ForumsArt, Music, and WritingShort Story Contest - Theme: Discovery/Exploration (Page 16)

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silvermoon123
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silvermoon123
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Nomad

The rules are simple; write a short story based off of the current theme. The story should be posted in one post, keeping with the shortness, or else the judges will be confused. Also, if you would like to make multiple entries, please note which you would like to have judged. Give all stories a title.

Winners of each round will choose a theme for the next.

If you would like to become a judge, pipe up now.

The current theme is: Ninjas!

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DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
3,415 posts
Nomad

@Pablo, Stavi, I will not take that seriously.

auto 0/10 for Pablo, after reading his story.

I'll be entertained if MusicMan takes it seriously.

As for ThorRatFox, hat story is not short; it is tiny. I will still judge your story, though.

Trudog, you better get to work and finish this because by tomorrow I'll get pissed if people suddenly start posting stories...

And to conclude this post:

Judging for TRF's "Ninja maelstorm"

Setting:
I liked the mountain things, I guess, but there wasn't many detail about it- other than having tons of ninjas, of course.

3/10

Plot:
It was weird; Was it in the past? Who is the narrator? Why does it sound like a guy telling his friends a random story about his weird friend at the bar, drinking a cup of beer and realizing it wasn't very exciting. Thus adding random "A 1000 ninjas appeared" scenes that make absolutely no sense!

No soup for you!

2/10

Characterization:

The characters introduced themselves, did back flips and saved the day.

Rubbish.

Flat, badly designed characters I couldn't even read about through the horrible grammar...

2/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

The grammar was terrifying, I saw many mistakes. Also, the sentence structure was horrible- tons of fragments.

Spelling was bad, Punctuation was horrible.

How about the fact that you CONSTANTLY SWITCHED FROM PRESENT TO PAST TENSE?

Then, later about two hours later


as I coming running out



XD

0/10

Showing, not telling:

The whole story was pretty much a bunch of telling.

0/10

Concept:
I'm sure there was one, I just really couldn't find it and keep up with it...

2/10

Overview:

"DOOM: Repercussions of evil
By: Peter Chimaera
John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There
were demons in the base. He didn't see them, but had expected them now for years. His
warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late
for now, anyway.
John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the
spaceships and he said to dad "I want to be on the ships daddy."
Dad said "No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS"
There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in
the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons.
"This is Joson" the radio crackered. "You must fight the demons!"
So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall.
"HE GOING TO KILL US" said the demons
"I will shoot at him" said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John
plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were
trapped and not able to kill.
"No! I must kill the demons" he shouted
The radio said "No, John. You are the demons"
And then John was a zombie."

Yeah, it sounds kinda like that. A sort of crappy-spelled, no concept, bad plot fan fiction feel.

What's with the grammar? I feel like I'm reading "My Immortal"

Also, let's not talk about the fact that story was tiny...

1.5/10
Strongbow
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Strongbow
324 posts
Nomad

