Notes before reading- I just wrote this in my math class a while back and I thought it was good enough to share with you. Hope you enjoy!
Chapter 1: Meet the Survivor
Its been 6 years since the outbreak. I remember it all like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I think it's just a dream, and sometimes I feel like losing my mind. What I once knew as a reality, is now my worst nightmare. My name is Steven Bore. I live on this forsaken hell called Earth. Overrun by nightmare-ish rotting monsters, I live everyday just trying to get some bread and survive an onslaught of them at the same time. You may call them zombies. I just call them sons of the devil.
I was an average Joe by day, A party animal by night. It all started like any other day. I came home from work to my wife and kids. Well, what used to be my wife and kids anyways. My wife, Jen as I called her, she was under the bed covers. "Hi sweetie." I said to her. She didn't answer back. "Are you all right?" I said. She still didn't answer back. She usually wasn't in bed by this time, but I left her alone. I walked down the hall and my kid's bedroom was just a few feet away. I thought about how lucky I was to have them, Harry and Melissa. They were twins, and I loved every bit of them. I opened their bedroom door, only to find two little monsters with blood splattered on their faces. I was shocked, thinking what did they do to the kids? I examined their faces further, and find they resemble them. One of them jumped on me trying to bite me arm. Another crawled to my leg and never let go. "Get off of me!" I said aloud. Against my will, I picked up a kitchen knife and stabbed one in the head. It dropped dead like a fly. The other was easier and I just shook it off my leg. I ran to get my wife. She was standing and facing the other way. "Honey, we need to get out of there." I said. She remained motionless. "Honey! Whats the matter with you?!?" I called out. I finally turned her around and I see her neck was bitten, and her pupils were of an animal. Instantly she tried to grab and bite me. I pushed her off, not willing to kill her. I ran and went to my car. I then realized something. The car keys were in the house! Not willing to go back, I just took out my bike and rode off. "What's happening?" I said aloud. As I rode on my bike I looked around. The whole neighborhood was in crisis. One house I would see someone try to exit it but a hand but grab her and pull her in. Another I would see a car just run over a few people. It was crazy. I rode my bike to the only person who would help me; My brother's house, Gary. He was always a comic book nerd and loved everything from World of Warcraft to Pokemon to basically anything. When I got to his house, it was boarded up with metal and wood. I walked up to his porch and rung the doorbell. A little slot just opened and he said, "Who goes there?" "It's me Steven! Your bro!" I responded. "How do I know you are not one of those zombies?" He asked. "I'm not! I'm not! I swear!" I yelled out. "What is the secret pass-code?" He asked. "You don't have one you big idiot!" I said. "Sheesh don't be so harsh, and FYI its Bunny Eater." He answered. "Well just open up!" I yelled. "One moment!" He answered again. At that time, I had attracted attention and every one in the city knew where I was. Just when they started to be just a few feet away from me, Gary answered my prayers. He had thrown down a rope from the window on the third floor. "Climb up!!" He called. I did as told and he saved my life. I lay there breathing heavily as Gary pulled in the rope. The rope was tied to the leg of his bed. He smiled and adjusted his glasses. "Welcome home, bro!" Gary said.
It's pretty good, but you have a little bit of trouble with the detail, and your having trouble with pace (like, before it has any character development whatsoever, it cuts to the chase.) Anyway, I'd like to see the second chapter.
I think that in areas like this, you need to put more emphasis on the desperation in his voice by replacing said with shouted or cried. It's a very good story.
Quite good considering you wrote this in Math. I wrote mine in every class, until the Deputy Principal found out. And she actualy encouraged me to continue writing A Valley of Blood. Just listen to what your readers suggest and you'll get a life(unlike me...). Thanks for listening to the rambling of a resident school psycho.
P.S. You've got better creativity than me because you had to do this from scartch whereas I simply ripped off one of the best games in the history of the world.
