Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → the peaceful zombies

i hope its not to long and there no spelling and grammer faults if there is please post under and post what you think of course

please if any members read this comment on what you think i just want to know if you think its rubbish becuase i dont want to make a story and i dont know what you think so if your a member and read this please comment

Bazz, the story was way too fast! Read this sentence for me:

one day john woke up late so he hurried to get dressed and make breakfast so he started running to catch a train to work and just barely made it the train was almost empty he was confused usually the train was filled with people so he reached the chips factory (where he works) and started working

i agree with acmed and you did have a few run on sentences in there.

For crying out loud, mate, use some commas!

It's a good summary, but it needs more details. Also, you need to work on your punctuation.

This lacks extreme pre-thought...
I'm very sorry to say mate, but this story lacked EVERYTHING that makes a story "good"

You had a giant wall of text, forcing readers to use there mouse and highlighter to keep track of where they were, lest they lose themselves in the giant maze of letters.

There was no dialogue with quotations, no commas, no text marks of any kind really beyond periods,

This entire story actually could've been a short story, if not a novel with a dragged out middle, however you wrapped it up in elss than one page of work, with what seemed to be something you wrtoe randomnly, and off the top of youre head, without even considereing to meditate about what you were doing before presding "submit"

Overall this story needs an extreme amount of work, (as other users mentioned) B/c I personally got no entertainment from reading this at all, however I feel I could if you actually took time and created a true story.

Sorry if this all seems harsh, but it just needs to be a lot more shapen up. :c

thanks for saying that x silentphantmx n oharsh felling i think will try to work on this thatnks for telling me everyone this was my first story so i hope you keep judging my stories (GOOD OR BAD)

I did this for myself, so it made more sense to me, then I thought since I went through the effort I might aswell post it for you guys, maybe you'll like his story more if it makes sense.

One day john woke up late, so he hurried to get dressed and make breakfast. He started running to catch a train to work and just barely made it. The train was almost empty. He was confused, usually the train was filled with people, so he reached the chips factory (where he works) and started working.
Five hours passed while he was working and he didn't see any of his friends. He went up to his office, turned on the tv and saw that there were zombies roaming the city. John never believed in zombies because they sounded stupid, so maybe this was just a joke or a prank.
"I;m going to see this for myself," said John to himself. He went outside and found out that it was true. He thought it was a dream so he walked up to one and nothing happened. All those zombie movies for nothing. This wasn't a zombie, just a bleeding man. He couldnt talk or even do anything but walk, so he walked onwards to the centre of the city. People were already scared and calling the police. It was a crisis over nothing. The police decided shoot first, ask questions later. They shot at the 'zombies' and it took them about six bullets to take them down. John knew he had to help them. they were just people infected with something that made them dumb and strong. They didnt touch the police, they just carried on walking, so he tried to stop the police. It wouldn't work, but if they kept walking they'd end up in a river and possibly die. He wanted to build a safe place for them, so he went to the tool shop and took everything. Hammers, planks, screwdrivers, and more. John went off to make a home for the zombies. First, he needed help, more workers, so he went to his friends and told them all about it. Only 13 came but it was enough. Some had to distract the police. John had find out what happened, why were they like this, so he went to the old military base. Nobody used it, so one of his friends stayed there and studied all the things there. Maybe he would explain so he went to meet the rest. They talked about it and his friend said,
"well this has to have some thing to with it." He pulled out a glass of some green and blue mixed drink in a bottle. They talked about how this was a virus and it was in the brain, taking out the memories and the thoughts and putting all the energy into the skull and toughness of the body, but if they could get the virus and take out the energy from the virus and give it to the zombies, it might work.
3 weeks later they had finished at the base. Now, they were rounding up all the zombies. They took one test zombie so they could test their theory, but they needed something from a hospital to do this. So they went to the medical wing of the base and found it. Now, they just needed to a bit from the virus. Once they completed the test, it hadn't worked, so they blocked the zombies off, fed them and then shipped them away into the vast sea with food everywhere on the boat. The zombies went far, far away and so the problem was solved. Now, when they make a zombie movie, consider making them peaceful.
The end.

I know my grammar isn't perfect, but it's better. Don't hate, I just felt like this needed to be done. Don't mean to seem harsh, but yours made no sense whatsoever to me, so I had to do it.

SilentPhantom took the words right out of my mouth. It didn't really make much sense whatsoever to me.

Sorry, mate, but just doing what I felt needed to be done.

whats with all the sorrys i want you to tell me what im lacking so thanks allot guys