Shadow
by Strongbow


The night is quiet. The moon, a pale orb, casting its pale light onto the quiet town below. All is silent, the breeze barely a whisper as it caresses the treetops with chilled fingers.
Atop a tiled roof, a figure appears. Crouched and motionless, a shadow made flesh. Dark eyes, nearly hidden below a black cowl, catch the moons light as they scan the surrounding landscape, searching. A pause, then the shadow moves, darkness filling darkness as it drops to the ground in a fluid movement, barely stirring the pebbles under black tabi boots. The shadow crouches, then dashes in silence toward the military camp just outside of town.
The camp is quiet, small fires casting red and orange on the tents, bathing them in a subtle, inviting glow. The few soldiers on guard linger near the fires, rubbing their hands over the warmth, their short spears tucked lazily under an arm as they stand their weary watch. The glow invites and blinds, the ripple of shadow unseen by them as they gaze into its intoxicating depths.
A large tent looms over the others, near the center of the encampment. Ornate flaps rustle in the whisper of the breeze, the standards surrounding the tent swaying just barely, as though resisting natures dance. The guards posted on either side of the tents enormous flaps sit on their haunches, their long yari spears cradled between their knees and arms as they doze, heads leaning against the long shafts of their weapons. Behind them, against the back wall of the tent, the shadow crouches. Slipping a small katar dagger from a sleeve, it quietly punctures the leather siding, the leather purring as the sharp blade cuts a small vertical line toward the cold ground. With a quick look around, the blade is sheathed and the shadow slips silently through the tear, into the tent.
The tent is dark and warm, lit only by two braziers filled with glowing coals, casting a dark red glow over the tents interior. A suit of armor situated on a stand looks blood red, the ornate designs stamped on its scales shine darkly, otherworldly and terrible. Furs line the floor, dampening sound as the shadow creeps around the war table in the center of the room and over to the figure lying still on a low futon.
The katar slowly emerges from under a black sleeve. Poised over the sleeping figure, the shadow pauses, staring at the face of the sleeping general. A moment passes, time standing still. With a gloved hand, the shadow reaches up and pulls down the black mask covering its face. A woman now stares down at the man, dark eyes glinting red in the soft light. Soft lips part as she hitches her breath in indecision, the blade still hovering dangerously over the slumbering target. A single tear wells up, then tracks slowly down her cheek as she kisses the blade in silent anguish.
Another moment, and the blade strikes, entering the mans between chin and neck. His eyes fly open in surprise, recognition making them open wider as he struggles momentarily. He shakes his head in denial, his killers face unveiling betrayal as his lifeblood slowly ebbs from him. His muscles relax as he slumps limply into his futon, eyes half-closed, still staring at his assassin.
She struggles to contain her emotions, a quiet sob escaping her as she closes his eyes with gentle fingers, then covers the blade, still portruding from his neck, with the skins still covering his now lifeless body. From a small pouch at her waist, she retrieves a small scroll which declares the assassination and warns of more should the army advance further into the township. With a final gentle kiss on the mans forehead, she slides her mask back over her nose and mouth, then slides back through the slit in the tent, into the darkness.
By morning, the camp is in an uproar, the news of the generals assassination spreading like flames over kindling. His death has sapped the will of his captains, their unwillingness to die dishonorably overriding their desire for conquest. The army packs up and leaves in a cloud of dust and noise, heading back toward the hills, bearing the bundled and trussed body of their leader with them.
The township sighs in relief and celebrates. There is dancing in the streets and grateful offerings to the shrines in homes and around the town. Rumors of intervention by the divine are matched by stories of visitation by demons upon the general, his life snatched by spirits fair or foul in attonment of his terrible pillage of the innocent. To the townspeople, it is a time of rejoice and a return to peace and joy.
In a small house, a mother has another reason to rejoice. Her daughter, Okatu, slim and beautiful, has returned home. For over two years, since her disappearance while visiting a relative in another providence, the mother has worried that her daughters fair looks and quick fighting skills would've landed her in servatude to some ambitious lord. When Okatu arrived suddenly last night in silence, her mother asked no questions, but simply turned the futon for her and left it at that. She calls Okatu for breakfast.
In her room, Okatu combs her hair, her eyes red as she stares back at herself through the distorted metal mirror. She thought of the man she met on her visit, whos firm voice and strong hands had convinced her heart to give way to him and her body to kill for him. She had done so willingly, the essence of shadow, the sharp blade of wind, with never a thought other than his pleasing smile, his strong touch. When he talked of conquest, she never imagined that his sword would point at her providence, the place of her family and ancestors. She failed to convince him, forced by honor to serve, even as she killed her own people, their blood feeding the soil she helped till in her youth. When he camped outside of her town, she begged for him to end her life, offering herself over the towns meager bounty. He refused, the hand that used to caress her now slapping her violently to the ground as he stormed from their tent.
She runs the brush through her hair, ignoring her mothers call as she stares at the woman in the mirror. Her path is clear, her mission to protect the town her honor. She sees a fleck of red under the nail of her hand, the dried blood of her betrayed lover.

She smiles, her dark hair covering her face...in shadow.

TRUdog
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TRUdog
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Nomad

Sorry guys, my story is ending up to be WAY to long. I'm still going to write it, but I'm going to post it in a different thread. Sorry

gaboloth
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gaboloth
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Peasant

Aaaargh, i have a detailed idea for a story but my brain is not letting me put it down.... As soon as I begin to write, I lose all my inspiration -.-

DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
3,415 posts
Nomad

Okay, MusicMan needs to judge Strongbow, ThorRatFox, and Oblivior.

I already did TRF, Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.

No more entries for "Ninjas"

The deadline is march 10th, and we got many entries, I'll get hard to work tomorrow, and I hope MusicMan gets on cause he has a lot of work...

The winner of this theme gets to choose the next theme and the next POV.

Judging for Oblivior's "A mission":

Setting:
I love it, the scene in the forest and the way to the mountain gave me a clear picture of the area, and re-enforced with the detailed palace, the setting was great.

8/10

Plot:
It was a good one, it got a little too fight-y at times, but I could sense a good beginning, rising action, an excellent climax, and a satisfying end.

8/10

Characterization:
Other than the target, the only character is the main one. He seems not flat, and well designed.

Yet I still find it a little sad that I didn't know much about the assassination target.

7/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

It was good, I found little errors, and your punctuation seemed a perfect match.

7/10

Showing, not telling:

You did it very well, the story in whole was showing, and yet it didn't lack detail. You were close to over-description, but you cut out enough so it wouldn't be telling, it would be actual setting.

7/10

Concept:

I liked the concept, it was represented well and I could follow it.
Not a second did it get off-topic from the main concept.

