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1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

Well, since everyone else is writing a book I though I might to.

Here's the first chapter:

Nothing was finished. She didnât even start her life.
She was an Undecided right now.
Her name was Kristina. She had died when she was 15; someone had shot her. She was always different, sure she had some friends but she was the outcast. Her parents both worked two jobs, and she had an older brother that had a job also. The year was 2012, when the world was âsupposed toâ end.
When she had died a fallen angel had taken her to Hell, literally Hell. Hell she saw, was not a place with flames, not a place with people working with chained-balls on their legs. No, Hell was just a damaged New York City. She saw people hiding, and other people in the sky with wings. They kept walking in the middle of a run down NYC when a fairy came.
The fallen angel looked about 16. Long white hair, his bangs were barely over his eyes, he had black angel wings on his back, white shirt, skinny pants, and nice shoes. He had an average muscular build and he would look nice if he didnât have anger in his eyes. He must have died early.
âDaniel, Lucifer has requested your presence.â
âNo one speaks of Satanâs true name. Does he ask me to bring the girl?â
âYes.â
Wow, fallen angels⦠stupid fallen angels, Kristina thinks.
âI hear you girl, if Satan didnât give me orders I would have killed you by now and you wouldnât exist. Your mist looks tasty,â Tom smiled.
He was joking, she thinks
âMist?â
âSatan will tell you and your kind, girl.â
They walked up to what looked like Taj Mahal. She saw a bunch of other undecideds and they were walking toward the entrance.
âWhere are we going?â asked Kristina.
âPatience girl.â
âStop calling me girl!â
âShut up.â
When they entered they saw Satan. His skin was pale, his hair was black, and his irises were red. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt, black pants, and black shoes. He was holding his glowing trident in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.
Once everyone was in the building, Kristina was looking around. For what?
Suddenly Satan said, âSILENCE.â
The room went silent. Lightning cackled outside.
âYou are all here because you have been taken by my Spies. You see, we are running out of⦠members. The Great Rush is about to begin. God is not the one starting it, in fact it is the Elvish Race is. Many of you have no idea what I am talking about.
âYou see, the 6 races of the spiritual world, Darkla, Haven, Elvish, Lampion, Segno, and Gol, have come to an agreement. We would never bother each other unless with business or immigration. But lately the Elvish Race has at least destroyed 1 major city in each race not their own, this has caused a big disturbance. Those cities played an important part in each world, now it is too late. Lampion and Segno are already preparing for war. The Elvish population is vast; it should take three races to take them down. Haven and Gol are not participating in this war for reasons unknown. We are behind; luckily Lampion and Segno are already prepared. This is why we have taken you, to fight on our side, the Assailants!â
A great cheer went up, only from the ones that âlivedâ in the spiritual world long enough.
Satan continued on, âSome of you will be doctors or nurses, some will be warriors, others will be researchers, and so on. Your training begins now
âOver time your wings will grow. You can decide between showing them or not. Flying requires showing your wings, or else you are a useless human. Your Fallen Angel will take you to the Academy.â

  • 21 Replies
1337Player
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1337Player
1,766 posts
Peasant

The "a,square,square" thing is a quotation mark. I have no idea why it did that.

1337Player
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1337Player
1,766 posts
Peasant

And (OMG) it's not leauge, it's league. I REALLY NEED TO WORK ON MY SPELLING.

zombiehunter121
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zombiehunter121
55 posts
Nomad

Nice job.

thepossum
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thepossum
3,035 posts
Nomad

This could develop into a wonderful book, or even a series... I look forward to it. But you really need to work on your copy and paste skills my friend. This first section leaves so many unanswered questions it's not even funny...

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

But you really need to work on your copy and paste skills my friend. This first section leaves so many unanswered questions it's not even funny...


Yea I'm working on that. And it's not supposed to be funny? Oh yeah, the mist I forgot about that I put it on my manuscript but not here. I'll continue.

Scratch this
Your Fallen Angel will take you to the Academy."

Instead put.
A demon walked up to Satan and whispered something in his ear.
"Oh yes! Your fallen angels may have been talking about your mist. You see, your mist is your blood in the Realms. If you have too much of it, you will die. If you have none at all, you will die. Your mist tastes like your personality, if you are a happy person your mist might taste like ice cream, if you are an angry person your mist might taste like burnt toast. You have the idea..."

