I have decided that I want to share a little bit of the novel that I wrote for school with all of you. Feedback is appreciated!
âGrenade!â Yitzhak trembled as the dismembered voice drifted across towards him. He had seen many battles but this was the worse one by far. He had never seen a friend get shot, or have his guts hanging out. When he did this to the Germans, he had felt like he was not doing that to a human, but an animal. So the shock that came when Fredrick got hit in the stomach by a bullet was petrifying. âYitzhak...â Fredrick whispered to his friend. âKill them for me. Kill them all.â âI will, Fredrick. And then we will get you to a doctor. I promise.â âNo doctor can help me now. The bullet is lodged inside me and I would be killed should it be removed. No, this is my last hour.â âDonât leave me,â Yitzhak pleaded. His friendâs eyes were going blank, and his hand felt cold. âI..., I...,â with a gasp, the life form that was known as Fredrick, died. At that moment, all the sounds around him faded out. The vibrant colors turned to plain old black and white. Yitzhak felt like he was drowning, and his heart sounded like it was in his ears. A hand suddenly reached out and touched his shoulder, bringing him back to the land of the living. âYitzhak, Yitzhak!â Plato screamed. âWe have to get going! There are too many of them! Letâs go!â
My book is historical fiction, and it is about a Jewish boy who lives on Corfu, an island off of Greece. It is the tale of how he escapes the Germans, and survives the occupation. If you want to see my whole story, then leave me a comment! Please give constructive criticism.
Well, I'm not going to lie. This seems like about half of the first page, hardly the beginning of a novel. It's not half bad, but it seems robotic in some places. Examples:
The bullet is lodged inside me and I would be killed should it be removed.
It seems to calm for someone having gotten shot, with little emotion or philosophical element to give it character. While a good sentence, as I said before, it seems robotic, as if a machine was speaking and not a scared human.
the life form that was known as Fredrick
"Life form" is almost science fiction-esque. It's hard to describe a character's friend as a "life form" and not a person, and it leaves the reader out of connection with Fredrick. It's a good sentence, just for historical fiction it's out of place. A descriptor like that would be more at home in a science fiction novel, or perhaps a fantasy novel to a lesser extent.
The vibrant colors turned to plain old black and white
The flow of the story was going great until I hit "lain old black and white." It seems more like a passing mistake and reversion to older habits as opposed to bad writing technique, so I would suggest a slight revision. It just seems out of place from the story, especially when contrasted from a great descriptor such as "vibrant."
""We have to get going! There are too many of them! Let's go!""
Generic. Another example of robotic speech, especially for characters in a stressful situation. It needs more emotion and less 'tell the reader what's happening,' as that's already being described outside of dialogue.
It's pretty good so far, I would just suggest a little more emotion in the dialogue, as that's the main issue. Other than that, it needs to be a bit longer. Try to have it at or above 500 words per chapter, and think more like having a continuous flow or short stories as opposed to a bunch of small paragraphs. Even if it takes longer, the payoff is well worth it to the reader. Very good so far in my opinion, hopefully we can see some more.
Here it is. Chapter one of my novel, set in present day Corfu.
Chapter 1
The breezy air was cold as it brushed against his face. If his relatives looked closely enough, they could see a tear on his cheek, running slowly down toward his mouth. Yitzhak was his name. He was not one of those older folks who turn cranky with age, yet it was apparent that his past was full of pain. A pain that he had not shared with his family, a pain so deep, it permeated his heart, and his days were full of sadness. They were in the village square of Corfu, an island off the coast of Greece. Yitzhak took in the sights, and as his eyes drifted down one lonely road, so lonely it seemed as if light had never touched it, he started to sob. âWhatâs wrong, Saba,â asked David, Yitzhakâs grandson, âWhy are you so sad?â âNothing, David,â Yitzhak replied. His voice had a slight accent and was cracking. âBut youâre crying,â insisted his grandson. âAnd that makes me worry about you. For days weâve been here, in Greece, and you kept pestering us to visit Corfu. Now you are crying and I think we all want to know why.â âOy vey! Why do you all think Iâm sad? Is it because of the tears? Is it because of the shocked way that I walk through there streets? Iâm fine I tell you, fine!â By now Yitzhak was sobbing and mumbling to himself. âMy entire family. My mother, my father, my brother David, your namesake, was destroyed at the age of 12, in Auschwitz. You see that building down the road? The short one with the fire escapes? I lived on the second floor, in a small apartment. I can still remember the smell of potatoes boiling, and peas being made. Every moment of that day is as sharp as a knife. And as painful as one too. You want to hear my story? I shall tell you. But it is not pretty and does not have the happiest ending, at least, not happy to me. Come, it is close too lunch. But I can only tell you if you donât mind staying there way past dinner. It is a long story one which I have not told to anyone in this family. Your safta never even knew the details. Neither does your mother or father. Come everyone, lets go down to that bakery that I remember down the street. They have the best loukoumathes ever, fresh out of the oven, then dipped in honey. And after that we can all go down to the deli and get the most amazing gyros. Then, only then, shall I tell all.â
Dude, you should use WordPad, like I said earlier. Something about the software I think. I had the same problem once. Or you could type it directly here if you want.
