Raised from the pits of hell whilst the morning sunrise burns in my heart i await surtain death as my journey once begins. With dying spirit i headed towards the mountain, past the locals. Kids laughed at my disfigured face mothers cowered in fear and fathers barricaded their windows and doors. Every one started running. I did not look nor speak to anyone for comfort i just walked. When i reached the Mountain I had felt as if i was home. The rough feel of its side felt comforting but also harmful. I put my ear to the mountain and heard the sound of charging horses. I looked up and saw that my nightmare had come true. Flaming arrows rained from the sky covering the entire mountain side. and at that point i knew my life was over.
Arrows started piercing my skin and soaring past my head. An arrow struck me in the center of my chest only giving little pain, for my skin was strong and their arrows were not. After the rain of arrows had stopped even my skin felt destroyed. i could do nothing but yank every arrows out one by one. Afterwards i headed towards the top of the mountain. The land was beautiful but i had better things to worry about. GAHHH!!! The pain and misery i endoured. The arrows must have been poisoned because my entire body shut down all i could do was stare at my disgusting body as my eyelids shut i knew i had failed and although my future generations will be disapointed i finally could just accept death instead of this worthless life.
"Jack wake up its time for school!" Tumpanse yelled up the stair case. "I DON'T WANT TO! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Replied Jack Tumpanse was furious, He grabbed a large butcher's knife off the counter and started walking up the stair case. Tumpanse tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. "****, it's locked" Tumpanse remembered why he brought the Butchers knife. He lifted his hand and with the force of a baseball player swinging a bat. The door knob broke, fell off and somehow emitted no sound. Tumpanse kicked open the door ran inside grabbed Jack, put him over his shoulder, ran back out the door and down the stairs then took a left and threw Jack into a dining chair.
Some advice....vary your sentence length or it makes for weary reading after a while. Second, and and a rather more minor point, but bad grammar and spelling usually puts readers off.
Raised from the pits of hell whilst the morning sunrise burns in my heart i await surtain death as my journey once begins. With dying spirit i headed towards the mountain, past the locals. Kids laughed at my disfigured face mothers cowered in fear and fathers barricaded their windows and doors. Every one started running. I did not look nor speak to anyone for comfort i just walked.
Compared with
Certain death awaited my wretched being as I was finally dragged out from the deepest pits of hell. My journey had at long last begun. As my inner strength ebbed away faintly, the mountain with its snow white peak loomed before my eyes. Creeping past the locals, young laughing children ran circles around me, curiosity piqued at this contemptible specimen of a human. Fear; I could see fear in the eyes of mothers anxiously urging the children back in. The sound of locking doors made a mechanical cacophony that rang painfully in my ears. Fear; I could sense it from the fathers hurriedly bolting shut those strong oak doors. Fear; it permeated the air heavily as I walked on without an ounce of pity offered.
I messed around for five minutes, so it was a botched job I guess.
drago9292, In my opinion, your story was much much too short. Even though it's called a short story, you should still make it longer.
First, I would suggest developing the setting of where your story takes place. Readers in general like to know where things are going on. Your only setting was the mountain. You could give more description of the mountain. Is it tall? Is it small? Is it wide? Is it rocky? Is it grassy? Are there trees on it? Is it the only mountain in the area or is it part of a long mountain range? You could even tell what was around the base of the mountain. You mentioned locals, so does that mean there is a village at the bottom of the mountain? Ask yourself questions that the reader might ask, when you answer those questions with a bit of description of your setting, you should be able to create a suitable environment for your story to take place.
I would also suggest developing the background of your main character in the story. We do not even know if your character is male or female. We don't know where the character came from. We don't know why it went up the mountain. We don't even know if your character is human or not. So be sure to add plenty of personality to your characters.
A third suggestion would be to further explain the conflict of your story. For instance, why was the character attacked by all the flaming arrows? Was it at war with other people? Did it have a moral conflict within itself? I think a bit more description of the conflict is needed and would up the excitement of the story.
