as the title states i am unsure if i am a decent writer at all. i mean i used to enter the child and teen author contests in grade school and junior high. i normally got into the top 5 submitted, and from there i was best of school once and special recognition twice, but that's about it. please don't be too harsh on me this is the first time ima write or anything for serious. just tell me if it's good... or if i should just stop writing where i am at. this is a small excerpt from one of the chapters of a book i'm currently trying to write. this is a rough draft, and punctuation or misspelled words or misshapen sentences and the like will be taken care of.i like to write and read fantasy and theoretical type stuff. hope this goes well.. time to start typing..
CHAPTER (unknown)
Eliehtay stumbled from the portal and took in his surrounding. he found himself in a long, hot, dry desert canyon. a soft desert wind blew around him kicking up small flurries of dust around him. looking around, he could not see Pyraxxis or Jarkin. "Jarkin!" he yelled out. the words repeated themselves and bounced off the seemingly endless walls of the narrow ravine. There was no answer. Eliehtay begin to walk in the sweltering heat. as he passed by some scraggly desert brush, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. he peered at it cautiously as Jarkin slowly and yet steadily emerged, still bearing his wounds of the previous battle. Jarkin immediately took notice of Eliehtay and judging by the lack of footprints by the brush, he must have been dropped here from the portal. Jarkin began to motion towards the heavens, using his inborn powers. Rain began to flood the normally calm sky as it fell in great splashes onto the dusty canyon's floor. "what the **** is Jarkin doing?" eliehtay thought. the rain increased to a torrential downpour as the two young men looked at eachother. Eliehtay felt cold, soaked to the bone, chilled to his very heart and somehow, he knew this had nothing to do with the freezing rain pounding on his skin. As Eliehtay moved forward to talk to Jarkin he felt slightly happy at having found him... but oddly cautious for a reason he couldn't explain... he stopped dead in his tracks as Jarkin drew a long, wickedly curved gleaming dagger. with a strange menacing stride, jarkin began to move towards Eliehtay. Eliehtay began to create a shield around himself from the rain and Jarkin but no.. wait.. something stopped him.. what was it? The dagger! it nullified his powers! where had Jarkin gotten THAT!? Eliehtay began to step back matching Jarkin's steps. he remembered what Pyraxxis said, "i have servants everywhere, even in your midst, closer than you can think." Eliehtay finally saw the truth. He felt helpless without his poweres, stripped, bare, naked. he couldn't even open a ******* portal... Jarkins pace quickened. "Jarkin, whatever Pyrxxis has told you, stop please you don't have to." eliehtay pleaded. Jarkin's silence continued. the stalk continued in an all quiet, except for the thunder coming from overhead. Eliehtay could feel mud squelching at his feet and trying to suck away his boots with every backstep he took. "i fight you if i must." eliehtay growled as he felt a hard, cold prescence in his back. he had hit the ravine's wall. That was whne Jarkin made his move. with a quicksilver flash he leaped forward and drew the dagger slashing for Eliehtay's chest. Eliehtay barely ducked in time and jumped sideways in time to avoid a major chest hit. However, the dagger did score a minor hit acrost his forhead. "damnit" he said. as he dropped down again and lashed out with his legs at Jarkin's own. For a second, it seemed that jarkin might continue standing, but then he fell onto the canyon floor, a now near-constant flowing river of mud. he slipped and fell as he tried to regain his stance. Eliehtay grappled upwards against the sucking mud and pulled himself close to the wall using it as support from the rain, wind and mud. he wiped blood from his forhead where is was partially blinding him and stinging his eye. he looked at Jarkin's face now. what he saw was unexpected. It was an odd mixture of hate, anger, insanity and a touch of... pity... as if the heavens answered to this, lightning cracked and thunder rolled and roared. Jarkin, also managing to stand using a small deseret bush that was threatening to pull away with the now ankle-deep mud. "why jarkin why!" he screamed over the wind and thunder. Jarkin simply screamed back, "Pyraxxis and his post-war world, he showed me what would happen if we won, and how i could help if he won and i sided with him." "you don't understand," he continued, "i was the shadow... i followed him all along.." Shadow.. shadow... shadoww. the word seemed to echo endlessly in Eliehtay's mind. He recalled (later filled) dying words regarding the shadow. "so you would betray us all for a seat of power!" "a GOD ****** position for the live's of all your bretheren." Eliehtay screamed with anger and rage. "i am going to kill you.." he promised as he grabbed a fist sized rock sitting on a nearby ledge. "TO HELL WITH PYRAXXIS! TO HELL WITH YOU! TO HELL WITH YOUR BLOODY IDEAS OF THE WORLD AND MOST OF ALL YOU!" he spat with venom in his tone that practiclly spit from his mouth. Time seemed to stand still. Jarkin gaped, as Eliehtay rushed forwards slipping in the mud to get to him. Jarkin met his charge and the two hit, as the thunder reached a crescendo. Eliehtay heard a satisfying crack as the rock conencted with Jarkin's side. Immediately afterward, he felt a sharp pain in his skull as the hilt of the dagger came down on his head. the pain spiraled down his neck as he weakly sank to his knees, threatening to fall unconscious. his whole world was encompassed in pain, his body shuddered. "you always were too arragont." Jarkin said he brought the dagger up. Eliehtay weakly looked upwards and saw Jarkin's face haloed by lightning and rain. "Jarkin..." he pleaded. as the lightning crashed and the thunder rumbled like a cry of a dieing animal, long ominous and foreboding. Jarkin held the dagger high. The dagger fell downward with force. eliehtay, with a sense of resignment looked downwards as well, unable to fight anymore. Eliehtay closed his eyes. Jarkin Screamed. The wicked dagger made contact. it sunk in deeply.
