as the title states i am unsure if i am a decent writer at all. i mean i used to enter the child and teen author contests in grade school and junior high. i normally got into the top 5 submitted, and from there i was best of school once and special recognition twice, but that's about it. please don't be too harsh on me this is the first time ima write or anything for serious. just tell me if it's good... or if i should just stop writing where i am at. this is a small excerpt from one of the chapters of a book i'm currently trying to write. this is a rough draft, and punctuation or misspelled words or misshapen sentences and the like will be taken care of.i like to write and read fantasy and theoretical type stuff. hope this goes well.. time to start typing..
CHAPTER (unknown)
Eliehtay stumbled from the portal and took in his surrounding. he found himself in a long, hot, dry desert canyon. a soft desert wind blew around him kicking up small flurries of dust around him. looking around, he could not see Pyraxxis or Jarkin. "Jarkin!" he yelled out. the words repeated themselves and bounced off the seemingly endless walls of the narrow ravine. There was no answer. Eliehtay begin to walk in the sweltering heat. as he passed by some scraggly desert brush, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. he peered at it cautiously as Jarkin slowly and yet steadily emerged, still bearing his wounds of the previous battle. Jarkin immediately took notice of Eliehtay and judging by the lack of footprints by the brush, he must have been dropped here from the portal. Jarkin began to motion towards the heavens, using his inborn powers. Rain began to flood the normally calm sky as it fell in great splashes onto the dusty canyon's floor. "what the **** is Jarkin doing?" eliehtay thought. the rain increased to a torrential downpour as the two young men looked at eachother. Eliehtay felt cold, soaked to the bone, chilled to his very heart and somehow, he knew this had nothing to do with the freezing rain pounding on his skin. As Eliehtay moved forward to talk to Jarkin he felt slightly happy at having found him... but oddly cautious for a reason he couldn't explain... he stopped dead in his tracks as Jarkin drew a long, wickedly curved gleaming dagger. with a strange menacing stride, jarkin began to move towards Eliehtay. Eliehtay began to create a shield around himself from the rain and Jarkin but no.. wait.. something stopped him.. what was it? The dagger! it nullified his powers! where had Jarkin gotten THAT!? Eliehtay began to step back matching Jarkin's steps. he remembered what Pyraxxis said, "i have servants everywhere, even in your midst, closer than you can think." Eliehtay finally saw the truth. He felt helpless without his poweres, stripped, bare, naked. he couldn't even open a ******* portal... Jarkins pace quickened. "Jarkin, whatever Pyrxxis has told you, stop please you don't have to." eliehtay pleaded. Jarkin's silence continued. the stalk continued in an all quiet, except for the thunder coming from overhead. Eliehtay could feel mud squelching at his feet and trying to suck away his boots with every backstep he took. "i fight you if i must." eliehtay growled as he felt a hard, cold prescence in his back. he had hit the ravine's wall. That was whne Jarkin made his move. with a quicksilver flash he leaped forward and drew the dagger slashing for Eliehtay's chest. Eliehtay barely ducked in time and jumped sideways in time to avoid a major chest hit. However, the dagger did score a minor hit acrost his forhead. "damnit" he said. as he dropped down again and lashed out with his legs at Jarkin's own. For a second, it seemed that jarkin might continue standing, but then he fell onto the canyon floor, a now near-constant flowing river of mud. he slipped and fell as he tried to regain his stance. Eliehtay grappled upwards against the sucking mud and pulled himself close to the wall using it as support from the rain, wind and mud. he wiped blood from his forhead where is was partially blinding him and stinging his eye. he looked at Jarkin's face now. what he saw was unexpected. It was an odd mixture of hate, anger, insanity and a touch of... pity... as if the heavens answered to this, lightning cracked and thunder rolled and roared. Jarkin, also managing to stand using a small deseret bush that was threatening to pull away with the now ankle-deep mud. "why jarkin why!" he screamed over the wind