I am going to post poems. A critique and feedback would be appreciated!
His Fate His aim was true, Pierced through their bodies, The arrows short and narrow.
Not one or two but three he slay, As every arrow flew, They came upon him, Hit and stabbed and poke and prodded.
But because of his bravery, They couldn't reach, His family in time, He to them was their most noble protector.
His body lay their for maybe a week, Then they came and took it away, On a boat and sent down the river.
Battle Victor The battle horn cries. See them clash together. One mans sword through another mans leather. He falls to the ground,Without another sound.
They are the winners,They are the best. They are the champions,They are Victors. But does it really matter,all those victories. Why must they fight,a fight that isn't theirs.
These are pretty good, Jac. The flow seemed to be off a little but other than that they were alright. Try to make the sentences around the same length, it'll flow better.
I feel like I'm gonna die, My life has been a lie, Tossed around like a piece of trash, I see a bright flash.
I feel my heart beating, We are retreating, I hurry away, But I only get halfway...
Pretty decent poem, jac! I like how although it rhymed, it wasn't overdone.
On this particular stanza of Battle Victor,
They are the winners,They are the best. They are the champions,They are Victors. But does it really matter,all those victories. Why must they fight,a fight that isn't theirs.
seems a tad bit off...
I would suggest this form:
They are the winners, They are the best; They are the champions, They are victors.
But all those victories, Does it really matter? Why must they fight A fight that isn't theirs?
It flows better, and appeals to the eye a bit more in my opinion.
But because of his bravery, They couldn't reach, His family in time, He to them was their most noble protector.
The enjabment is off in this one. Other than that, the poem is pretty good. Still reminds me of Boromir... :P
I feel my heart beating, We are retreating, I hurry away, But I only get halfway...
This poem is honestly my favorite. It flows really well, until the last line, which is jsut slightly off somehow. Dunno what really, but just experiment with differen't wordings and such. Keep submitting more for review, and you'll get better. Keep it up.
Bullets is ok. The rhyming is pretty simple, though it works. The flow gets cut at the line 'Enemies gunning'. What happened is that this had too many sylabuls compared to the other lines. I would suggest something like 'Foes are gunning', so it works a bit better. It helps if you say the poem outloud a few times, and trying differen't connotations for the words, and switching around.
Made for the ten day contest: Little Wooden House Try to remember, The little wooden house, Where the old man lived. Try to remember, How the house was burnt to crisp, While he slept the time away. Try to remember, How he hurried to the door, fumbling with the keys. Try to remember, His daring escape, Dancing with death. Come and see the ashes, Can you help build it up? Help us rise it from the ashes, For his wifes sake.
Made in the first line poetry thread. Fish and sharks, attack that tablecloth! Snapping at my feet, Jumping from the floor, I scream and shout, Looking for help.
I think it would appeal more and perhaps flow a bit better if it were broken into stanzas, but that is just me:
Little Wooden House Try to remember The little wooden house, Where the old man lived.
Try to remember How the house was burnt to crisp, While he slept the time away.
Try to remember How he hurried to the door, fumbling with the keys.
Try to remember His daring escape, Dancing with death.
Come and see the ashes, Can you help build it up? Help us rise it from the ashes, For his wife's sake.
Besides the form of the poem:
Help us rise it from the ashes, For his wife's sake.
Disappointed me as the reader in some regard. The beginning was nice, dark, and awesome, but at the end, you make it into a sort of joke at the end.
Oh, yes,
Come and see the ashes, Can you help build it up? Help us rise it from the ashes,
Very confusing in some regard. At first you want us to see the ashes, and want us to rebuild (amusing) him by his ashes. BUt then you say help us rise it from the ashes... Rise what from the ashes? His ashes? That makes no sense.
Lastly, I think you could have came up with a better title, like "Remember" or something of the sort, as that is truly what the poem is about: 'Remember and Rise'.
Other than the stuff listed above, great job, my favorite part is this part:
Try to remember, How he hurried to the door, fumbling with the keys. Try to remember, His daring escape, Dancing with death
Oh yeah after Remember i would use a colon : 'cause your listing... Like so:
Try to remember: How he hurried to the door, fumbling with the keys.
~Now for the first line poetry one...
Fish and sharks, attack that tablecloth! Snapping at my feet, Jumping from the floor, I scream and shout, Looking for help.
First off, great job, using that line that I would personally never use. It seems a bit... lame in my opinion.
My only concern is, that first line is GREATLY larger than the others, two times larger, in fact. Either keep it at a similar length, or steadily increase/decrease length would make it appeal to the eye a tad bit more.
That is OK, I'm just saying the other lines could have been a bit longer, so that they are closer in length. An easy way to have done that is by adding some detail (adjective/adverbs).
Fish and sharks, attack that tablecloth! Snapping at my feet,with their sharp teeth, Jumping from the floor,I cant run for the door, I've screamed and shouted,I begin to doubt, Looking for help,So desperate I begin to yelp.