Now the main plot of the story ties in with the conflict of the story as well. But, you need a steady plot that develops farther and farther towards the the climax of the story. Take Jack and the Beanstalk for example. The first few events help lead up to the climax. The leading events like Jack trading the cow for the beans, Jack planting the beans, Jack climbing the beanstalk, Jack takes the giant's treasure, (then the climax begins) Jack is discovered by the giant but Jack makes his daring escape back down to the bottom of the beanstalk, (then you need a cooling off of the plot) Jack cuts the beanstalk, the giant is killed, and Jack and his mother live happily ever after. This is a basic example of a good plot. Once you add a few details and descriptions to the adventure, before you know it, you have an excellent short story.
Well, I hope my criticism has been constructive and insightful.
P.S. You might want to brush up on your grammar, capitalization, and spelling as well.
Raised from the pits of hell whilst the morning sunrise burns in my heart i await surtain death as my journey once begins. With dying spirit i headed towards the mountain, past the locals. Kids laughed at my disfigured face mothers cowered in fear and fathers barricaded their windows and doors. Every one started running. I did not look nor speak to anyone for comfort i just walked. When i reached the Mountain I had felt as if i was home. The rough feel of its side felt comforting but also harmful. I put my ear to the mountain and heard the sound of charging horses. I looked up and saw that my nightmare had come true. Flaming arrows rained from the sky covering the entire mountain side. and at that point i knew my life was over.
Arrows started piercing my skin and soaring past my head. An arrow struck me in the center of my chest only giving little pain, for my skin was strong and their arrows were not. After the rain of arrows had stopped even my skin felt destroyed. i could do nothing but yank every arrows out one by one. Afterwards i headed towards the top of the mountain. The land was beautiful but i had better things to worry about. GAHHH!!! The pain and misery i endoured. The arrows must have been poisoned because my entire body shut down all i could do was stare at my disgusting body as my eyelids shut i knew i had failed and although my future generations will be disapointed i finally could just accept death instead of this worthless life.
and this:
25 YEARS LATER
"Jack wake up its time for school!" Tumpanse yelled up the stair case. "I DON'T WANT TO! AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" Replied Jack Tumpanse was furious, He grabbed a large butcher's knife off the counter and started walking up the stair case. Tumpanse tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. "****, it's locked" Tumpanse remembered why he brought the Butchers knife. He lifted his hand and with the force of a baseball player swinging a bat. The door knob broke, fell off and somehow emitted no sound. Tumpanse kicked open the door ran inside grabbed Jack, put him over his shoulder, ran back out the door and down the stairs then took a left and threw Jack into a dining chair.
First, I would suggest developing the setting of where your story takes place. Readers in general like to know where things are going on. Your only setting was the mountain. You could give more description of the mountain. Is it tall? Is it small? Is it wide? Is it rocky? Is it grassy? Are there trees on it? Is it the only mountain in the area or is it part of a long mountain range? You could even tell what was around the base of the mountain. You mentioned locals, so does that mean there is a village at the bottom of the mountain? Ask yourself questions that the reader might ask, when you answer those questions with a bit of description of your setting, you should be able to create a suitable environment for your story to take place.
I would also suggest developing the background of your main character in the story. We do not even know if your character is male or female. We don't know where the character came from. We don't know why it went up the mountain. We don't even know if your character is human or not. So be sure to add plenty of personality to your characters.
A third suggestion would be to further explain the conflict of your story. For instance, why was the character attacked by all the flaming arrows? Was it at war with other people? Did it have a moral conflict within itself? I think a bit more description of the conflict is needed and would up the excitement of the story.
Now the main plot of the story ties in with the conflict of the story as well. But, you need a steady plot that develops farther and farther towards the the climax of the story. Take Jack and the Beanstalk for example. The first few events help lead up to the climax. The leading events like Jack trading the cow for the beans, Jack planting the beans, Jack climbing the beanstalk, Jack takes the giant's treasure, (then the climax begins) Jack is discovered by the giant but Jack makes his daring escape back down to the bottom of the beanstalk, (then you need a cooling off of the plot) Jack cuts the beanstalk, the giant is killed, and Jack and his mother live happily ever after. This is a basic example of a good plot. Once you add a few details and descriptions to the adventure, before you know it, you have an excellent short story.
Well, I hope my criticism has been constructive and insightful.
P.S. You might want to brush up on your grammar, capitalization, and spelling as well.
@AfterBurner0
Are u like a editor or a professional writer???? it sounds like it
