived with his troops. He made a cut in the floor, who broke as a trap for the elite guards. Carlos and Lucia combined their forces to ambush the remaining elites. Then they entered Albus' room, he was not a good fighter, so it didn't take long before the rebels captured him. As Lucia had her sword under Albus' chin, he said, "Mercy, please! If you let me go I'll let everything go back to normal!" Lucia changed her mind and lifted her sword allowing Albus to stand up. Carlos screamed, "Liar!" as he grabbed his sword and cut of Albus head. Lucia watched her fathers corpse lying on the floor, was this what she had wanted?
I haved read many books and this could be something. If you describe what is happening in the events, how the envoirment look, the peoples personality and behavior more exactly would this be a great story. Keep on writing. - Salc