I'm not sure if that is going to be in the book. I might edit it along the way.
1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

Here's my 2nd chapter. It's not much, but I want to update this page so.

Satan said, "Oh look there's Master Moe."
Everyone turned to where Master Moe was, he was on a railing way above everyone.
Satan vanished.
"Please, call me M&M," his voice was deep, "I am one of the head Administrators for Darkla. My job is to make sure everyone follows the rules. If they do, they could get promoted. Yes that's right, everyone in Darkla works for Darkla. Most of you in here are trainees, beginners, novices, etc. Back on topic now...
"HERE ARE THE RULES. Number 1. No trespassing certain zones that has a "NO TRESPASSING" sign. Number 2. No plagiarism, if you copy someone's work⦠well you will see. Number 3. No cannibalism. Number 4. No killing authority. Number 5. No chaos, we are a civilized realm. The punishment for breaking all these rules is NON-EXISTANCE. You are dismissed."

Kristina rushed out the door.
Daniel popped in front of her, "Not so fast now. Why are you in a rush?â
"No reason."
"Listen, you canât escape from Darkla, even if you get to the border you canât get out."
She sighed
"I hate this as much as you do."
"Letâs just get to the Academy," she said bored.
"Alright, put your hand on my shoulder," he said.
"Why?"
"Just do it."
So she did. Daniel muttered a few words and the vanished into darkness. Suddenly, light reentered their world. They saw many peopl already sitting down.
"What's this?"
"You ask too many questions. This is the first test. You sit down, you have a piece of paper and a pencil. You complete the paper and leave it on the desk. After that you will come back to me."
"Seems easy enough."
"You'll see."
She sat down at an empty desk and a test and a pencil appeared. She looked at the first question.
What is the exact date when World War I started and ended?
"What?" she whispered to herself.
She writes down:
July 28, 1914 to November 11, 1918.
Question 2:
What is Albert Einsteinâs famous equation?
E = mc2
What does it mean?
E represents units of energy, m represents units of mass, and c2 is the speed of light squared, or multiplied by itself.
Question 3:
What almost caused World War 3?
Russia thought the US was sending a nuclear missile toward them on their radar, but later they found out it was heading toward sea. World War 3 was averted.
"What kind of questions are these? These are..." she figured it out.
Almost all of the questions were about war, scientific equations, strategies, and etc. She had blow through the test like it was a piece of cake.
M&M walked up to Daniel and said, "She might be the one."
"Her? No. There are many reasons why she isnât the one."
"Iâm telling you Daniel."
"Whatever."

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

Okay I think this thread is dead, because no one is posting on it anymore. Unless a Mod locks it within the next 2 days, I might continue posting chapters.

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
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Shepherd

I think it is pretty cool. Very Original. Keep it up. But you better fix those Squares and crap, cuz it is getting annoying.

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

But you better fix those Squares and crap, cuz it is getting annoying.


Lol. Okay I will.
Here's the next part of chapter 2.

