Madolin tried to get some sleep. He couldn't. His red eyes were wide open, watching the moon from his cave. Madolin was sure he wouldn't sleep again. He thought he was the last Dragon. The others had been hunted down, as he was now. His Red eyes watched the forest and the cave entrance. A man was standing in the entrance. "Another challenge... When will these peaple give up?" "Dragon!" The knight cried out loud. "I am here to hunt you, and put an end to you, worm! Fear me! Beast of the Underworld!" "Another hunter. These guys are crazy." "Come out and fight me, if you will!" Madolin stood up, tall and proud. His eyes put fear into the man. He walked slowly towards him. "Dare fight me?!" the Dragon's voice blasted out "If you will, say Aye!" The knight stood speechless. "No" he finally blurted out. "Good. Now go away if you wish to live another day." The knight rushed away, never to return. Madolin was sad he had to behave that way, but the Hunters were always coming and he needed to scare them. Hours passed without number. Madolin woke up at the sound of cries and shouts. He peered out. Several men were fighting. "Look, I will kill him!" a small one said "No." the oldest man said "We're in this together." The Dragon was patient, and he waited for them to decide who would "kill" him. "You woke it up!" The fight continued, each time more violent. Finally they went away. Madolin liked to take walks in the forest. He admired nature. The squirrels were always interesting, the rabbits, fast and small. The river's water was like candy to him. The trees, high and proud, resisted strongly the winds. The grass yielded like paper in a tempest. The foxes were about, crows high in the air. Fish swam in a nearby lake, and crocodiles. He especially liked chatting with crocodiles.
"Well, hello Madolin!" Jork the Croc said. "It is always nice to see you around here!" He turned around to yell at the other Crocs. "Hey, look who is here!" "No, it is my pleasure." Madolin was always polite to animals, but not to men."They tried to hunt me down. Twice." "I see they have failed. Who can hunt you down? If the great bears, the wolves...the great animals cannot, then who?" "Men" The Dragon watched the crocodile look at him with a smile. "Men cannot. They will never hunt you down, you will see." Jork looked at the other Crocs nearby." How about a swim?" "Nah, I can't right now. At this hours, peaple come to my lair to challenge me." the Crocodiles swam happily, waiting for the others to come. The Dragon looked around, watching endless ants build their Anthills. He was carefull. He didn't want to stomp them. He respected nature. He heard men approaching. He rushed to his cave.
The Dragon looked around, watching endless ants build their Anthills
Always gotta have your ants dontcha?
Finally they went away Madolin liked to take walks in the forest. He admired nature. The squirrels were always interesting, the rabbits, fast and small. The river's water was like candy to him. The trees, high and proud, resisted strongly the winds. The grass yielded like paper in a tempest. The foxes were about, crows high in the air. Fish swam in a nearby lake, and crocodiles. He especially liked chatting with crocodiles
THis has got a little bump in it. You just spazzed out on us here. You threw in "He likes to take walks" out of NOWHERE. you could be like ~He didn't like the men trying to kill him. He didn't like that he had to scare them off, and that made him upset. But taking walks in the woods always helped him calm his nerves.~ Yeah that was a 6 year old description of it, lol. But something like that. Just smooth it out and fix your spelling and your set!
btw, I like it. I love dragons lol. I wrote a little novel called Jakire on a different site. though it isn't finished yet It is all about dragons. and magic.
Lol I detest ants, no offense of course... Story was pretty awesome....you'll want to work on the scene changes and dialogue some though it seems very choppy.
Hmm, it's cute. Not bad story, but there's some issues with the pacing and the jumping from one thing to another... And it seems quite unfinished. Nice read, though~
Madolin rushed to his cave. Just in time. Not far, a small crowd of men was approaching. The old man he saw some time ago was their leader. They had pitchforks and other farm equipment that could be considered as "weapons". The Dragon spied them quietly from his lair. The men continued approaching. "Shhhhh." "Hush" The men tried to stay quiet. They didn't know the dragon had allready noticed their presence. Madolin knew they feared him. His only friends were animals. But humans, they hated him for no reason. His appearance wasn't that bad. Other dragons looked far worse. They continued slowly approaching. The Dragon rushed out of his cave. "Why are you here!?!?" His voice echoed in the valley. "Uh...uh... We are here to fight you, Mr. Dragon!" The man told the dragon. He looked scared "We... we won't uhh... run away, yes!" The others started walking towards the Dragon. "Well, looks like I must fight..." Madolin stood tall, his claws threatening the men, his mouth aimed at the crowd, ready to breath fire when necessary. They threw their pitchforks at the Dragon, one hit his leg and bounced away, the others missed. He chased them while trying to burn them. The old man took out his sword. "I'll put an end to you devilish creature!" He screamed as he foolishly charged at the dragon. A swift movement of his tail was enough to send him flying. He panicked away, running to the nearby town. The dragon watched as he ran away, his small legs running as fast as they could. He didn't notice the others taking out swords. "Aaaagghhhh!!!" one shouted as he charged at the dragon. He was also sent away flying. The others weren't so foolish. They encircled him. While his back was turned at any of them, he would try to attack the dragon. He used his claws to threaten the men that came too near. His tail was moving wildly, smashing anyone who was to near. The dragon opened a hole in the circle and walked away. The men approached from the cave. ten seconds of breathing fire was all he needed. The men ran away, throwing their gear away. The dragon took these items, and took them in the cave. He left them at the area labelled "Treasures". It was almost empty, except for a small cap, ten bottles of beer and a golden belt. This one was his greatest treasure, all that he had left of his family. He missed them so much. The great knight Pelaradonorix had hunted them all...His parents and his brothers. If he wasn't carefull, he would also be hunted...