It wasn't genius, that is all.

7/10

Overview:

I love it, I had a lot of fun reading through it, the full-of-action plot is a good one, needing not much feeling because of a good concept. While some other stories in the competition were serious and well-written, I think you are so-far the only one that has achieved a good balance of everything.

7.3/10, Nice job!

Freakenstein
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Freakenstein
9,504 posts
Jester

A Game in the Shadows

When anyone on the road or passing by in town asks which city is the quietest, most tranquil in the entire nation of Antioch to live, anyone who knows their geography will tell them that it is Whisperwind, the Western City of Shadows. A population of no more than 2,000 and environmentally-potent, anyone who lives or stays in this city will agree that they were at peace; they felt protected and secure, even though, in a post-titanium age, the architectural technologies were inferior to that of the bigger, more advanced cities. One who enters this city will find that most, if not all, of the buildings here are made of wood, with partial stone to hold the foundation together. One thing that this city excels in, however, is the trade. As this is an environmentally-potent city, quite a large percentage of the herbs, spices, and lumber are distributed to the caravans that pass by. This is a far-western city, and as such, the far-eastern cities behind the International Date Line come to peddle their wares. With this, some of the far-eastern culture has "rubbed off" on Whisperwind: with the arms sold from the far-eastern lands, Whisperwind's military is comprised of assassins and samurais, excelling in both secrecy, power, defensive tactics, agility, and duty; the structure of the housing are more or less the same, being the traditional sliding doors and the pointed, gilded, and wavy roofs that shield the homeowners from weather conditions: their city, although governed by a triumvirate in the capital city of Dubai, has a ruling emperor that decides every aspect of society in Whisperwind, with his cabinet of advisers to assist. With such a rich, peaceful society and a thriving, potent environment, most citizens of Whisperwind are either newly-wedded couples with children, sickly or injured people that wish to breathe in the light, rich air for relaxation and health, and seniors and the elderly that wish to live the rest of their days in a tranquil society and in peace.

However, the city of Whisperwind herself isn't the focus of today's story; it is a particular building erected 2 miles south of the city's limits. It is an abandoned, ruined building, cluttered with dusty, webbed items with no use and left in isolation for none to experience. No citizen who has lived in Whisperwind for long has ever chanced upon peeking inside, for the building gives off a strange, dark, invisible aura that behooves the mind to beg their master not to enter. However, children under the age of 19 may be able to enter the rickety building if they so desire. All one must do is bravely enter the rotted door and find the trap door to the base. When in the basement, one will immediately spot a steel, bloody door, with the hand prints of failed attempts at opening said door that pulsates like a heart beat. Another humanoid figure will appear on the other side of the door, fully aware that he/she arrived. When the figure prompts, simply say "onix is the color of power" and the door will slowly, but surely creek open.

Inside is a dark, but illuminated cave with constant, echoing taps and paps of torch fire. Emerald-green flags with the image of a leopard body, a snake tongue, and vulture claws are hung from wooden poles in nearly every corner of the cave, stiff from the lack of wind guiding them. Stalactites drip moisture onto the ground, every drop echoing throughout the cave. The bottom of the cave marks a trail, made from bone scraps and wooden planks, that leads to the cavity. Following the trail to the cavity, one would eventually hear organic sounds, rather than the crisp of a torch or a pulsing drip from the stalactites. Such organic sounds are made from the mouths of human children, mostly laughter and gossip, and sometimes confirmation of a request. Inside the cavity of the cave, many children, wearing dark leather clothing are sitting down on a soft, smooth, marble stone floor with reddish-brown carpet draped over for friction and warmth. The children are all fixated on one humanoid figure, obviously much older, as his voice his heavier and bulkier, while his size is larger. His main wardrobe consisted of dark-leather clothing like the children, but his shoulders were two animal skulls sewed together, eye sockets facing the same direction as their owner. He wore an ebony-colored mantle that grew the entire length of his body. His boots were steel-plated, with bear fur protruding out the openings, with smaller animal skulls acting as the knee caps. His entire face, save for the brown eyes and the entirety of his tied-up, black hair, were covered by a masque, a steel-plated covering that had bright-red-painted stripes, whose bases were on each sides of his forehead and chin, while converged to meet the opening for his nose. He had a heavy build and his voice was stern, but proud. He sat on a raised platform that bore a ruby-inlaid, rounded throne that sparkled with the slightest touch of light.

This cave was home to the Dark Shinobi, the anonymous, 3rd-party warriors of Whisperwind, and the leader, Shojo Watanabe. The children that are with him are those that bravely entered the abandoned house and wished to train and study to become the fierce, silent fighters that protect the tranquil city.

