Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → Rolling thunder. Written by goldeneye006

Start it! I'd like to read it =)

Chapter one

John woke up to the musty smell of the abandoned house he was living in.  His pistol, was not loaded for some reason, as he always keeps it loaded at night.   Just in case of any attacks, he loaded up a fresh clip for his dessert eagle, and placed it in his holster.  Something seemed odd this morning, someone or something was watching him.  Sure enough, being a trained special ops marine, he was aware, after breakfast he took out a frying pan, oiled it, and placed in a couple bullets.  He then went to the basement and took out his M16 rifle.  The bullets were cooking and after being heated, shot from the casings, and diverted the stalkers attention.  Sure enough, a stream of bullets prior to the diversion stormed through the kitchen.  The demons were back.  The group of possessed people known as the knights of humanity.  They, we're anything but human.  Each of them were genetically modified to a superhuman degree, creating the ultimate soldier.  This group however, was so occupied with their lust for power that they annihilated most of humanity to control the world.  They walked in the house and split up to search the rooms.  With his rifle, John moved out.  One of them opened the door to the bedroom.  John was waiting on the side with his Bowie knife.  Sure enough, the foe came in and John knifed him in the chest, then sliced his throat to finish him off.  One down, three to go.  John then made his way to the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of alcohol, and lit it up.  Then he saw a knight go up to him with an M4.  In response he ducked an slid up to him, smashing the lit bottle of alcohol in the hostiles face.  The man immediately burst into flames and fell to the ground.  John took out his M16 and assaulted the Last two.  They both saw him coming and sprayed bullets at him.  He in response threw a knife at them, and took cover.  The knife, hit one of their heads an delivered instant death.  The other, had to reload, but it was too late.  John had shot him in the leg.  John pointed his gun at him.  "who are you?" John asked.
The man said,"a servant of the order...*cough cough* we will be coming for you.  There will be more.  You won't survive, hehehehehe....." 
John fired his gun and delivered the killing blow.  He knew he would have to get on the move.  Here is how the journey begins...

So far, it is fairly good. Something I didn't like though is the à marks that appeared throughout the text.

Well, let's wait for the Order to reveal itself!

Okay, grammar is actually important. Your story is very, very difficult to read because it has (sorry) excessively horrible sentence structure and grammar. Some bad grammar is tolerable, but try to keep things to a minimum.

Some basic recurring things:
Comma abuse. You use commas much more often than you should, and makes everything sound choppy, in a bad way. For instance:

His pistol, was not loaded for some reason, as he always keeps it loaded at night.

Sure enough, being a trained special ops marine, he was aware, after breakfast he took out a frying pan, oiled it, and placed in a couple bullets.

They, we're anything but human

Sure enough, the foe came in and John knifed him in the chest, then sliced his throat to finish him off.

Here is how the journey begins...

sorry bout that grammar stuff guys and also those crazy marks. I wrote chapter one on my Ipad so it might have been that, but thanks for the advice, i will write this on the computer next time.

Chapter 2

It was official, John was leaving his pathetic little squat. He never thought that he would have to go through that trouble, but the stakes seemed to high. John was out of M16 ammo. He then grabbed his other assault rifle in the basement waiting to be used. It was not even used for about five years. John was not sure if it had even been fired. Luckily, he had a huge stockpile of ammo for it. He took it out of the box and inspected it to be sure it was safe to shoot. He scrambled throughout his hideout to gather the rest of his materials and ammo. He was all packed in about three hours. His backpack and his multiple pouches were filled completely. The supplies included a weeks worth of food, two glock-17s, a spas 12 shotgun, a small medical pouch, and heeps of ammo. The sight of how well he was armed was frightening. When it was time for him to leave the sun was just starting to set. He would have to move fast. The night patrol would be on the move in about two hours. That was his time limit. Two hours to find a place to hide for the night, or to find a group of survivors to tag along with. John searched frantically. It looked like hiding was his best bet, but he wanted to try to find at least on partner if he could. He was all over his area searching and scouting for a good place to settle. He sees this old run down inn. Checking for the time the night patrol moves out, he decided to stick in the inn until morning. He was expecting night patrol to be a bit early. Sure enough, the patrol scoped out the streets for any movement. It is a bit more of an inconvenience for the possessed ones to maneuver at night. They are not resistant to cold temperatures, they have bad eyesight, and to top it all off they have embarrassing reflexes. All of these factors prove greatly useful to ambush the patrol. the patrol walked by the inn, and stood at the doorway for a minute or two. John was right next to the doorway. One mistake could be fatal. The patrol was debating on opening the door. It eventually grunted and left. John was so relieved. However, a gun touched the back of his head. A young, hearty voice said "Drop your weapon and get down...NOW!!"
John did what the voice said. He wanted to look but he could get shot. All he could do was question. Who was this person, or thing that had him at gunpoint. It did not sound like a possessed one. Yet, John did not know what was in store for him...



That's all folks! I tried to use correct grammar. It was probably the Cruddy ipad's writing processor or something. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the chapter!!