The Death Of A World The sparkling dew had just settled upon the morning ground. The terrain was barren, and the mountains were peeking through the thick mist off in the distance. To the other side was an entirely different world. The once fertile soil is now cracked and dry. What should have been a blue sky has morphed into a blood red shade of lost hope. What could be mountains is nothing but a dark cloud. The cloud is advancing. It is not just gas, it is an army. The deaths of every human, every being, has manifested into one form. That âthingâ has created an army. One that would destroy all of man-kind, or make it more powerful that it has ever been before. We can no longer stand by and let the fates decide who becomes victorious, we must take action. If we are unsuccessful, all is lost. There is no room for mistakes. We are Handigoria.
I will continue this story on and off, can't really help it: school. Sorry.
some minor grammar mistakes but pretty good in my opinion caught me until this part
What could be mountains is nothing but a dark cloud
I lost some interest at that part you should do some editing and have some people read it before hand. 6.5/10sorry but I'm a die hard critic when it comes to story's
I would suggest making your sentence structure more varied, instead of having them of the same boring length such that when you read it aloud in your mind, it comes out abrupt or robotic.
sorry but I'm a die hard critic when it comes to story's
I hope you're not a die hard grammar critic because when it comes to stories, you're a little slow off the mark. You've said you lost interest in Santi's story at the part you quoted, yet you never told him why the quote was incorrect. More to the point, why did that particular sentence turn you off when the three previous sentences were where the grammar began to decline as they were written in different tenses?
The sparkling dew had just settled upon the morning ground. The terrain was barren, and the mountains were peeking through the thick mist off in the distance. To the other side was an entirely different world. The once fertile soil is now cracked and dry. What should have been a blue sky has morphed into a blood red shade of lost hope. What could be mountains is nothing but a dark cloud. The cloud is advancing. It is not just gas, it is an army.
The first part is quite nice, but slightly overused. Instead of saying the mountains were peeking, why not say peering. Peek, Peak, Mountain thingie gets confusing. Then when you mention the other side, try not to say it was an entirely different world. The other side of what? A river? A Mountain? Also, The terrain was barren, then you said on the other side the soil is dry. That isn't different. If you want to contrast something, make it parallel or something.
What could be mountains is nothing but a dark cloud. The cloud is advancing
Bit confusing. Try to say, "In the distance, a dark cloud cover what could be mountains." Then something like "Upon close inspection, blahblahblah"
That's all for now! But I will be here when you post more
Santi_, your story is somewhat decent, especially for your first one. There are several parts that could use tweaking and improving of course. But you do show a few good signs of a promising, up-an'-startin' writer.
First, I would suggest developing the setting of where your story takes place. Readers in general like to know exactly where things are going on. You mentioned two areas, each on different sides of the mountains. You mentioned a side that was barren and a side that you described as having dry and cracked soil and like MoonFairy said, those are pretty much the same things. So you might want to be more careful of the words you use when describing a setting.
It is not just gas, it is an army. The deaths of every human, every being, has manifested into one form
I'm afraid that is where my interest began to degrade. That concept seemed slightly far-fetched to me. I personally enjoy things that are a tad more on the realistic and believable side. Of course I'm not saying that some magic and supernatural shouldn't be included at all, but at the same time, I just don't think you should over-do it.
A third suggestion would be to continue the story maybe a paragraph more so that you can explain what the Handigoria are and who they are and what they're like and if they're even human and why they have to stop the cloud and how they might stop the cloud. Details are key.
Now the main plot of the story is very important to the essence of the story as well. You must continue the story with a steady, clear, and understandable plot. You also need a steadily progressing plot that develops farther and farther towards the the climax of the story. Take Jack and the Beanstalk for example. The first few events help lead up to the climax. The leading events like Jack trading the cow for the beans, Jack planting the beans, Jack climbing the beanstalk, Jack takes the giant's treasure, (then the climax begins) Jack is discovered by the giant but Jack makes his daring escape back down to the bottom of the beanstalk, (then you need a cooling off of the plot) Jack cuts the beanstalk, the giant is killed, and Jack and his mother live happily ever after. This is a basic example of a good plot. Once you add a few details and descriptions to your story's plot, you have an excellent short story. But don't forget, even though it's called a short story, it can still be longer than a single paragraph.
I know that you are planning to continue the story and perhaps develop the plot later but those are just a few tips I think you may want to keep in mind. So, I hope my criticism has been constructive and insightful.
P.S. You might want to brush up on your grammar as well.
To say you have no interest in a story that has not even been remotely revealed or developed is a bit of a stretch. The paragraph is well written, has decent description, and despite grammatical flaws it conveys the message well enough. Now I realize there are those who dislike the style presented here, however that is no reason to read a short paragraph and say you lost interest at a particular sentence. Nonsense, there is enough there to either make you wish to read more, or to simply stop.
To Santi:
You have given your readers little to judge you on. If you wish to post a story on the forums, by all means do so, however please be aware that you must provide more than a short paragraph or people iwll lose interest, or be unable to follow your story. I strongly recommend you develop your grammar. If English is not your first language, then I suggest you find someone who can edit for you to have your presentable. If you wish to continue posting the story, do so, I see a fair amount of potential, however becareful in your descriptions. Furthermore in order to aid you I suggest dedicating more time writing within a word program and then posting long passages. Or, develop a blog in which to post the story so that it may flow easier without comments jarring the flow of the story and having the reader search for parts.
i agree with MoonFairy and wolf...... i think u did really well and u have done gud to make it a bit mysterious (is thats wat u were doing) but u didnt very well explain it like the
To the other side was an entirely different world.
part u cud have told other side of what? (mountains?) and
What could be mountains is nothing but a dark cloud.
this is when i started to lose a lil bit interest and ......
That �thing� has created an army.
part i donno how to say but was freaking weird and
The deaths of every human, every being, has manifested into one form.
this part was when i started to regain my interest..... overall NICE JOB!