and thunder. Jarkin simply screamed back, "Pyraxxis and his post-war world, he showed me what would happen if we won, and how i could help if he won and i sided with him." "you don't understand," he continued, "i was the shadow... i followed him all along.." Shadow.. shadow... shadoww. the word seemed to echo endlessly in Eliehtay's mind. He recalled (later filled) dying words regarding the shadow. "so you would betray us all for a seat of power!" "a GOD ****** position for the live's of all your bretheren." Eliehtay screamed with anger and rage. "i am going to kill you.." he promised as he grabbed a fist sized rock sitting on a nearby ledge. "TO HELL WITH PYRAXXIS! TO HELL WITH YOU! TO HELL WITH YOUR BLOODY IDEAS OF THE WORLD AND MOST OF ALL YOU!" he spat with venom in his tone that practiclly spit from his mouth. Time seemed to stand still. Jarkin gaped, as Eliehtay rushed forwards slipping in the mud to get to him. Jarkin met his charge and the two hit, as the thunder reached a crescendo. Eliehtay heard a satisfying crack as the rock conencted with Jarkin's side. Immediately afterward, he felt a sharp pain in his skull as the hilt of the dagger came down on his head. the pain spiraled down his neck as he weakly sank to his knees, threatening to fall unconscious. his whole world was encompassed in pain, his body shuddered. "you always were too arragont." Jarkin said he brought the dagger up. Eliehtay weakly looked upwards and saw Jarkin's face haloed by lightning and rain. "Jarkin..." he pleaded. as the lightning crashed and the thunder rumbled like a cry of a dieing animal, long ominous and foreboding. Jarkin held the dagger high. The dagger fell downward with force. eliehtay, with a sense of resignment looked downwards as well, unable to fight anymore. Eliehtay closed his eyes. Jarkin Screamed. The wicked dagger made contact. it sunk in deeply.
well anwyays that's all i got for now.. i don't write from the beginning, i jump around and think up a storyline as i go. i hope this is decent. see you all.
I will read this when you fix it and make into multiple paragraphs. If this story is worth reading, it will be grammatically separable into multiple paragraphs - indent as soon as there's a new line of dialogue or a new idea.
thisisnotanalt, this is still in idea form and im not worried about that right now.as i said this is a rough draft mate i'm not fixated on grammer yet. i need people to read and get input but if you don't wanna read that's ok thanks for support moon. i will fix that kyouzou thanks for notice. and yes, cliffhangar was necessary.... XD
I would love to see multiple paragraphs like Alt said. The terrible "wall-o-text" is too hard to read. Capitalization is a big want since this is a story, not your regular posts.
I skimmed through this and it looks very nice. Keep up the good work!
Meh, I'll indent it for you, lol. Paragraphs are just as important as punctuation though, and should be on rough drafts. For future reference.
Eliehtay stumbled from the portal and took in his surrounding. he found himself in a long, hot, dry desert canyon. a soft desert wind blew around him kicking up small flurries of dust around him. looking around, he could not see Pyraxxis or Jarkin. "Jarkin!" he yelled out. the words repeated themselves and bounced off the seemingly endless walls of the narrow ravine. There was no answer. Eliehtay begin to walk in the sweltering heat. as he passed by some scraggly desert brush, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye. he peered at it cautiously as Jarkin slowly and yet steadily emerged, still bearing his wounds of the previous battle. Jarkin immediately took notice of Eliehtay and judging by the lack of footprints by the brush, he must have been dropped here from the portal. Jarkin began to motion towards the heavens, using his inborn powers. Rain began to flood the normally calm sky as it fell in great splashes onto the dusty canyon's floor. "what the **** is Jarkin doing?" eliehtay thought. the rain increased to a torrential downpour as the two young men looked at eachother. Eliehtay felt cold, soaked to the bone, chilled to his very heart and somehow, he knew this had nothing to do with the freezing rain pounding on his skin. As Eliehtay moved forward to talk to Jarkin he felt slightly happy at having found him... but oddly cautious for a reason he couldn't explain... he stopped dead in his tracks as Jarkin drew a long, wickedly curved gleaming