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Faunbard
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Faunbard
650 posts
Nomad

Hey everyone, i havent been posting for a while, and if you dont know who the heck i am, im faunbard, a guy with a passion for writing and Call of Duty.(JK)

So latley ive been in a state of creative failure and suddenly today during my 3rd hour at school i was struck by a lightning bolt of inspiration. This is a poem that i am writing for my creative writing class, and its due soon. I have a draft. but i need revision help, and im looking for some help, because my friends don't. Here it is.

I Don't Know You By Faunbard

My thoughts turn blue
As it rings in my head
That i don't know you

Your not the person that i once knew.
Changing always, like the morning dew.

You think it's cruel, that I act like this;
But you're the one who left me in the abyss.
As i sat in the dark, you branded me a tattoo,
It's unappealing letters spelling 'I don't know you.'


So there it is, i need help!

  • 3 Replies
dair5
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dair5
3,371 posts
Shepherd

Changing always, like the morning dew.


I don't exactly get this line. Does the morning dew change? I don't think that's a well known fact. Maybe another rhyme would be a better fit.
EmperorPalpatine
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EmperorPalpatine
9,439 posts
Jester

Maybe another rhyme would be a better fit.

I agree. Perhaps a line ending with 'untrue' might work? The rest seems good.

also (being the grammar nazi, which is useful in situations like this, when it's for school or something) "It's unappealing letters spelling 'I don't know you.'" The apostrophe makes it the contraction of "it is", which dosen't make sence here. And continuing with the grammar nazi-ism, "Your not the person that i once knew." This is the posessive form, such as "I'm critiquing your poem", when it should be "you're" (contraction of "you are&quot.
Faunbard
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Faunbard
650 posts
Nomad

To: EmperorPalpatinr
Ya for the 'your' part, thats just me being careless in my grammer. I was reading my poem off of a sheet and i was just being careless. For the it's part, i need a word then thats like it. What im saying is that the person left a permament mark on me, emotionally. That mark says i don't know you. ( i hope that makes sense)
For the 2nd stanza, the point here i want to make is that they once were a different person but suddenly they are changing as often as the morning dew. (doesn't the dew appear in the morning, evaporates or whatver, then appear again in the morning?) Well, anyways,the point of the 2nd stanza is that the person is suddenly changing alot.

Thanks for the help. Please continue to help.

P.S. The it is actually suppose to be its not it's

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