Shojo rose from his throne and began to speak to the children. "Children!" his booming voice echoing so that every child in the audience could hear, "You have stood in front of the abandoned house in Whisperwind without a worry and entered the darkness without one shed of fear." The children rocked back and forth with their folded legs in eagerness. Shojo clutched his fists as a gesture. "Since you are so fearless as to step into the darkness to become Shadow's friend", he paused briefly, "you must also be fearless to want to control it and use it as a weapon. Either by curiosity or by wishing to become a warrior of the night, you have passed your initiation." A few children in the back exchanged excited words of 'accomplishment'. The leader gave his final words, then bowed, "with that, please follow me".

He grabbed a nearby torch next to his throne and motioned for the children to follow him. The group of children scrambled from the floors and hastily ran towards the leader in excitement, while others casually walked behind him, making sure their presence was within the lone orb of light. One such child was Mika Inoue, a 12 year old Whisperwind resident that has the eagerness for learning everything there is to know about being a Dark Shinobi. She had a slender, but strong figure, bearing long, auburn-red hair, combed backward to hide her ears, and a small, rounded face. Her eyes were large and colored a dark-blue, with pencil-thin eyebrows that had a chance of being hidden by her bangs when swayed enough. Her lips were slightly pursed, but open to reveal the full width. Her underclothes were of a smooth, maroon-colored silk, but wore leather shoulderpads and a tunic of a darker tan. Her boots that matched her top were long--it's length covered just higher than her calves. She wore no gloves, thus was unprotected by the sharp rocks that the cave yielded. Behind by a small crowd of kids following Shojo, she continued to walk, head high and proud of what she may be able to accomplish.

As the party continued, the light source from the throne room that once covered them grew dimmer. It soon became clear to the children that the only source of light that they would be able to see would be held in Shojo's hand. Everywhere in a distance they looked was so black, they could sleep with their eyes open and not know a difference. The leader glanced backward as the murmurs between the children grew louder. They were able to brave the abandoned house, but the constant darkness was getting to them; they started to fuss. "If you cannot keep your mind focused on the core environment around you instead of the black void covering them", Shojo spoke, suddenly grabbing the children's attention, "then you should not be here. Fear not, because in but a moment's time, you will be trained to be able to sense around you without being tricked by the covers of night." The fussing of the children stopped and was replaced by excitement. Not once was Mika fearful of the darkness, rather, she was highly intrigued by the covering. She scoffed at the small number of children that still whimpered from the lack of lighting.

They came at last to a great, man-made hall. The stone blocks were crusted, the sealant no longer able to hold them together. The entire area of the hall was many meters wide. Thin, translucent, teal-colored, cloth drapes were placed around the perimeter of the hall, looping every small interval. The party was presented with three stone slabs for doors, each presenting a different opportunity. They walked amongst themselves, peering at the rocky gargoyle statues that were mounted on every corner of the wall, each staring at the party with a stone gaze. The statues were positioned as the children were in the throne room: sitting down, their legs folded against the bodies, with their hands wrapped around them. Shojo casually approached the center of the room, a pedestal, which bore a small slot. He set the torch in the slot to set it in place. Immediately afterwards, he turned to face the kids and clapped loudly to grab their attention. The children then ran to encircle him, their minds in complete awareness.

"Okay children!" he spoke with his usual booming voice. "Now comes the task of actually training you to be comfortable with the shadows. In this first hall you see here," he motions with his right arm to direct them to the left doorway, "is a room to train your minds to embrace the darkness and to welcome it like it is a normal occurrence in everyday life. Inside is a maze--you will have to find the exit that will bring you back to this exact spot". Shojo points to the ceiling. The children to take the challenge could not see what was above, but the leader mentions, "Above here is a trapdoor that will bring you back here. If you manage to make it through, you will have passed this test and will be able to move on to other, more difficult maze challenges."

"What are the other two doors for Master Shojo?" asked a child in the front in curiosity.

"These other doorways are for other tests. Other older and more experienced students are immersed in other training exercises. They have mastered the shadows and are now moving on to actual combat." He waves with his hands. "But that is not important right now. For now, we shall take this test to see if you really can become a warrior of the night."

He jogs to the left stone door way and pushes with great strength, slowly moving the door to reveal pure black. "Each of you will individually pass through here to attempt the maze. If you have not passed the test within an hour, I will come through the door way and find you. When you are done, I will show you your rooms, which is on the right doorway. From here, you will sleep until you are able to master the shadows. You will be properly fed and taken care of until then. So!" He rushes back to the center where the group is. "Who would like to go first?"

One child with short, black hair and blue farming overalls stood up and ran to the doorway. "I'll go first!" he yelled enthusiastically.

"Okay, okay," Shojo called with a chuckle. "Before you go, however, there's one thing you and everyone else here needs to understand: The greatest Dark Shinobi knows that patience is his best weapon. Take your time with the maze--just be sure to finish within an hour so I don't have to find you!" With that, the child entered the other room, others peering over, as his silhouette soon vanished. Shojo then pushed the stone door over the cavity, giving the child nothing but pure blackness.

