SOUL EDGE A shining edge gleaming in the moon, a sword lies dormant in it's sturdy tomb. Waiting for it's time to duel another soul, don't underestimate it, or beware of it's tool. It thirsts for a life to claim from battle, it's absolutely silent except for a rattle, to warn you of death, your impending doom, it's such a loss this match will end so soon. Quick as a flash you won't see it coming, hiding won't help, and neither will running. It feeds on fear, which you are emitting and possesses it's user to do it's evil bidding. No weapon nor style in existence can prevail, the unholy blade will destroy much like hail of the harshest storm, while standing on a ledge, live forever in fear, of the dreaded Soul Edge.
Don't underestimate it ---> I get that Don't beware of it's tool ----> I don't understand what you mean by this :S
it's absolutely silent except for a rattle
How is it rattling? What's causing the rattle?
Other than those two statements which confused me, it's a good poem for a first one and one that follows such a strict rhyme scheme.
One suggestion would be to use proper punctuation. At the end of a lot of lines you use commas, when periods are more appropriate. Lots of people seem to think you use a lot of commas in poems, but it's just like normal writing. When a sentence ends, use a period!
Why'd you make two threads for the same peice? Just make one thread for ALL of your stuff.
Its a good start. Try breaking it up into some stanzas and correcting a few minor gramatical errors:
or beware of it's tool.
I'm fairly certain that "it's" is "it is", so it doesn't make too much sense to have it written as such.
Some of your rhymes are a bit off as well: 'doom' and 'soon', 'tomb' and 'moon'. Its the soft 'M' ending on 'doom' and 'tomb' that doesn't match with the strong 'N' ending on 'soon' and 'moon'.
Some of your rhymes are a bit off as well: 'doom' and 'soon', 'tomb' and 'moon'. Its the soft 'M' ending on 'doom' and 'tomb' that doesn't match with the strong 'N' ending on 'soon' and 'moon'.
Rhyme does not have to be perfect like that. Those're still perfectly fine for the purpose of any poetry unless one is going specifically for perfect rhymes.
Anyway, this is organizationally very weird. As was said earlier, try for stanzas or at least double-space the work or something. Your comma use is fine on principle--punctuation in poetry is best suited to guide the reader on how to read the poem. If a comma-level pause is what is rhythmically necessary, then go for it. However, you do use a LOT of commas, so it gets tiring to read after a while. Also, since there's no default pause at the end of a line of poetry, make sure you put a comma at the end of each line where you want there to be a pause. In a few cases, the lack of a comma at the end of the line makes the next line feel syllabically bloated.
This piece is a good start, but as of now lacks synergy between the different core elements of poetry. When the rhyme scheme, rhythm/meter, form, and diction all work together seamlessly to further a message or impression or statement or something, you'll have a great piece on your hands. Polish these four elements so they're all pristine and you'll have a good one. Right now, this is good for a first effort but requires some polish--especially in terms of the formatting, the rhyming (which feels a bit forced sometimes), and the meter (which feels uneven in a few places, usually due to lack of variation in punctuation or lack/presence of a comma where there should/shouldn't be one) in a few places.
STOP IT MAV. DON'T DECEIVE HIM WITH YOUR OVERVALUATION OF PROPER CAPITALIZATION OR LACK THEREOF. AND SPENCER, STOP WITH YOUR SUCCUBIC PRAISINGS. THEY WILL OVERNOURISH AND SATURATE THE POOR CHILD'S BRAIN MUSCLE.
B-but Ceeeeeeeennnnnennyyyy . . . ;-; I'm just trying to defend the improvement of this dear little rhymey-egg, and Spencer and Mav are ruining it and interrupting me and my feet hurt because I stepped on a really sharp piece of mulch an-
Guys. Calm down. Im in grade 9 and its my first attempt. thisisnotalt, i dont think it has to be perfect. And the_manta, he can offer constructive criticism. But thank you both for the help.
God, i feel like im babysitting my little brothers...
