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ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

Uhm.. yea, well, I'll post everything I wrote here, like poems, haiku's even one's from themed topics, so yea.. :P

And, just one to start of my "new" thread..

Hey, guys, this is my thread,
Everything here, what I made.
Haiku and a poem,
Everything wrote, from my home.
What I wrote, didn't take me long,
Hopefully, they'll be effective and strong.
So, hope these are good,
They certainly could..

Wrote this in 5-10 minutes, at 00:35, so.. :P I'll hunt up some of my crap, and post it here, give feed back and what not.

  • 29 Replies
ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

One of my personal favorites:

I'm not sure if it's completely in the correct order, wrote it in school, so just from what I remember of it, so yea.. :P

Oh btw, it "had" to start with, the first two lines, a cheap 7th grade book thing, so.. yea.

Living at Hell

I closed my eyes,
And straightaway I saw
Land of Hell,
Where evil dwell,
All there are sinners,
In the end they weren't winners,
All there for some crime,
Now in hell, for eternal time.
All for unleashing a rage,
Now to be locked in a cage.
There, was the burning fires,
Getting out, their biggest desires,
I opened my eyes,
Then began to realize,
I was covered in sweat,
Fearing the thoughts of death.

That's not completely it, I'll have to get my copy and find it there, and post it another time.

But, yea, enjoy.

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

Haiku

Don't fear thoughts to die,
Who knows how worried you'd get?
Think about, living.

By the way, please give feedback on all of these if you can, thanks ^_^

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

Haiku,

Theme: Elements

Water, to put out fire,
Fire, to burn the lands of earth,
Earth, to give us air.

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

My stomach twists, nauseated.
It's that feeling that I've hated.
It's coming back to haunt me,
I'm beginning to lose what I see.
I fall over, having fainted.
That part of my life was tainted.

bluebee2468
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bluebee2468
114 posts
Nomad

You are very good at poetry

JohnnyUnitas
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JohnnyUnitas
172 posts
Nomad

Yeah, beautiful writing.

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

Time for one from top of my head..

Oh, I have beautiful writing?
Poems, I love reciting,
Yes, they amaze,
Leaving you sitting in a daze,
My poems aren't great,
So if you like, discriminate.

IcyIndia
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IcyIndia
1,344 posts
Nomad

Ok, feedback? I have some.

Your poems are very good, however the meter is a bit off.
You might also want to use a more vivid vocabulary.
Some of the words you use seem sort of dull.

But I do like your poems. They're quite good.

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

I don't really have a vast vocabulary, so I generally use simple words, but I could try to make them sound less dull.

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

The unicorn was a bright color pink,
At least, that's what human's think,
Apparently, it could fly,
High, high, in the sky,
Battering each wing,
As, they would sing,
It, would be a humming tune,
As they fly above the moon,
Unicorns, invisible to human eye,
Looking for them, we still try.
Magical blood, it would shed.
Always, reviving the dead.
Unicorns are magical things,
A pet, to the kings

JohnnyUnitas
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JohnnyUnitas
172 posts
Nomad

I couldn't write that on Steroids.lol

ExplosiveDynamite
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ExplosiveDynamite
316 posts
Nomad

On yea, IcyIndia, I took on board what you said, doing FLP (First Line Poetry) I was thinking of the meter, so he goes nothing..

The snow drifted down, powdering the land.
Going to strand's, covering up all sand.
People's death caused by an avalanche,
They would never get back, to a ranch.
Two young children, somehow survived.
Clinging on to a cliff, for their lives.
One of the children, had then fallen.
The other, his name he was calling.
He then said; my friend is now dead.
If I live, I will definitely lose my head.
These are the last word's I will ever speak.
And now, my life will end, ending bleak.

MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

I am here to either make you really happy, or piss you off. I aim to tell you the straight up truth, so I warn you, don't take this stuff personally.

Living at Hell
, this one seemed to me that you made a rhyme, then thought of sticking a message behind it after. It is like.... you have a sandwich. You get out the bread, and put it to the side, then add all of the toppings without the bread, then tried to pick up the toppings and squash them on the bread. It doesn't really work. I might come back and critique it later.

Haiku, Theme: Elements

7-7-5 is incorrect. Not technically a haiku. 5-7-5 is the SET IN STONE count. Past that, it is good.

The next, again, it seems like you FORCED it to rhyme. I know I am being extremely hypocritical when I say don't always rhyme, but seriously. Here is a little edit...

My stomach twists, nauseated.
It's that feeling that I've always hated.
I knew it would haunt me, 'cause I'm Fated.
Breath coming up short, asphyxiated.
I fall over, I know I fainted.
This part of my life will always tainted.
These feelings, I have regretfully acquainted.
__

Something like that. Just offering my advice. I tell you, don't be offended.

NEEEXT.

Work on your meter or whatever it is called. When you say,
Yes, they amaze.
Leaving you sitting in a daze.

It doesn't flow. Flow isn't just rhyme, you have to make sure you can say it and it will fit together in the right timing. Again, I remind you, don't MAKE it rhyme, all the time. Just make sure that it stays in line, and you will always be fine.
(hidden rhyme ftw)

NEEEEEEEEEXT.
T_______________T
Just to reinforce this, aka burn it into your memory : IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO RHYME!!!!!!!
You don't have to rhyme after each and every word! It gets a weeeeee bit annoying after a bit. mkay? And again, I will reinforce the fact that you need to work on the flow.


This is the page 1 little edit thingie I got for ya. More is soon to come.
MoonFairy
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MoonFairy
3,386 posts
Shepherd

This next one, it is better, but still. You do not have to rhyme it every time.
Also, work on the Point of view. Don't make us guess who is talking if you have more than one Point of view. Shame shame. Use "These" nifty fellas.

Maverick4
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Maverick4
6,800 posts
Peasant

On Haikus:

As creator of the 'Haiku Contest', and since I'm actually good at Haiku's, please forgive me if I only critique the Haikus.

Don't fear thoughts to die,
Who knows how worried you'd get?
Think about, living.


This one isn't that bad. It gives a pretty good idea of the topic, albeit with a certain vagueness that seems appropriate to the subject (assuming its life/death). However, it looks like you wrote a lot more, than forced it into a few sylabuls; its kinda chunky when you say it. I'd work on it a bit more, but its not that bad.

Water, to put out fire,
Fire, to burn the lands of earth,
Earth, to give us air.


This isn't actually a haiku. its 6-7-5, instead of 5-7-5. It also seems to leave you hanging. The way its written, I almost expect a line exlaining how air connects to water, but then I get nothing. I don't like it that much compared to your first one. Its one of your average works...

On Poems:

Overall, work on these things:

-Meter: I'm gonna be giving you some advice that previous AG Writers gave me: Write poems that describe, rather than tell. Its easier to find adjetives that fit together, than nouns. And it boost your confidence, as the poems are easier to write (somewhat), so they sound better.

-Rhyming: Your rhymes almost seemed forced. A rhyme should flow, so that the reader feels good. Or you can drug them, so they wouldn't notice anyways... Anyway, also try and branch out from rhyming 'dead-head', 'way-pay', etc. Try and get words twith differn't sylabuls to rhyme: 'brave-concave', 'elevate-hate', etc. It makes your poem sound better, because the words break in differnet places.

Over all, both of the problems can be easily solved. Just read your poems outloud, and fix the parts that sound awkward. And PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Its the only way you'll get better.

You show a lot of promise, so heres a cookie.

*hands cookie*
__________
Interesting, but it would appear that everybody comments on everybodies writing threads except mine... I guess they can't stand how awesome mine is. XD
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