A short time soon passed. The entire party of children were scattered throughout the hallway, each engaging in conversation or playing sport of the hallway (a more-extreme version of hide-and-seek was instantly popular). Mika, however, was perusing around the walls, each feeling its texture and composition, giving Shojo, while he was sitting on top of the pedestal, a curious, puzzled look. She would first scramble around the walls with her eye open, then do the same with them closed--she was comparing how the experience was and how the same both ways were. She would then press her ears up against the walls. This made Shojo give, instead of a passing glance every now and then, to a full stare in her direction. "What does she hope to gain from this?" he thought to himself.

Suddenly, the trapdoor opened, and a child fell through with a cry. Shojo pushed from his seat and grabbed the boy, his expression of pure joy, mixed with fear. He set him back on his feet and congratulated him with "You passed the first maze test! Let me show you your room." He then opened the far-right doorway and motioned him in. Inside, the entire place was lit with torches and lamps by every bedside. Comfortable, feathery beds were lined up, wall to wall, with a pantry full of goods. The layout of the room was exactly the same as the hall full of children, but was highly decorated. The same flags bearing the Dark Shinobi banner were hung on the walls, draped over the columns. Bookshelves were against the wall opposite the beds, full of books of various content available to the children whenever they wished to read. "It is quite late", spoke Master Shojo," but the others will get their chance to sleep once they pass the maze test." The child walked inside and happily plopped himself on the bed and slept soundly. Shojo closed the entryway and jumped back in his usual spot in the great hall. By then, two others had passed the test; Shojo pointed them to where they were staying and encouraged another to enter the maze.

After the 5th child had tried, it was now Mika's turn. She immediately stopped gazing over the walls and entered the maze. She stepped a bit further, feeling the thin walls surrounding her, while Shojo trapped her in.

While most of the children were instructed to finish the maze, Mika did not. She instead proceeded to gaze over the walls and around the emptiness in the room like she always did. She would get a feel for her surroundings, press her ears up against the walls to know what was inside, but instead of proceeding forward, she would retreat back to the beginning. This process would continue, as she would try and move around the maze without touching a single speck of outside matter. Once she collided with a wall, she rushed back to the beginning. Remarkable how she would know exactly where the beginning of the maze was anyway! Back in the beginning, barely making a few meters ahead in the maze, she would test her surroundings, with her eyes open, then with her eyes closed. She made it quite farther than her previous record, but then hit a passing column in the narrow passage. She proceeded to move back to the beginning.

Master Shojo rushed into the maze with speed, but unexpectedly crashing into Mika, who was just farther than the entrance. Both taken by surprise, the two plummeted into the ground with a thud. "Girl!?" He yelled with such confusion. "It's been an hour and you're still here!?"

Mika, laying on the ground with her legs to the side, rubbed her forehead, groaning. "Yeah," her soft voice replied to the master, with a hint of pain from the fall, "I'm practicing trying to get through each corridor without touching a single wall".

"B-but you don't have to do that!" He exclaimed, his once deep voice slightly higher in pitch. "Only the most experienced of students should be tested with this--newly initiated students don't have to be run to rigorously! Now stop playing around and get through this maze, you're holding everyone else up!"

"The greatest Dark Shinobi knows patience--"

"Don't give me that!" He interrupted, obviously knowing what Mika was about to declare. "What good is patience when a great deal of time is wasted! A trained assassin must be able to venture through an unknown territory and finish his/her objective with just a moment's time! Taking too long in a mission would just sully their life!"

The girl then looked down at the ground, disappointed. The master then spoke, "look, just get this one test done. I will show you what my most experienced students have to do, which was what you were trying to attempt. Once you see it in action, you will realize that baby steps is more important." He then left the room for Mika all to herself again.

She pushed herself up, enduring the scrape on her arm that was given when Shojo collided with her. She then attempted to do what her master suggested, but then realized it was far too easy. She realized that, from the sound made from the outside walls, that she was in the heart of the maze. Her experience from taking a listen to the walls paid off, as she knew from comparison, where that wall would be located. She was many, many meters ahead, but only 5 minutes passed. Putting her arms out and pushing herself through the short passages in the maze, she wished for something more. She wished for something extra challenging. With that, she continued doing her usual perceiving, completely disregarding her master's orders.

It wasn't even a half an hour when Master Shojo burst into the maze. Instead of navigating the maze, he climbed up the columns that the maze was comprised of and flew after Mika. Seizing her by the head while Mika protested, he then pinpointed the exit, jumped through the trapdoor, and made for the middle doorway in a rush. Other children watched, puzzling, as he opened the door.

