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Forums → Art, Music, and Writing → [old] A key that unlocks there death!!!!

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darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

just add gunpowder and a thing that you put tnt in it.as you go into a building with the explosive,it will get harder and harder into the building because of the security is in there.after excuse after excuse,you will finaly get to that point.and you put in that key,A key that unlocks there death!!!!

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EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

...

Que?

No seriously, what?

jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

Was that supposed to be an attempt at prose? Bit short..

It sounds more like a 'kill the person above you' game :/

darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

I am still trying ti strech it and such,kk.I am still trying to inprove it.

darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

trying I mean.

jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

To be honest, it needs a lot of improving. Maybe give it a plot, correct your grammar and spelling, don't use phrases like ''add gunpowder and a thing that you put tnt in''..?

ZeroComp
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ZeroComp
383 posts
Nomad

...What is this?

darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

thats why I said I am still trying to improve it!!!!

EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

You should work on the grammar. And maybe next time, have something to actually post. This doesn't look like you put much, if any, work into it.

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
26,390 posts
Nomad

Uhmmm...

just add gunpowder and a thing that you put tnt in it.

Are you thinking of nitroglycerine?
as you go into a building with the explosive,it will get harder and harder into the building because of the security is in there.after excuse after excuse,you will finaly get to that point.and you put in that key,A key that unlocks there death!!!!

This seems more like a forum game than anything else...are you sure it belongs in the AMW?
Or will it be a story? If so...wow, it really needs improvement. Most stories have, at least these elements.
-Plot
-Characters.
Uh...your "story" lacks both of those. At the moment, this seems like the tagline for a B action movie.
darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

I am trying to think here and you people are makeing it look bad,so BACK OFF!!!!

jezz
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jezz
3,337 posts
Farmer

Here's a thought, don't post until something decent pops into your head!

ZeroComp
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ZeroComp
383 posts
Nomad

Here's a thought, don't post until something decent pops into your head!

That's what you should do before you post a story or something like this EVERY time not just speed write.
darkwolf1
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darkwolf1
182 posts
Shepherd

Its a key that unlocks there death,but when you open it it unlocks there death.Its not to easy but not to hard but,it unlocks there death.It will not take long to kill ya,but in you unlock it,you will die from it nor you will live from it.its like being borned alive but in a more painfull way,or like a thousand fire ants biting you all over the place.it will not stop,it will not rest,or even ben cured.it will not stop intill it has killed of whom it awaken it.Its a key that unlocks ther death.............

Hypermnestra
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Hypermnestra
26,390 posts
Nomad

Uh...you're using the wrong "they're/their" there.
Their: Possessive.
They're: They are.

EnterOrion
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EnterOrion
4,220 posts
Nomad

I'm assuming you're attempting prose. Let's do some damage control, here.

I won't rewrite it, but lets give some pointers, sentence by agonizing sentence.

Its a key that unlocks there death


First off, 'there' is a place. I believe 'their' is what you're looking for.

but when you open it it unlocks there death


their

Its not to easy but not to hard but,it unlocks there death


Once again, their. Also, misplaced sentence structure. I'll rewrite it, with improved grammar and sentence structure: "It is not too easy, nor too hard, but it unlocks their death."

It will not take long to kill ya


*you.

but in you unlock it,you will die from it nor you will live from it.


Once again, rewrite time: "... but if you unlock it, you will neither live nor die." To add some fun, here: "... but if you unlock it, you will neither live, nor die from its menacing presence."

its like being borned alive but in a more painfull way


This one makes no sense, personally. I'll try and decode. Rewrite once again: "It is like being born again, but more painful than being born the first time."

I'm not really sure how to decode. You don't actually feel being born, and when you're born, you're assumed to be alive. 'Born alive' is a redundant statement.

or like a thousand fire ants biting you all over the place


Metaphor is good, grammar is good. But being Orion, I must add something.

"... or like a thousand fire ants stinging and devouring you."

it will not stop,it will not rest,or even ben cured


Space after commas. Also, space after periods. Anyone with a high resolution will want to kill you if you don't.

*be

Not terrible. No rewrite necessary.

it will not stop intill it has killed of whom it awaken it


I can see some thought, but not really. Rewrite: "It will not stop until it has killed the one whom awakened it."

Until. Until. Until. Please, it's spelled 'until'.

Its a key that unlocks ther death...........


A typo almost made it grammatically correct. Almost . . . .

Rewrite: "It is a key that unlocks their death . . . ."

Sorry for being a condescending, arrogant, prick of a Grammar Nazi, but you need it.
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