Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Zahz's uninvited writing thread.

Above post fixed: Yes yes, I know you've no clue what Aerie or beastmen are. Roll with it. And I'm aware there's a bit in the dialog missing. I haven't written it yet. Responders who say things like "good" will be sentenced to a period in the corn mines not exceeding the rest of their natural lives. Or they'll be ignored. Whichever.

Excerpt from Vashiel the Blasphemer's Comments on The History (The History is also by Vashiel the Blasphemer) 412 ED. Appendix OOOADG pp. 29,647-29,650 .Translation into Trade Common by Ezekiel the Extremely Bored
...How to use this text: â¦furthermore I brought the terrifyingly exhaustive footnotes into the main body of the text in the form of parenthetical statements while shortening them considerably because frankly I skimmed them and I'm doing this for free so you've no right to complain...

The governmental and political structure of the Atlantian empire (Sometimes called the Elvish Empire, The Empire, Those meddling elves, and a host of other even more unsavory names.) is often described by their priest-lawyers as a Democratic Empire. This is because while they have a royal family and other titled nobility this nobility's power comes from the extra votes it receives in the Senate. The Grand Senate of the Atlantian Empire is open to every person with the right to vote within it. (See appendix OOOADH for senate rules. [Translator: Basicaly the Senate consists of whoever shows up at the Senate that morning before the doors close and the agenda consists of whatever the Senate can agree is the agenda. To be legally binding legislation must be ratified by a Senate whose votes account for 51% of the total not counting the royal family or the Empress.]) Every legal resident of the Atlantian Empire automatically gets one vote (Save the Beastmen for obvious reasons.) and every citizen at least two. [Translators note: here the original text's language gets tricky and is smudged with what I pray is cheese so I'm going to fudge it.] The reason that every citizen gets at least two votes is obvious: Elves are *******s. Contemporary readers will note just how few non-elf citizens there are. Titled nobility have three or more votes. From Lord Soldier (Soldiers of age.) at three to Non-Traitorous Vizier at 8,888. Titles of nobility may be ascribed or attained with both being at one point or another awarded by the senate. Awarded titles may be a one off only for their original holder or more often given to a number of generations from the original title holder and are ostensibly awarded for services to the empire. (The truth is far more complex. Boils down to elves being *******s.) The exception to this is of course the royal family. All royal family members have ascribed titles based on their holders distance from the imperial throne. (From Traitorous Princeling at 100 to Ostensibly Non-Traitorous Sibling at 10,000.) The Empress herself however is awarded votes equaling one third of the total vote as counted by the imperial census every 50 years and by strong tradition controls all royal votes. The Empress, and by extension the whole royal family, traditionally abstain from actually wielding their votes in favor of allowing the Senate to control the day to day operation of the empire. (The origin of this tradition bordering on taboo is lost to elvish history. Empress Wesmaril II totally started it because she was lazy. Exceptions to this exist. Mostly at times of great emergency or, as in the case of Emperor Querlion V, at times of extreme boredom.) This is not to say that the Empress does not influence politics. Aside from actually voting she has many ways to influence policy. The threat of voting (Or in the case of Emperor Vismarklebat the threat of commissioning an Arie to carry his vote.) is almost always enough to get the senate in line with her wishes but this can be made to make her look the tyrant so usually when the Empress wishes to influence the Senate she does so through subtler means. (Quiet assassinations and the like.) The Empress, Royals and Nobles, like the regular citizens and residents, have the right to award their votes to a Representative via Letter of Commission if they so choose. These Representatives then wield these transcribed votes in addition to their own within the Senate. The original holder of these votes is at any time allowed to withdraw her Letter of Commission and either keep them for herself or award them to a new Representative. Letters of Commission are not all or nothing for the Commissioner. They may split their votes among themselves and any number of representatives as they see fit so long as they do not exceed their total vote. Representatives may also Commission their own Representatives but are only permitted to award their own votes to them not the votes they are Commissioned to carry. Royal Commissions are generally frown upon. (The intended representative cannot refuse to accept the Commission. She doesn't have to actually show up at Senate nor is she obligated to vote in any particular way but most career Representatives will split their votes according to what they think best represents their commissioners wishes.)...