"Wait Master Shojo, I'll do what you want!" Mika begged, still being held by the head. Shojo scoffed and looked at her, his large hand turning her face to meet his.

"No, I have something better planned for you", he insisted. The two entered the doorway while Shojo slammed the door. Inside were older students inside their own dorms, much like the younger student's room.

"Whuzzagoinon, Master Shojo..." one older student muttered, while his sleeping was interrupted.

"Nothing that concerns you, child, now get some sleep!" he marched through to the other side of the room, where the other side of the door looked suspended. This door was made of glass, while the hinges were colored solid black. While this room was generously lit, what was beyond the door provided nothing, meaning there was nothing perceivable. Thus, the door gave the illusion of being suspended in air.

Shojo opened the door and thrust Mika inside. "You are going to learn the true meaning of speed, Mika!" he roared. "Inside the room you are in is a different kind of maze, one that my more-experienced students have to undergo. If you can make pass this test, I will gladly elevate you to the next level of skill." His expression grew more serious. "But right now, I only think of you as a disobedient, slow student."

Mika shrugged and began moving through the next challenge, perceiving the walls with her usual sense of curiosity. Master Shojo knew of this, however, and spoke with a hint of enjoyment. "Be warned though! This room is completely sealed off from the rest of the world, with this door and the trapdoor leading to the great hall as the only exits. As such, the oxygen levels of this room are greatly limited. One can only wonder just how much oxygen was allowed inside from the point I opened the door..." He slammed the door shut. "To the point I closed it!" he left the room with a smile on his face, chuckling to himself.

Mika, knowing full well the danger she was in, quickly navigated the maze, in a rushed hurry. She ran through all areas of the maze, running into the walls and tripping over loose rock more often than she wished. She suffered scrapes and bruises trying to locate the heart of the heart of the maze to find the trapdoor. A small break in a lengthy wall revealed that the heart was inside. She jumped through the wall, climbed a wooden ladder nailed to a stone pillar, and climbed through the small opening that would eventually lead to the trapdoor.

She plummeted through the trapdoor and landed in the great hall with tears in her eyes. Mika ran to the right doorway and jumped on an available bed, trying to hold back her sobbing as she tried to sleep.

The next day came a little earlier than imagined, as Shojo came into the dorm room and woke her up. "That was a magnificent job you did, Mika", his expression being a light smile, "Most of my older students could only manage eleven minutes, but you were able to complete the maze in eight! You will make such a great Dark Shinobi once you graduate!" Mika was woken up so quickly and so suddenly that she couldn't react in time to retaliate in anger. After hearing Shojo's words, however, her disposition of her master returned slightly back to normal, though she held resentment for what actions he did.

"Why did you have to do that so forcefully to me Master?" she asked weakly.

Shojo's expression weakened and he turned his face downward. "Mika, I really did not want to do it, but what you had to encounter in that maze was far less of a punishment than what would happen if you took your time in the real world. Far worse consequences would happen if you were spotted in a mission of if you took too long to navigate an area for people to wake up and notice you. This maze was only to enforce the habit of haste, though I must admit, I was very hypocritical of my words of wisdom. Clear, objective patience is important, yes, but haste is more. It depends how you look at it."

Mika's eyes widened up after getting used to being awake. It took a while to accept what he was saying, but she knew after he spoke that he was sincere and he didn't wish any harm to come to her.

"I guess you're right, Master" she spoke with acceptance. "--

"Your perceiving techniques helped greatly though," He interrupted once more. "You surely wouldn't have survived without the skills you picked up while in the initiation maze." He then turned away from her and reached for the door. "But this is why we do baby steps." As he opened the door, he turned to face her and announced "That's not your bed anymore, however. Your new bed is with the more-experienced students!"

Mika turned her head, puzzled. Shojo realized her confusion and simply stated "I'm sure the older students will watch your ever move, seeing as how a new student, years younger than them, knows so much more than they!"

Freakenstein
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Freakenstein
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Jester

By the way DV, it may be March 10th for you, but it isn't the 10th yet for me! D:

silvermoon123
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silvermoon123
855 posts
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I know I'm not official here anymore, but I say you should let Freakenstein be an exception. No others, though.

DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
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It's 9th I live in America now...

And hurray, now both MusicMan and I have to judge that whole, wonderfully written story...

Well, tomorrow's a busy day, and if MusicMan will not judge by tomorrow I'm gonna be pissed.

I was saying we shouldn't get more entries because tenth is the wrap up day, I think the 9th would be a nice day to stop the entries...

And in the holy name of the horrible flying spaghetti monster's noodle-y appendages, this thread is successful.

MusicMan102
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MusicMan102
314 posts
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if MusicMan will not judge by tomorrow I'm gonna be pissed.


I feel insulted. I will try my best to get them all judged in time.

