Chapter 1 of The Enchanted world of Armonia The Beginning ~
A long time ago, a butcher named Strop, once went into the darkened woods of the Armonia forest, where he found a strange well, he has never seen before. He grabbed a big rock, and threw it into the well. But he never heard the crashing sound of the rock, instead, he saw a bright light, illuminating everything around Strop, the light was so strong, it stunned Strop for some seconds, as he was stunned, he quickly notices that he's falling into something, he screams yelling for help as he falls down, but, after a while of falling, a wind stops him from falling, and he lands on a grassy ground, without getting hurt. He looks around and just see's a forest with huge tree's, although he thought this didn't look like the Armonia forest. He started yelling "HELP!" "ANYBODY HERE?", something from far away shouted "WHO'S THERE?", Strop quickly replies "I'M A BUTCHER", the deep voice yells at him "WHATS A BUTCHER DOING IN THE ENCHANTED FOREST?", Strop stops yelling back at him, and quickly sprints toward the deep voice. He see's nothing but a dead end with a lot of bushes and tree's. He soon hears a voice telling "Welcome to the Enchanted World of Armonia, Strop" Strop get's his pocket-knife and says "Who's there? if someone out there is playing me a prank, you will pay for that!", a fairy rises from a bush and tells him "I'm just a fairy, please don't harm me!", Strop doesn't believe what he's seeing and soon faints, after a while of being unconscious, the fairy he saw before tells him "Hello Strop, my name is Carlie, and i'm a fairy of the world of Armonia! and you are first human to enter our world for the first time", Strop quickly tells Carlie "So where is the city of the enchanted world of Armonia?", Carlie soon tells him "Come with me, and ill show you the way to the great enchanted city of Armonia!"
Carlie takes Strop to the city, the journey of Strop, begins now...
I'm not saying no characters in any works are allowed to be named Zophia, because that would be silly of me. Just when works posted on this site which use a bunch of names of other users, then it is pretty obviously my name instead of some coincedence.
And comedic value or not, I'm not okay with putting name to a fairy.
Chapter 3 of The Enchanted world of Armonia The Battle ~
Strop came running to Carlie as soon as he got his Claymore, and said "Carlie, would you like to go to the Hill?", Carlie replied "But there are orcs up there, its dangerous!" Strop replies "Yes, but i have a sword, and i can kill them!" "Fine Strop, I hope you know what you're doing" Strop says "Of course i know, Ask Stephanny if she wants to come" Carlie told him "She left pretty soon, i wasn't able to ask her" Strop says "Oh well, Perhaps next time i guess". Strop and Carlie went throughout the enchanted forest of Armonia, and went straight to the Orc Hill, Strop was planning to enter and start killing orcs, Carlie said "What if the Orcs are too Strong?" Strop says "I'm sure my sword can deal with them", Strop soon entered the Orc Camp on the Hill, when Strop entered, an Orc archer threw an arrow at him, hitting him on his leg, Strop fell to the ground, and the Orcs grabbed him together and took him in a room. Carlie was behind him, but the Orcs didn't notice the fairy so they just took Strop. Carlie couldn't enter the room because if she did, the orcs would kill her, she then thinks "Maybe he's gonna get out of there and kill all those orcs!" Carlie hears someone fighting with the orcs, and soon see's Strop getting out of the room successfully(With a bleeding leg) Strop happily says "Well that wasn't bad at all!" Strop then gets off the hill and heads to the town with Carlie. Strop tells Carlie "Carlie! Why don't we go slay a dragon tomorrow?" Carlie replied "Not such a good idea, you need a lot of health potions for that kind of thing" Strop says "I'll buy them!" Carlie replies "With what money? you wasted it all on the Claymore", Strop tells her "Yes but the orcs each had at least 1-2 Gold coins in there pants, so now i have 20 Gold coins" Carlie surprisingly says "Wow! You're literally rich!" Strop goes to an INN with Carlie and stays for the night over there for Strop to recover his injured leg.
Strop and Carlie sleep for the day of tomorrow to be one of the best days of they're lives, we all hope Strop kills that Dragon.
Well, i'm not going to put your name on a fairy, but if a princess shows ups in later chapters, and i put your name on the Princess, would it be fine by you?
You know Zanto, before you continue writing this story, you should ask the permission of everyone whose name you're including the story. After all, if one person disapproves, then it stands to reason that others might as well, right? Besides, it's just polite to ask, or at least I think so. Common courtesy and all, even if the characters are your creation, you should ask these people if it's okay if you include their names, you know?
It amuses me how many that are writing about AG, and how few actually use the setting instead of setting up a new one. Also, above is why I write about my own characters. That way I don't step on anyone's toes either, if I portray them wrong.
As for your story, they are rather... abrupt. Like ... "Then he said... But then she said... Because of that he said... while thinking..." It is the "verbal storyteller"-way, and it often works badly in writing. (Another example would be replacing "said" with that the person did). Another one, related to the above would be that if you are going to have a lot of speech in your stories, perhaps you should change lines when someone else is speaking. That way it would be easier to read and less "wall-of-text"'y.
I could rewrite a bit to show as an example, but somehow I think it might be taken badly, and I wouldn't want that.
I could rewrite a bit to show as an example, but somehow I think it might be taken badly, and I wouldn't want that.
Yeah, you don't exactly have the same idea of my story, so that would be just wrong. I'll try to make the next chapter with "the person did" more often, now Chapter 4 will sound better, i guess.
Cenere, do you approve or disapprove for me to put you're name in a new character i will create in Chapter 4?
Yeah, you don't exactly have the same idea of my story, so that would be just wrong.
I meant simply to put a line or two out in more detail and stuff, but yeah.
Cenere, do you approve or disapprove for me to put you're name in a new character i will create in Chapter 4?
Well, I don't mind that much (mostly because you asked). With characters so obviously apart from my regular character, it doesn't really seem to be a problem.
Well, I don't mind that much (mostly because you asked). With characters so obviously apart from my regular character, it doesn't really seem to be a problem.
I didn't know asking was a better way, i learn something new everyday, i guess