[Translator: Yes, I'm skipping bits. You get what you pay for. The following is an abridged account of a Senate meeting. The important players are Emperor Vismarklebat, Representative DeLanFreedalos and Representative Hakasamsil and begins after three days of debate about the third beastman uprising.]
V: ⦠Look, the real point is that the outer territories need and deserve defence too. But frankly, on a more pragmatic axis, by doing nothing we only serve their ends. Every day the rebels get more and more bold in their attacks and our recalcitrance only emboldens them further while as a bonus, it makes us look like we don't care which sows the seeds of discontent within the territories. Just because the majority of the territorial population is non-citizen-
H: And there is is! They're not citizens! Military charter clearly states that only citizens are entitled military protection!
V: I don't care about military charter! That's not the issue. The issue is the-
D: Gentleman please! With all due respect your majesty the moral issue is not one we can afford to consider. Some of the territories are rebelling, so what? They do that twice a week. We ignore them, stop sending the healers and in a month they practically beg us to come back.
V: Yes yes, that's all true and I'd agree with you except that this is no normal rebellion. This is the beginning of a full beastman uprising and we have just one chance to avert it.
H: What proof? What proof do you have that this is another uprising?
V: The field reports are clear that Grandfathers-
H: Grandfathers? Grandfathers? The beastmen have not produced any Grandfathers in 300 years and yet we get steady reports of them from every corner of the empire! If you believe the reports you yourself are a Grandfather!
V: It isn't just panicking colonials reporting that a Grandfather killed their chickens any more general. It's field commanders you yourself picked.
H: Beastmen have on occasion used battle illusions to-
V: They've also on occasion been known to use Grandfathers!
H: No crops have been blighted abnormally! No plagues are running rampant! If there are any Grandfathers out there, why have they seemingly abandoned their go to tactics? If-
D: [Slamming staff on the marble floor.] Gentleman please! This is unseemly! One of our generals and his majesty about to wrestle in the dirt like human children! Your majesty, while I disagree with the general's mode of argument I do agree with his conclusion. Regardless of the hypothetical presence of Grandfathers-
V: [Mumbling loudly] We'll see how hypothetical it is when-
D: [Louder] Regardless of the hypothetical presence of grandfathers on the territorial front we have bigger fish to fry here! Or more accurately we don't have many fish to fry anywhere. The human economic control of Atlantian markets is-
V and H: [Laughing and in unison] Booooooriiiiiing!
[Chorus of ascent and laughter from the rest of the senate.]
D: [Magically assisted to boost volume] Gentleman!
[The rest of the senate quiets but still giggles]
D: The economic control of our market by the humans is a real threat my friends. Too many of our goods, especially food, are bought by their merchants. This drives up the prices for everyone. The humans of course can afford it. Our people are beginning to show strain. We depend too much on them for our military power-
H: [begins to protest]
D: [Over H] We purchase most of the metal used to make our weapons from them at ludicrous mark up because they have convinced us it's better to trade our wheat than to mine it ourselves. But I tell you we have been fooled! And if we undertake what is sure to be a long and drawn out campaign now, our dependence will only increase!
V: That's true and you're right, something must be done. But not right now. That can be dealt with later. Right now we need to send a legion to to the territories and pacify the snot out of them. If you do not agree I'll-
H: You'll do what? You'll vote? [Sharp intake of breath from the senate at large. One person faints.] Your aunt would have you assassinated inside the week.
V: Three days actually. My guards went over it with me. That is of course if I'm in the City at the time. If I where say, in my fortress at Solumbytan it might take her up to a month.
D: But if you aren't in the city how will you... [The color drains out of her face as she realizes the Emperor's plan] Kalypso preserve us...
H: What? What can he do? He's traaa- oh.
V: [Smileing] Imperial commission.
H: [Recovering] But your aunt will just get rid of whoever you commission too how'll you-
V: Ignoring the possibilities of random selections and/or multiple Representatives and/or just assigning new ones till my demands are met?
H: Uhhh...
V: I'll commision Balthamos.
Balthamos: [Jumping up and hurling celebratory lightning bolts at the ceiling] BOOYAH! My first act will be catfish for everyone! {Translator: Balthamos was the Arie representative at the time. You can see why this presented a problem for the Senate.}
[There is silence in the senate while Balthamos sprints out of the Senate yelling "Catfish ho!"]
H: All in favor of pacifying the snot outta some filthy and very dangerous rebels our glorious Emperor warned us about?
The Senate: [To a man in unison] Aye.
D: Motion carried. Let it be known henceforth...
[Translator: It goes on but you get the point. Now on to a very special section I like to call Why Elves are so Awful.]
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Elf names're fun.

...So She of the Fire asked the Dancing Rat the second question of mortals and again the Blind Serpents answered false truth. "That which is my adversary defines me and is ground away into dust. Know her as the Maiden and fear her as she fears." She of Fire heard the answer and it was recorded on the wall of Pendulum in the lair of Weaver. At last She of Earth asked the third question of mortals and the Abomination laughed. "Know that your concerns are as grains of sand on a beachhead." The Grand Perversion then looked upon Sylph and she asked her own question and the Silence answered but there was tumult and wind and the air child spirited the answer away and carries it still. And the Void said "It is done!" and ceased to know himself returning that which he stole to the Four. - Vashiel the Blasphemer

The dance of stars internal ends striking bones whose beats are wrought upon their brothers or cast from warmth where light may mock them and the fire ripped away I sing of iron and the man who learned the way to keep it in the fire long forgotten by his charge new mines are struck and rust is rendered splattered on the mothers breast where whence it came and was deceived of dragons and of honored dead I sing where fire meets the sky and all the black is kept at bay by silver threads in golden needles cannot righteous heroes mend.
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Stupid accent. Always messes up my meter.