-----------------------------------------------------

Oblivior's "A Mission"

Setting:

We given some descriptions, which helped the reader visualize a good setting.

5/10

Plot:

The idea of a ninja with amnesia.. interesting, but not enough was built onto that idea. We were able to follow the mission and see how it played out well enough.

4/10

Characterization:

We were able to see insight into the character through his narration and through the actions he speaks of. The target however, was just some random dude.

5/10

Showing not telling:

There was no dialogue.. at least if there was I didn't notice it due to the terrible formatting. I was told a lot; however, I saw a little. Your descriptions were there, but not consistent. Some were over and some were under.

4/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

At first glance anyone can see that it isn't even formatted correctly. Ever think of using paragraphs? Saw some awkward/strange wording. What tense are you in? It jumps round a little.

I leaped from ledge to ledge and was surprised at how fluent my movements are and how accurately my body responds to them.

See what I mean?

3/10

Concept:

I understood your concept and it was a pretty good one. Just make your writing consistent and formatted correctly. I'm sure the reader will understand all of it then for sure.

7/10

Overview:

Develop your characters more and keep it consistent. A more correct format would be nice too.

~4.67/10
DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
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I feel insulted


I' sorry, tons of stories, not a lot of time.

Because after all, everybody is going to die in 2012...


Jk, right-o, Oblivior gets a nice 6/10.

I'm going to judge, hopefully you are going to judge, and by 6 pm (Pacific time zone) I am hoping all shall be finished and ready to be wrapped up.

Judging for strongbow's "Shadow"

Setting:
The setting is amazing, the descriptions are full of beautiful metaphors and exquisite details. I loved the imagery, and while there wasn't a map of the land drawn in my head, the character's interactions with the environment make the downsides of the setting disappear.

8/10

Plot:
The plot is great, having a good beginning, a bit of an over-descriptive rising action, sort of a climax, and a mighty good end.

I found some points in the plot to be a bit slow, but I must say the end was astounding.


7/10

Characterization:
The two characters you actually gave detail about were nothing close to flat, I sensed a good variety of emotion, and there were no major flaws.

I just want to know a tad bit more about the mother.


7/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

Update!

Following me being a mostly Hebrew speaking individual, and having English as my second language, I have decided that from now on I'll leave this category for MusicMan, which will fully judge it for both of us.

x/10

Showing, not telling:
There was a definite amount of telling, the part in which you tell me that "The people celebrated" could have become a whole scene, but unfortunately I see you decided to put not much detail into it.

Perhaps it was for the good of tone.

Other than that, it was fine.

5/10

Concept:
I was confused at the beginning, I sensed it was an introduction to a later-more detailed concept. I wanted to know more, many questions I asked myself about the concept while reading this story were left un-answered.

Yet you did build up a good concept, and so I am not taking off too many points.

5.5/10

Overview:

The story was really good, from the overly beautiful metaphors and emotion I sense the lack of action, sacrificed for the good of emotion and detail.

And while that is something that mainly does not describe anything close to what I like, I fully respect the alternative take on writing fiction.

6.5/10



And now, a message from this thread's indescribably awesome owner.

Silvermoon.

Jk, me.

Since judging AND keeping this thread intact starts to seem hard, when this theme is over and a new one is chosen, a new judge (Instead of me) will also be chosen.

If he is willing to be, the new judge will be the winner of this theme. If the winner of this theme is not willing to be a judge, the offer will be set to the 2nd place winner, and so on.

And now to make it clear what's the prize for winning:
Since a mod is not involved in this contest (yet), no merits or anything of the such is given.

Instead, the 1st place winner will have the opportunity to choose the next theme.

The 2nd place, though, may choose in what POV everyone is going to write their story.

Last but not least, in the whole month of April I will be- mostly- gone from AG. At that point any person willing to take over for the time I am not here will be given the job.

I'm sorry if this post may look messed up, or too long, but I tried putting the most I can into one post...

~DV
DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
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"Come on, DV, get your self un-lazy and judge Frank's," Dv's beloved alter ego, Bob, said.
"But I'm so ****ing lazy!"
"That is no excuse"
"I know...," Dv said, putting some Muse music on his Ipod. "Right, then, let's get to work."
"You are going to just speed through it and give him a 10/10, aren't you?," Bob said, reminding DV of how is no the best judge in the world.
"Something like that," DV said, paging through the album until he found Unnatural Selection. "I'm going to read through it LIKE A BOSS, and since I'm not going to remember most of it- since I am reading 'Sapphique' and Gameinformer at the same time- I will use what I remember as the best of the best, and worst of the worst to judge"
"I can understand why you want to hire a new judge," Bob said. "Your judging regime is exquisite but you are a ****ing crappy judge"
"Thank you, I appreciate it"
"Get to work, you *******"
"Doing so," DV said, writing a little dialogue piece on he is lazy and getting to work.

. . .