Kristina walks up to Daniel 10 minutes after the test had started.
"What now?" she asked.
"You're fast. Proceed to the next room. The door is over there."
Kristina looks at the door for a while thinking something bad behind it but changes her mind and walks toward it. She opens the door to find another room, only two people were in here. They were waiting, for what?
She walks up to one of them, "Hey, do you know what we're doing?"
"Not right now," he said.
He was an elf, he immigrated from Elvish to Darkla in his first week dead.
"You're an elf!" she exclaimed.
"Yeah, so?" he said, "I wasn't like this when I was alive, idiot..."
"Don't listen to him," the girl said, "He's just miserable. Who are you?"
"I'm Kristina, Kristina Glaze."
"It's nice to meet you Kristina, sorry that youâre here. You know, the fallen angels and stuff. My name's Alyson, you can call me A, and he is Xavier," Alyson came closer and whispered into Kristina's ear, "Xavier had a harsh childhood, parents died, had to fend for himself. You know, that type."
Kristina nodded.
Suddenly the door vanished and a devil appeared in front of them.
"Hell-o, my name is Fan, most people call me⦠well Fan. I am a Moderator of Darkla and you are now part of my team for the rest of this test. Each team consists of 4 people, the Moderator and the three trainees. Now, any of you have any skills that would be considered "abnormal" in a human standard?"
Xavier walked toward Fan.
"Your name is?"
"Xavier. Give me some throwing knives, a blindfold, and some targets."
Fan gave him those items. Xavier tied the blindfold over his eyes, got ready and threw the knives.
Dead on.
"Okay, nice," Fan wrote something on his clipboard, "Anyone else?"
Alyson stepped forward and said, "I can fly."
"Really?" Fan said doubtful.
"Yeah, give me some open space."
The roof opened. Alyson opened her dark, almost ghostly wings and took off at 200 mph. She did a twirl, a loop, and some other tricks until she landed.
"Interesting," Fan wrote on his clipboard once again, "What about you?" He pointed at Kristina.
"I'm Kristina and I can⦠I can turn invisible."
Could she?
"Can you now?" Fan looked at her, or where she was standing, "Where are you?"
"At the same spot."
Fan wrote some stuff on his clipboard, again, "Well, that was good, very good. You all passed. Now grab on to my shoulder."
They all did and went into a state without light. Then they were at someplace that looked like a battlefield.
"What now?" asked Kristina.
Soon one by one, more teams were coming in.
"Be right back, STAY HERE," Fan said.
He vanished. Then reappeared hovering everyone, "Hello all Moderators and fellow Devils. This will be a quick test, the rule is simple. When the first one to die by another person's hand the test will be over . If you die, you will have to take the test all over again. There are weapon's all over this field. Good luck, and may you die."
All the Moderators vanished.
"WAIT. READY. SET. GO."
All of Hell exploded.

All of the squares should be gone.
I used moderators because well, the synonym is referee and moderator sounded much cooler.
1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

ok... well most of the squares are gone.

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

No one is posting... so here is the next part of my story.

While Kristina and her team were fighting off other people, Daniel was looking for Fan.
He saw him, "Fan!"
Fan appeared right in front of him.
"Is the meeting still on?"
"Yeah."
"Who's coming?"
"EJ, Jesus, Gyde, Verde, Linda, and you and me."
"EJ's coming?"
"Yeah, why?"
"He usually never comes..."
"That's because he's been on missions."
"Oh really?"
"Yes. Come," Fan walked toward a coffee shop.
They walked into the building and sat at opposite ends.
"How's the girl?" Daniel asked him.
"Kristina? Oh she's doing fine."
"I doubt that."
"What would you like?" said the waitress.
"I'll have an espresso extra foam, please," said Fan.
"And you?"
"Just a Latte."
The waitress left.
"I better get back, to watch them," Fan said, "And I better see you at the meeting, you don't have to be afraid of her."
"I'm not."
"Sure, just come," and Fan left to the battlefield.
"YOur espresso..." Daniel said, "Whatever." And he left too.

When the buzzer sounded everyone dashed to hidden places. People found swords, daggers, guns, bombs, and RPGs.
BOOM
"Someone should be dead already," said Alyson told Kristina. They were hiding behind a huge boulder.
"You don't know how people can survive," Xavier said demonically-ish.
"What?"
"Nothing."
BOOM
Another explosion.
Suddenly someone was charging toward Xavier with a giant axe in his hands yelling, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"
"Bad mistake."
Xavier took out two swords and countered his axe. Then he kicked him down and knocked the axe out of his hands.
"Do you want to live?" Xavier asked him, "Er. I mean do you want to die again?"
"No!" he sounded frightened like a little puppy.
"Go."
The guy stood up and ran away.
Xavier turned his head and raised his sword to deflect a bullet. He changed his mind and dodged it.
Suddenly the buzzer sounded a second time and Fan said, "STOP! Before you do anything else..."
All the weapons vanished.
"Now. Who died."
"Someone over here!"
A Moderator appeared over the dead body, "He's dead."
"Now. To your fourth test," said Fan.

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
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Shepherd

Erm, I am a bit lost.... really. I don't know who excatly the character is, and it is just.. am mess.

Sned me a comment on my profile alright? I wanna talk to you about this

It is a good story, just messy is all.

Nater
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Nater
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Nomad

yes i agree with Moonfairy it's a great book but very messy and all over the place. Try reading over it a few times and finding some places to add transitions.

1337Player
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1337Player
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Peasant

Well most of the characters are nameless and aren't really a major part in the story. Yeah...

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
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Shepherd

I am almost done modifying it, but I have to go out today, so I will send you an email later on tonight hopefully it will help.

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