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KingOfAthlum
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KingOfAthlum
120 posts
Nomad

The Crown of Kings


Chapter 1

Rorik lashed out with blinding speed and his blade hit its' mark. The guard toppled over onto the mossy stone floor. He glanced around at the mass of bodies scattered across the courtyard. Killing was his blessing and he made good of it. Working for anyone who would pay the price. The stones beneath his feet were slippery with blood.
Satisfied with his work Rorik turned back to the front gate through which he had entered, and waved his arm. A minute passed and two shadowy figures slipped in through the wide open front gate. The one in front much shorter than the other. Terese pulled down her hood, her tangled black locks falling down around her shoulders hiding her pointed ears. She was always careful to hide her ears "I'll give you and your blessed kind one thing, she said to Rorik as she surveyed his work. You get the job done quickly." Rorik laughed, "Thank you priestess."
She stepped over a dead guard standing between herself and Rorik, and pulled a rather large pouch off her belt. "Here is half your payment, and for the last time call me Terese, she said. Tossing the pouch to him. It landed in his hands with a loud clink. Rorik stuffed it into his own belt and gave Terese a slight bow.
The big shadow behind her pulled his own hood down, he had dark hair like Terese. And they shared the same bright piercing eyes like all elves did. Except instead of bright purple ones. His were a dark yet vibrant green. He too had long hair down to his shoulders that covered his pointy ears. That must be an elf thing Rorik thought.
"Rorik this is my brother, Giladril." Giladril stretched out an open hand. Rorik took it and they shook hands. Rorik let go and said "We'd better get moving the sun will be up shortly, which means the guards will be switching posts". The three climbed up the stone steps in the courtyard and dissapeared inside the castle of King Lander.
They found their way down into the dungeons of King Landers castle quickly. Rorik had dispatched every guard they met along the way. Once inside the dungeons Giladril took the lead. He had memorized a map of the dungeons, his spies had drawn up for him some weeks ago during the the planning of this mission. Rorik followed closely behind him, straining to see anything in the blackness ahead. He was forced to trust Giladril and his elven sight. Which was something Rorik never did. Rorik ran into Giladril who had stopped before a cell. The tall elf waved for his sister to come forward. Terese handed him the second half of his payment as she stepped around him. That was the signal that he should leave.
Rorik was happy to find his way out of the black, musty dungeons of King Lander and into the cool refreshing air of the courtyard. The orange glow of the sun was just visible over the towering stoney castle walls. He ran to the front gate where a servant boy was waiting with three horses. Rorik flipped him a gold coin, the boy handed him the reigns and scurried off into the fading darkness. Rorik swung himself up onto his horse. As he did so, Terese came sprinting through the open gate. "We have to leave now!" she yelled. She jumped onto her horse. Before Rorik could speak Giladril appeared, he carried a limp body wrapped in blankets over his shoulder. Giladril placed the body on his own horse and jumped on behind him. He and his sister galloped off into the early morning sun. Leaving Rorik stunned, was he suppose to follow them he wondered. Usually his employees told him when he was finished. The sounds of horns and metal boots running across stones shook him out of his thoughts. And Rorik took off after the two elves and their new companion. Leaving behind the noise of King Landers castle quickly.

  • 4 Replies
sirmed1
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sirmed1
56 posts
Farmer

It's pretty good so far- the one problem I had was the comma use. Your detail is great.

KingOfAthlum
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KingOfAthlum
120 posts
Nomad

Thanks, I'll try to update it as quickly as possible.

nichodemus
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nichodemus
14,991 posts
Grand Duke

Try to vary your sentence structure, because it reads like a constant and slightly boring dubstep beat. For example, you can merge multiple actions in one sentence, rather than each having separate sentences.

KingOfAthlum
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KingOfAthlum
120 posts
Nomad

Try to vary your sentence structure, because it reads like a constant and slightly boring dubstep beat. For example, you can merge multiple actions in one sentence, rather than each having separate sentences.


Thanks for the advice, I'll attempt to work on that in the next chapter.
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