Well, since everyone else is writing a book I though I might to.
Here's the first chapter:
Nothing was finished. She didnât even start her life. She was an Undecided right now. Her name was Kristina. She had died when she was 15; someone had shot her. She was always different, sure she had some friends but she was the outcast. Her parents both worked two jobs, and she had an older brother that had a job also. The year was 2012, when the world was âsupposed toâ end. When she had died a fallen angel had taken her to Hell, literally Hell. Hell she saw, was not a place with flames, not a place with people working with chained-balls on their legs. No, Hell was just a damaged New York City. She saw people hiding, and other people in the sky with wings. They kept walking in the middle of a run down NYC when a fairy came. The fallen angel looked about 16. Long white hair, his bangs were barely over his eyes, he had black angel wings on his back, white shirt, skinny pants, and nice shoes. He had an average muscular build and he would look nice if he didnât have anger in his eyes. He must have died early. âDaniel, Lucifer has requested your presence.â âNo one speaks of Satanâs true name. Does he ask me to bring the girl?â âYes.â Wow, fallen angels⦠stupid fallen angels, Kristina thinks. âI hear you girl, if Satan didnât give me orders I would have killed you by now and you wouldnât exist. Your mist looks tasty,â Tom smiled. He was joking, she thinks âMist?â âSatan will tell you and your kind, girl.â They walked up to what looked like Taj Mahal. She saw a bunch of other undecideds and they were walking toward the entrance. âWhere are we going?â asked Kristina. âPatience girl.â âStop calling me girl!â âShut up.â When they entered they saw Satan. His skin was pale, his hair was black, and his irises were red. He was wearing a black long-sleeved shirt, black pants, and black shoes. He was holding his glowing trident in one hand and a piece of paper in the other. Once everyone was in the building, Kristina was looking around. For what? Suddenly Satan said, âSILENCE.â The room went silent. Lightning cackled outside. âYou are all here because you have been taken by my Spies. You see, we are running out of⦠members. The Great Rush is about to begin. God is not the one starting it, in fact it is the Elvish Race is. Many of you have no idea what I am talking about. âYou see, the 6 races of the spiritual world, Darkla, Haven, Elvish, Lampion, Segno, and Gol, have come to an agreement. We would never bother each other unless with business or immigration. But lately the Elvish Race has at least destroyed 1 major city in each race not their own, this has caused a big disturbance. Those cities played an important part in each world, now it is too late. Lampion and Segno are already preparing for war. The Elvish population is vast; it should take three races to take them down. Haven and Gol are not participating in this war for reasons unknown. We are behind; luckily Lampion and Segno are already prepared. This is why we have taken you, to fight on our side, the Assailants!â A great cheer went up, only from the ones that âlivedâ in the spiritual world long enough. Satan continued on, âSome of you will be doctors or nurses, some will be warriors, others will be researchers, and so on. Your training begins now âOver time your wings will grow. You can decide between showing them or not. Flying requires showing your wings, or else you are a useless human. Your Fallen Angel will take you to the Academy.â
Well this is a pretty short part. I just thought I would update this
Everyone was alone. They were warped to Where they died. They saw how they died.
Kristina saw herself walking home from school. That was me, she thought. Then in the corner of her eye she saw the gun. The person was on top of the building, aiming. That was destined for me, she walked closer to her tangible self. She fell to the ground and Kristina was warped back to the battlefield.
Xavier was watching himself at age 13. On the floor crying on the streets. He found a gun and was tempted to shoot himself, when a voice said, "Stop." He dropped the gun, shocked. A chinese man stood behind him, "Why do you want to kill yourself?" "I have no purpose." "Exactly the opposite. You must die in order to save the other world." "Who are you?" Xavier tensed. "I will teach you," said the chinese man. Two years later... The chinese man gave him the gun he found, and another one, "You will shoot yourself in the heart and brain." "I know what I should do," he said as if the chinese man didn't know anything. He is still ignorant, thought the chinese man, "Goodbye." "Goodbye Master," Xavier pulled the triggers and the dead Xavier warped back.
Alyson saw her death. She was 14, and she was sick. "Mom..." "Everything will be alright Alyson," her mom said. "No it won't. It's my time to go." Her 4 year old brother was crying. "Shhhhh, it's going to be alright," said Alyson. Then Alyson was warped back to the battlefield.
I hope it isn't too messy for you guys.. Yeah it sucks ***
Also I got 1337 points today . The screenshot is in The Tavern. Title is "I'm so Pro... lol"
They were back in the bleak, boring room. "What was the point of that?" asked Alyson. "The point, Alyson was for you to learn something from that," said Fan. "And?" "And what did you learn?" "Nothing?" "Are you sure?" asked Fan. "Yes." "Well, you can keep what you've learned to yourself, it's none of my business. Anyway, since you have passed all your tests, you will begin training immediately." "We don't need training," said Alyson. "Alright, hold onto my shoulder," said Fan. They did and were warped to a forest. "Now this is an important mission. A spy of the Elvish race has been infiltrating Darkla territory and has been sending information back to his boss. We need to end his existence. To do that you have to say Endious Exitance," he pointed his hand at a tree. A ball of energy shot out of his hand. When it touched the tree, the tree was vaporized, "Now, move out." They split in different directions. "They're screwed," Fan said, "Well, I better do my job."
