Alright, so, i decided to try righting because i never really tried before, and after writing some short stories on word that i thought were decent enough to not be burned whenever some one saw them, i wrote some idea's down and started writeing a story on word. I will post the next part of the story every know and then, (every day or two), and then write the next part. I would really enjoy feed back, if its terrible, please tell me, and if you can, why. If its good, please tell me, and if you can, why. Dont feel like you HAVE to give feed back once you read it and decide how terrible or good it is in your mind. If you have an idea to make it better, please tell me. If you think that this is the worst writeing ever, it cant be improved, and i should never write a story again, please tell me.
Anyways, a bit of background on the universe this story will take place in. It is sci-fi(ish?) takes place on the dark and every storming planet without a name, in side the city of Ruvo on that planet. The first post wont have much talking, but it will once the protagonist finds some people. A long time ago(thousands of years) humans achieved space travel and left the planet of earth. Humans then spread acrossed other galaxys, as this one was inhospitable as it was. They met other intelligent life, but soon wiped out all other intelligent life in the "Platnium Age", and became the only intelligent life. Then, after many goverment cover ups, the history of earth and other intelligent life was lost. Soon, the goverment lost its grip on the universe, and was destroyed. With no one to lead them, large companies established private millitarys and took the law into their own hands. Our protoganist is a criminal for hire, doing any job for money. And that, is where this story(Which i hope isnt terrible to you guys/gals) begins.
File/location/section:743/division/1/status:unaware/connection:unawareâ¦ERRORâ¦ERROR/unauthorized intrusion/lock down in:5â¦4â¦3â¦2â¦1/unlock/code: XT47/reconnectingâ¦ERROR/system connection broken/seeking new connectionâ¦ERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORERRORâ¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦â¦.
âYou have 5 seconds to surrender yourself to law! Refusing to surrender only increases your bounty! Failure to comply will result in drastic measures of capture!â The flat robotic voice speaking outside the room slowly began to count down. I only had 5 seconds, but it would take hours to fix the connection. To think, it all failed just because I lost connection. I guess I better explain. You see, 2 months ago, I was connected by a client who wouldnât show their face, their voice, or their cash. It said they would pay a large sum of money for a simple heist job. All I had to do was to intercept a medium-sized ship, open the cargo they were transporting, and download the information onto a data-pad. It told me the security was low, no high profile people on board, and no companies owning the ship. It was an easy jobâ¦to easy. You see, right from the start I should have known something was wrong. I accidently flew in to close, and no scanners were set off. I was too panicked at the moment and just assumed that the ship was low quality. I flew on top, put on an oxygenized suit on, cut into an air lock and got on board. There wasnât anyone in site. I sighed, and rushed to the cargo bay. Still no one. I uncovered the large object from the cloth above it. It seemed to be some kind of ship, or chamber of some sort. The minute I walked in, a door sealed behind me and the alarm sounded. Suddenly, I heard footsteps outside. Clunky metallic banging. I knew the âGalactic Protection Agencyâ, as they liked to be called, or as people âoutside the lawâ referred to them as, âVat Corp.â. How they got that name, well, thatâs a different story. The point is, they usually used their robots to do the dirty work. And unless someone with a lot of money and power owned this old ship, I knew it was the Vat Corp.âs âbots. I quickly looked around and plugged my data pad into the only thing that seemed remotely like anything Iâve dealt with before. Suddenly, the screen on my pad turned golden, and words popped up in all kinds of weird languages. I recognized a few of them, but put my finger on English, my native language. Suddenly, that file started downloading, and wellâ¦were back in the present.
ââ¦3â¦2â¦â I looked around the room, and saw on scratched on the wall âRuvoâ and then some strange symbols under it. I look to the front of the ship (Which I figured it now was, seeing a small control panel and some kind of thrusters on the sides of it), and see the same symbols on a key-board of sorts. âYou have exceeded the time limit. Breaching shall now commenceâ. I quickly run over to it, as I hear large clangs against the door. I punch in the symbols in the order shown on the wall, and the ship begins to shake. It lurches forward, smashing through the cargo bay doors. It then rapidly spins around, smashing its self through several pieces of the ruined cargo bay door, and some Vat Corp ships. One hit after another, my head hits the wall and I black out. Suddenly, I find myself in ruined debris on some blackâ¦things⦠(Sand?). A storm rages around my, constant thunder and lightning, along with vicious rain. I slowly black out again, awaiting my fate the next morning.
