ForumsArt, Music, and WritingSome lyrics

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inferedmonkey
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inferedmonkey
942 posts
Peasant

Well I wrote this a while ago to my girlfriend it's the first thing I've ever written so I'd love to know what you think


When I'm around you
I'm glad I found you
And when im not...
I miss you
I wish you,
were with me
But you don't see 
What I do
When I look at you
I see us 
And that's more than enough
I see everything I want
And even more 
I want to keep talking
Even though my throat is sore 
Cause I've told my favorite stories
And I'll tell a hundred more 
Before 
We say good bye 
And when you leave I wonder why
A part of me just wants to dye 
And I'm not lying when I say 
I could sit with you all day
 you put me in to happy of a mood to hate 
And Sometimes I think we must be fate
This is driving me insane 
The thought of you always stuck in my brain
And I can't wait 
To see you again
You will always be 
my best friend

Thanks for your thought

  • 6 Replies
acmed
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acmed
3,517 posts
Nomad

I think it's really nice, but it's hard to tell it's a song. Maybe make it so it's in poem form?

EmperorPalpatine
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EmperorPalpatine
9,439 posts
Jester

It's good. Some of the lines are a bit awkward like 'you put me in to happy of a mood to hate'.

inferedmonkey
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inferedmonkey
942 posts
Peasant


It's good. Some of the lines are a bit awkward like 'you put me in to happy of a mood to hate'.

Yeah it is a bit awkward now that I look at it but I wrote it during a time where between me and her it made since... I might just remove it entirely.

I think it's really nice, but it's hard to tell it's a song. Maybe make it so it's in poem form?

I considered that but I've always thought that poems use more figurative language then what I did in the writting of this.
acmed
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acmed
3,517 posts
Nomad

I considered that but I've always thought that poems use more figurative language then what I did in the writting of this.


Then edit it and add in some nice language. You know the ladies like poets...
jayjay9
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jayjay9
485 posts
Peasant

Nice, really, good love lyrics, now you just need a melody. Maybe you can make it a little bit better.

SoccerGirl27
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SoccerGirl27
138 posts
Nomad

its really good. i wish my bf was this creative. and turning it into poetry is a good idea.

p.s. achmed is totally right. we do

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