Alyson was flying through the leaves of the trees when she saw something move. A rabbit-looking thing hopped out. "Just an animal," she said to herself landing on the forest floor. "Not for long." She froze.
Xavier was holding his sword in his hand. "Aren't you a little young to hold a sword?" said the same voice. "What?!" he said surprised.
Kristina was invisible walking. She wasn't careful with her footsteps so she made a bunch of leaves rustle when she stepped on them. "You are horrible at being undetected."" The person grabbed her from behind and tied her up and put duct tape over her mouth. Soon Kristina became visible. The guy threw her in the cave with Xavier and Alyson. The guy took off his mask and wig. Their eyes widened.
Well...I'm going to congratulate your for effort. But, I'm also going to be brutally honest, don't take this the wrong way, this is me citiquing and trying to help you develop your skills as a writer.
First off, there's nothing wrong with how you've done thing so far, but there is an element of stereotypicalness in here. While that itself cannot be helped because all fantasy is nothing but plays of stereotypes it can be avoided to the extent you have created it. Next I find the plot well developed so far, but it is confusing as hell and like it has be stated before...messy. I suggest you clean it up. Again I too have a problem with the characters, while many characters may play minor roles it is often a good idea to develop them like any other character for your benefit and for the readers'. Please also be aware that this story is, at the moment quite...meh. It isn't anything special, but believe me I have seen worse. If you have any comments or concerns don't be afraid to message me.
Okay if you're confused. I've revised the beginning and here it is.
Nothing was finished. She didn't even start her life. Her name was Kristina. She had died when she was 15; someone had shot her. She was always different, sure she had some friends but she was the outcast. Her parents both worked two jobs, and she had an older brother that had a job also. The year was 2012, when the world was "supposed to" end. When she had died two fallen angels had taken her to Hell, literally Hell. Hell she saw, was not a place with flames, not a place with people working with chained-balls on their legs. No, Hell was just a damaged New York City. She saw people hiding, and other people in the sky with wings. The fallen angel looked about 16. Long white hair, his bangs were barely over his eyes, he had black angel wings on his back, white shirt, skinny pants, and nice shoes. He had an average muscular build and he would look nice if he didnât have anger in his eyes. He must have died early. A fairy came. "Daniel, Lucifer has requested your presence." "No one speaks of Satanâs true name. Does he ask me to bring the girl?" "Yes." Wow, fallen angels⦠stupid fallen angels, Kristina thinks. "I hear you girl, if Satan didn't give me orders I would have killed you by now and you wouldn't exist. Your mist looks tasty," someone whispered in her ear. He was joking, she thinks, wait who is he? That person was about 17. Black, greasy hair, bangs over his eyes. He was taller than Daniel by 2 inches. He was wearing a red shirt, with black shorts and sandals. "Mist?" "Satan will tell you and your kind, girl." They kept walking until they came up to what looked like Taj Mahal. She saw a bunch of other people and they were walking toward the entrance. "Where are we going?" asked Kristina. "Patience girl." "Stop calling me girl!" "Shut up, both of you!" said Daniel. "All right Daniel, no need to get all angry," said Tom, "Whatever I gotta go," and Tom disappeared. "Who was that?" asked Kristina. "That's Tom, you donât want to go near him," answered Daniel.
I copied this from Word so it might still have some a,square,square. And here's the next part of the book.
The guy took off the tape from their mouths. "FAN!" they screamed in unison. "Yes, yes," Fan said, "And I was going easy on you guys. I thought you said you didn't need any training." "But! The spy couldn't have been that strong." "Yes they can, and they are. You three do need training, and that's a fact." "Fine," said Alyson. "Okay, now I'm going to release you," said Fan. The rope and duct tape fell off. Alyson charged at Fan. "You won't give up, will you?" Fan moved his hand in a striking motion. A force came out and hit Alyson. She fell back and hit the ground hard. "Naïve little girl," said Fan, "Now, Kristina put your hand on my shoulder, only Kristina." She did as she was told. They warped to a dark room, darker than a black hole. "Fan?" she said, "Fan?" she said a little louder, "FAN!" she then yelled. "Fan isn't here right now," said a voice. "Who are you, where are you?" she asked. Suddenly the lights turned on. "Hello Kristina," said Tom sitting in a chair. "Tom! What are you doing here?" "I work here, this is my office," he said proudly. "Then why does it smell likeâ"" "That doesn't matter." Kristina surveyed the room. The room was quite spacious could have fit 45 elephants in it. There were no doors that she could see. There was a window covered in a deep red velvet curtain. There was a bookshelf containing many books, Study of Immortality, Skills and Spells, Mistology: How You Can Make Mist Delicious. Behind her was a couch, and Tom was sitting in a chair that looked like one of those chairs that rich people have. In front of him was a desk with many items on it. A pencil cup containing many pens and pencils, a lot of paperwork was on his desk, a laptop in the middle of the desk, and a photo of him when he was a young child.
Didn't feel like finishing the chapter. If it's still confusing or messy let me know on my profile or email me.