well anwyays that's all i got for now.. i don't write from the beginning, i jump around and think up a storyline as i go. i hope this is decent. see you all.
Just make sure you don't have an adjective in like every sentence, and NEVER EVER EVER EVER do the double or triple adjective. Modifiers should be like once every two or three sentences if possible, and adverbs should be used more sparingly.
NEVER EVER EVER EVER do the double or triple adjective.
... unless you know what you are doing. Plenty of professional writers (Frank Herbert comes to mind) have used multiple adjectives in a row.
Look at this line from Grapes of Wrath (and yes, I just randomly opened a page): "A lean brown mongrel dog came sniffing around the side of the tent"
Well that is an okay general rule, it doesn't apply to every situation.
The obvious exception would be dialogue. In reality, people don't always talk in a "lean, mean, and uncluttered" way. So if you want your story to be realistic, it makes sense to have your characters disobey the "rules" of good writing.
For instance, if, in real life, someone were to ask what my car looks like, I would say:
"A small red SUV, with a luggage rack and a spare tire."
So if that situation came up in a story, I should write down exactly that. I shouldn't edit reality to make it sound prettier.
The obvious exception would be dialogue. In reality, people don't always talk in a "lean, mean, and uncluttered" way. So if you want your story to be realistic, it makes sense to have your characters disobey the "rules" of good writing.
That also goes without saying.
So if that situation came up in a story, I should write down exactly that. I shouldn't edit reality to make it sound prettier.
Well, there's no specific noun for 'small, red SUV' so if you need to describe it that way, then so be it. But in most situations, a double or triple adjective will take the flow of the story and hit it in the head with a baseball bat.
ok so, as many stories start, they begin with a death of a person nobody knows who is unimportant to the main plot, other than to simply get the story rolling. I tried to cut out useless ajectives and adverbs. i also tried to use paragraph form and indent, not sure how good of a job i did. i beleive that, i too, shall begin this way simply because i am in a bad mood right now and in no mood to brainstorm and spend alotta time on this XD. hope this goes well heres another one, cheers.
Paul Gerard
The night had been quiet at the Museum of History in SpringField for Paul Gerard. His steps were light as he walked through his patrol section of the museum. Two other guards were on duty tonight, Rob and Erik. Paul's thoughts drifted to his life, his family, his friends, and his pay. Deep in thought, Paul continued to walk on past his patrol zone. *Crack* With a slight jump Paul snapped out of thought. he looked around and realized he was in Erik's patrol zone. "lazy punk never does his job anyway." thought Paul. he had never really liked Erik, a young college student who had a habit for fights and getting his upper nose busted. (by Paul of course.) *crunch* There it was again, a crackling in the next room. Paul thought hard on what to do. he had left his keys and light in his section on a case. He pulled out his walkie from his belt, and pushing the talk button said, "umm yeah Rob got possible activity down here, could you come check it out?" "i'm a bit far outta zone and Can't find Erik.." He waited in silence. "yeah, yeah i'll take care of it." came the sudden transmission. Paul stood nearby the locked door and waited for Rob. Eventually, Rob appeared out of the darkness. With a quick flip of his flashlight, the room illuminated. "gimme a sec" rob said as he flicked out his keys searching for the correct one. Paul stood nearby, beginning to grow worried about the repetative crunching coming from the next room. "where is Eric..?" Paul thought. the keyes jutted into the hole and the large doors flew inward. the room beyond was encased in blackness and Paul could see nothing until Rob came in. From the other end of the hall the crunching was still heard. Paul couldn't quite see what was making those noses. Paul motioned to Rob to go around one side of a large exhibit while he went to the other side. in unison they both peered around the corner, each with hands on their heavy nightstick. Rob pointed the light towards a swift moving black figure that was tearing down and ruining exhibits. The light shone and Paul saw the strangest man he had ever seen. The man was tall and thin, with flaming orange hair. The hair danced on his head as if it were living fire. He was attired in a tunic and had a silvery metallic cape acrost his shoulders. the fire man took notice of Rob and began to point at him and mutter something. Rob slowly approached the man hand on his club. "look man, we've already called the police, just take it easy and this won't be hard on you." he said to him. Paul doubted this, judging by the destruction here the man would be in prison for quite some time. the man's muttering stopped and the room exploded. Everything seemed to be sucked inwards towards the point of Rob. statues collided, exhibits flew, and