Erm, you keep skipping around so much in your story, the talk of his family is so breif, you don't really wanna know that much about them. And If it is a fighting scene, it should be alot more detailed if that is all this update is about. Work on it alright?
Actually, I like the flow just the way it is. It shows the things the dragon cares about. Of course he isn't going to dwell on the fight scene; he hates fighting. So skipping forward to the nature scene makes perfect sense.
You also go the tone spot on. It's funny, but you don't push the humor. You just let it happen naturally, and you don't insult the audience by overly explaining jokes.
As far as advice goes, I don't really have that much for you (sorry). Maybe write down more of the dragon's thoughts?
Oh, and make sure the story doesn't fall into any of those "mean on the outside, nice on the inside" cliches. You know what I'm talking about. Like, where the dragon get's persecuted until someone figures out that he's actually nice, and then people learn to accept him. It's been done too many times.
Madolin woke up the next morning. He ate his last hare, and went out to hunt some more. They ran as he chased them, around the trees, into burrows and on the small streams of the river, he took one with his powefull claws, and the hare died. He then hunted some more, chasing them around and around. The place seemed familiar. Then he remembered he had seen it before, in a dream. He heard something run from behind, and a squirrel ran up into a tree. Its big eyes studied the dragon carefully, and then, it jumped from one tree to another, and then the squirrel jumped into a high tree. Madolin saw it above, scared of him. "Don't be afraid little fella, I'm not a bad guy." The squirrel looked at him, puzzled. Then it answered in a deep, powerfull voice: "I am not a lousy squirrel. My name is Ghornad and I am a shape shifter." Then the small squirrel started growing bigger, and bigger and turned into a jiraffe. "There's my proof. Pray, what is your name?" "Madolin. The Last Dragon, or so I think." "No you are not, for I have seen another dragon seven miles from here. T'was big and blue. Maybe you'll find it." "Don't call a Dragon 'it'. We are 'him' or 'her'." The shape shifter turned himself into a dragon. He turned into a green dragon, and he grew small spikes all over his body. He then looked at the Dragon. "I don't want to be called an 'it' anymore. I shall be a Dragon, and you shall teach me how to be a dragon!" The next day Madolin carefully told Ghornad how to catch wild animals to eat and how to cook them. He also told him about special herbs including spices for the food, which plants were poisonous and which were delicious to eat. The next day, he told him how to fly, but Ghornad simply couldn't do it, but after many tries and some broken bones he took the sky for some seconds. Then they heard a horse's hoofs kicking the ground about a mile away. They hurried to the lair to see what was going on. They were surprised at what they saw.
I think it's a fantastic story so far, one that I cold look forward to following for a while. While I do agree with the masses as to the fact it needs work on spelling, as a whole it flows well has lots of potential. A lot of people seem to be complaining that it's "choppy" but I disagree with that; It seems he's just introducing characters and trying to open your eyes to the situation.
You threw in "He likes to take walks" out of NOWHERE. you could be like
The scene was over. He needed to move on to a different subject, so he started building Madolin's character. Through this walk you become aware of his surroundings, a friend of his, as well as the other animals' awareness of his plight.
the talk of his family is so breif, you don't really wanna know that much about them.
It is mysterious and well-written in preparation of a lengthly story. Good story lines do not grow on trees, so he has wisely placed a opaque subject for further down the road, one which I hope is revisited in the future. It seems, MoonFairy, that contrary to your post towards aknerd you are trying a little subconsciously to mold the story to your liking. I know constructive criticism will go a long way towards making this an even better story, but try not to influence it to much.
Anyway this is a great story, besides some grammar problems, this could be a fantastic story.
I appreciate that. It's a great story so far, so knowing my comment made a contribution towards forming a better story is great news. I hope the next entry is soon in coming!