Agh, so sorry, forgot to change my qoutes, really sorry about all the symbols. Here, ill fix that now...
"You have 5 seconds to surrender yourself to law! Refusing to surrender only increases your bounty! Failure to comply will result in drastic measures of capture!" The flat robotic voice speaking outside the room slowly began to count down. I only had 5 seconds, but it would take hours to fix the connection. To think, it all failed just because I lost connection. I guess I better explain. You see, 2 months ago, I was connected by a client who wouldn't show their face, their voice, or their cash. It said they would pay a large sum of money for a simple heist job. All I had to do was to intercept a medium-sized ship, open the cargo they were transporting, and download the information onto a data-pad. It told me the security was low, no high profile people on board, and no companies owning the ship. It was an easy job, to easy. You see, right from the start I should have known something was wrong. I accidently flew in to close, and no scanners were set off. I was too panicked at the moment and just assumed that the ship was low quality. I flew on top, put on an oxygenized suit on, cut into an air lock and got on board. There wasn't anyone in site. I sighed, and rushed to the cargo bay. Still no one. I uncovered the large object from the cloth above it. It seemed to be some kind of ship, or chamber of some sort. The minute I walked in, a door sealed behind me and the alarm sounded. Suddenly, I heard footsteps outside. Clunky metallic banging. I knew the "Galactic Protection Agency", as they liked to be called, or as people "outside the law" referred to them as, "Vat Corp.". How they got that name, well, that's a different story. The point is, they usually used their robots to do the dirty work. And unless someone with a lot of money and power owned this old ship, I knew it was the Vat Corp.'s bots. I quickly looked around and plugged my data pad into the only thing that seemed remotely like anything I've dealt with before. Suddenly, the screen on my pad turned golden, and words popped up in all kinds of weird languages. I recognized a few of them, but put my finger on English, my native language. Suddenly, that file started downloading, and well, were back in the present.
"3...2..." I looked around the room, and saw on scratched on the wall "Ruvo" and then some strange symbols under it. I look to the front of the ship (Which I figured it now was, seeing a small control panel and some kind of thrusters on the sides of it), and see the same symbols on a key-board of sorts. "You have exceeded the time limit. Breaching shall now commence". I quickly run over to it, as I hear large clangs against the door. I punch in the symbols in the order shown on the wall, and the ship begins to shake. It lurches forward, smashing through the cargo bay doors. It then rapidly spins around, smashing its self through several pieces of the ruined cargo bay door, and some Vat Corp ships. One hit after another, my head hits the wall and I black out. Suddenly, I find myself in ruined debris on some black things (Sand?). A storm rages around my, constant thunder and lightning, along with vicious rain. I slowly black out again, awaiting my fate the next morning.
It's really good. I enjoyed it, and can't wait for more. But I think you have one little grammatical error. At, "A storm rages around my" I believe the my should be me. But like I said all in all it's great. And Ill be waiting for more
Delete one of the "on"s. Also, I think oxygenated might be the correct word. Could be wrong on that one, though.
There wasn't anyone in site.
Sight
, and well, were back in the present
we're
"3...2..." I looked around the room, and saw on scratched on the wall "Ruvo" and then some strange symbols under it. I look to the front of the ship
Tense change.
Some style points:
I knew the "Galactic Protection Agency", as they liked to be called, or as people "outside the law" referred to them as, "Vat Corp.".
This is really, really clunky. First of all, it begins reading like "I knew the GPA, as they liked to be called, would be coming after me." But you never get to that second part. So the entire point of the sentence was explaining that you were simply aware that such an organization exists. Well, from how you explained it, they aren't exactly a little known group in your universe. It is like saying that you are familiar that there is such a thing as the government. Completely unnecessary.
Secondly, you have this double comma thing (I forget the word for it) twice: once when you clarify the GPA (as they liked to be called) and AGAIN when you clarify VAT Corp (or as people "outside the law" referred to them as). It just sounds... bad. Maybe break it up into two sentences, and add some actual substance to each sentence.
Your intro has a lot of great action an suspense. Suspense, definitely, is your strong point. So, just try to put more thought into each of your sentences, especially your "explanatory" ones like the one above. The way you use them now, they break up the action. They pull you out of the story, which is a bad thing.
I understand you want to explain things, because you have clearly put a lot of thought into developing a complex world. I would like to read more!