rob went with them. Paul stared in amazement as everything was compressed into a large ball, and then seemingly thrown outward again. The entire ball combusted and an explosion shook the room with debris flying everywhere. Paul was hurled backwards into a wall, and suddenly his legs became numb. He looked at the man who had not noticed him yet. Paul looked downwards. A large piece of stone and iron had embedded itself within his abdomen and blood was seeping out all around it. He had to get help he had to get up but for some reason his legs failed him. they were like lumps of wood and he felt so numb and cold from the wound down. Paul turned in disbelief to to the fire-haired man who was making his way towards a wall and searching through the undestroyed exhibits. "Aha!" he exclaimed as he pulled out what Paul believed to be the runes of pharaoh, a gift given last year to them museum from an archaeological dig. Paul heard footsteps coming from the direction of the door he thought, but he could hardly concentrate at all because of the pain in his chest. While his legs might have been numb his chest was on fire and he could barely stay conscious through a haze of pain. The footsteps grew stronger and Paul saw Erik make his way into the room, flashlight leading. Paul wanted to scream, to call out, to yell to him to run and get help, but his voice failed him. Erik walked into the room and took in the destruction about him. He stared at the man, then the wreckage, then the man again. "what the hell.." was all that escaped his lips as he was suddenly thrust into the air. Paul turned to face the fire-haired man and saw his hand raised in the air. the man's hand closed into a fist, and as it did Erik began to choke. Erik flailed around blindly trying to escape from the unseen force holding him in the air. Paul looked into the man's eyes and what he saw terrified him. When he looked into his eyes he saw the greatest hate he had every seen. Eyes so full of malice and venom that he wanted to die rather than see that sight again. Erik stopped struggling and with a flick of the man's hand, he was thrown to the side like a rag-doll. The man began making symbols in the air, and a purple vortex began to open in front of him. As he did that, another purple hole began to materialize behind him. From this second portal, a teenage girl emerged. The girl had bright purple hair and stunningly shining green eyes. She was clad in leather armor and simple brown clothes. in her hands she carried a round wooden shield and a schimitar. The man took notice of the vortex and turned to face her. "aha! Lumintra! so glad you could make it, but i'm short on time now you see my dear." he said with a mock smile. Lumintra replied in kind. "you know you can't run forever Pyraxxis sooner or later we'll get you and then we'll.." Pyraxxis suddenly threw out his hands and a blazing blue cone of energy erupted from them sending Lumintra backwards acrost the floor, her weapon and sheild clattering to the floor. Pyraxxis began his motions again and the vortex reopened to a man-sized hole. Lumintra regained her composure and stood up. Just as Pyraxxis began to collect his runes of pharaoh and step through the portal, Lumintra jumped at him and screamed, "No you don't!!" sending herslef flying towards Pyraxxis in a wild tackle. They flew through together, grappling and wrestling for the runes. As they left, the portal closed up behind them, seemingly disappearing into nothingness. Paul Gerard , the last one to witness the whole ordeal, felt the pain no more. As he listened to the sirens outside, and stared horror at his blood all around him, he laid his head back, and died.
Sorry if the end seems a bit rushed, i had to get off cuz meh dad hope it's good, this would be the ProLogue of the book if it were in order. tell me what you think! ^_^ Hoo-Rah!!
Well, it's a tad cliche. And again with the past tense... Look, I'll rewrite one paragraph in the present tense, so you can see how much better it sounds.
There it is again, a crackling in the next room. Paul thinks hard about what to do. He can't find his keys or flashlight; he must have forgotten them in another room. He pulls out his walkie from his belt, and pushing the talk button says, "umm yeah Rob got possible activity down here, could you come check it out? I'm a bit far outta zone and Can't find Erik.." He waits in silence.
"Yeah, yeah I'll take care of it." came the sudden transmission. Paul stands nearby the locked door and waits for Rob.
Well I am not gonna critique you grammar or anything, but you are leaving MORE cliffhangers!!!!! GEEZ. And this is really cool..... But you need to describe the little ball of energy thing a bit more, and it would be great!~ lol The Pyraxxis dude has the Force xD
Pyraxxxis is not using the force :P he's got a form of magic... something all the powered are gifted with and have.... and aknerd, thanks for suggestion, but ima continue to right this is thrid person cuz it works better for me.
@aknerd, sorry didn't mean third person i meant present tense XD and anyways, @Mitsuki *gasp!* he is not the force! in case you haven't picked up on it he's meant to be evil. O_o reword maybe? XD