Judging for Freakenstein's "A game in the shadows"



Setting:
Reading through this STORY I got a map drawn in my head, Antioch, Whisperwind, the tower, the cave, the mazes, everything! The setting was amazing! There was much more than I could have imagined.

10/10

Plot:
The surprisingly not-that-long plot was disappointing, the beginning was confusing, the weird sort of action, or climax, was not a very impressive one, and the end was nothing close to satisfying.

The length was deceiving, but it really wasn't that good.


4/10

Characterization:
The characters were very well designed, they were horribly flat, but very well designed. I knew a lot about each character, which was nice.

One thing:
Contradiction.

I saw nothing of it.

7/10

Grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. :

I don't need MusicMan to know this one.
10/10

Showing, not telling:
There was a horrible amount of telling, while many of stuff that could be explained easily in one paragraph was expanded to a really big and detailed scene, much of the story was midnless telling.

5/10

Concept:
It was a good one, nothing genius, but I like it. I like the characters that advance it, I like the concept.

Nothing special, though.
7/10

Overview:
The length was deceiving, while it was a really good story, it was disappointing in many ways:
The plot made little sense, the characterization was a little off, and the gargantuan amount of telling made me scowl.

One thing to notice, though, is the setting.
I saw how much work you put into it, and was amazed. Frankly, (XD) I was amazed by the detail and work you put into it.

While it was by far the most worked-on story, it had some annoying errors, and so it gets a:

7/10


And now that the last piece is done, I'm going to wait a bit for music man and then post the final results.

DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
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Okay, let's do this. LEEEEEEEEEEEEROY ah JENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNS.

Ninja theme is now officially over.

We had tons of entries, some were good, most were down-right bad, yet that didn't stop the contest from being good. While most had errors, some were great. I felt that the other, not so good entries should not be put in the final.

And without further blubbering, here are the winners:

In third place:

*Drum roll*

MusicMan, with The "Shinobi's Code".

"The story was really good, I enjoyed reading it a lot.

The things that stood out were your characterization, the plot, and the way the plot mixes with the concept to form a sweet flow.

There was a problem, though:

You describe stuff way too much.

I want to read along and have Akira screaming, or being being calm, or having a brave look on his face.

I do NOT want you telling me: "He screamed", "He was clam", "His face showed an outstanding brave grin"

6.2/10"




In second place: *Drum roll*

Strongbow, with a story called "Shadow"

"The story was really good, from the overly beautiful metaphors and emotion I sense the lack of action, sacrificed for the good of emotion and detail.

And while that is something that mainly does not describe anything close to what I like, I fully respect the alternative take on writing fiction.

6.5/10"

Congratulations, Strongbow, you get to choose next theme's POV!




Aaaaaaand in 1st place,
*Drum roll*
Freakenstein, with "A Game in The Shadows"

"The length was deceiving, while it was a really good story, it was disappointing in many ways:
The plot made little sense, the characterization was a little off, and the gargantuan amount of telling made me scowl.

One thing to notice, though, is the setting.
I saw how much work you put into it, and was amazed.

7/10"

This story gets the prize for it's detail, it gets the prize for being worked on... A lot.

This sends a message to everybody:

Work hard, you will get better results.

And your prize is..... *Secondary drum roll*

Choosing the next theme!

And of course, due to me quitting, I give you the chance to choose to be a judge instead of me, if you don't want to, just say so.

~DV.

Freakenstein
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Freakenstein
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Jester

Awesome! I could have sworn that Strongbow was going to win though, since DV's rating on his story was quite a bit higher than mine :P

I'll choose the next theme, however, I don't wish to be a judge right now. I forsee quite a bit of work to finish later on in college. I gotta be prepared for that.

The next theme will be...Discovery/Exploration! As the first theme was a bit too specific, no offense, this theme is much broader, meaning there is much more freedom of what to write about! Be as creative as you can. Describe in detail what the discovery is or what the exploration is about and what follows after it takes place! With the entrees that may come out of this, it may really help the dialogue, substance, and plot lines of each story, and those that wish it can learn from each other.

DeadlyVelociraptor
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DeadlyVelociraptor
3,415 posts
Nomad

Very nice, and since I got myself the spirits to not be lazy:

I shall remain judge!

http://api.ning.com/files/*U2nit0rEbBmErxhf20mIIyGbqCPB6ZIQ0KKt9Oz2NP73ojBv0izCVMlMNdDgovyhBqWoOabwKtdZTcuVCXBq2c1dAYyeBZb/250pxFelix_CatHaha_svg.png

No seriously, I am.

Anyway... How'd you get the mods?

Theme: Discovery/ Exploration

And since it seems a fair amount of time, (And because the ninja theme was a bit too long):

This is now a 10 day short story contest :P Which means that the deadline is March 20th!

Get writing!

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