dagger. with a strange menacing stride, jarkin began to move towards Eliehtay. Eliehtay began to create a shield around himself from the rain and Jarkin but no.. wait.. something stopped him.. what was it? The dagger! it nullified his powers! where had Jarkin gotten THAT!? Eliehtay began to step back matching Jarkin's steps. he remembered what Pyraxxis said, "i have servants everywhere, even in your midst, closer than you can think." Eliehtay finally saw the truth. He felt helpless without his poweres, stripped, bare, naked. he couldn't even open a ******* portal... Jarkins pace quickened. "Jarkin, whatever Pyrxxis has told you, stop please you don't have to." eliehtay pleaded. Jarkin's silence continued. the stalk continued in an all quiet, except for the thunder coming from overhead. Eliehtay could feel mud squelching at his feet and trying to suck away his boots with every backstep he took. "i fight you if i must." eliehtay growled as he felt a hard, cold prescence in his back. he had hit the ravine's wall. That was whne Jarkin made his move. with a quicksilver flash he leaped forward and drew the dagger slashing for Eliehtay's chest. Eliehtay barely ducked in time and jumped sideways in time to avoid a major chest hit. However, the dagger did score a minor hit acrost his forhead. "****it" he said. as he dropped down again and lashed out with his legs at Jarkin's own. For a second, it seemed that jarkin might continue standing, but then he fell onto the canyon floor, a now near-constant flowing river of mud. he slipped and fell as he tried to regain his stance. Eliehtay grappled upwards against the sucking mud and pulled himself close to the wall using it as support from the rain, wind and mud. he wiped blood from his forhead where is was partially blinding him and stinging his eye. he looked at Jarkin's face now. what he saw was unexpected. It was an odd mixture of hate, anger, insanity and a touch of... pity... as if the heavens answered to this, lightning cracked and thunder rolled and roared. Jarkin, also managing to stand using a small deseret bush that was threatening to pull away with the now ankle-deep mud. "why jarkin why!" he screamed over the wind and thunder. Jarkin simply screamed back, "Pyraxxis and his post-war world, he showed me what would happen if we won, and how i could help if he won and i sided with him." "you don't understand," he continued, "i was the shadow... i followed him all along.." Shadow.. shadow... shadoww. the word seemed to echo endlessly in Eliehtay's mind. He recalled (later filled) dying words regarding the shadow. "so you would betray us all for a seat of power!" "a GOD ****** position for the live's of all your bretheren." Eliehtay screamed with anger and rage. "i am going to kill you.." he promised as he grabbed a fist sized rock sitting on a nearby ledge. "TO HELL WITH PYRAXXIS! TO HELL WITH YOU! TO HELL WITH YOUR BLOODY IDEAS OF THE WORLD AND MOST OF ALL YOU!" he spat with venom in his tone that practiclly spit from his mouth. Time seemed to stand still. Jarkin gaped, as Eliehtay rushed forwards slipping in the mud to get to him. Jarkin met his charge and the two hit, as the thunder reached a crescendo. Eliehtay heard a satisfying crack as the rock conencted with Jarkin's side. Immediately afterward, he felt a sharp pain in his skull as the hilt of the dagger came down on his head. the pain spiraled down his neck as he weakly sank to his knees, threatening to fall unconscious. his whole world was encompassed in pain, his body shuddered. "you always were too arragont." Jarkin said he brought the dagger up. Eliehtay weakly looked upwards and saw Jarkin's face haloed by lightning and rain. "Jarkin..." he pleaded. as the lightning crashed and the thunder rumbled like a cry of a dieing animal, long ominous and foreboding. Jarkin held the dagger high. The dagger fell downward with force. eliehtay, with a sense of resignment looked downwards as well, unable to fight anymore. Eliehtay closed his eyes. Jarkin Screamed. The wicked dagger made contact. it sunk in deeply.
All I can say is that this story is like 75% longer than it should be. You need to take out the red pen and the white-out and slash almost all of your adjectives and adverbs and replace the nouns and verbs so theta they're more descriptive and you don't need to load your story down with so many modifiers.
oh wow thanks :O. lolz. i try to be descriptive with adj n adv. apparently im too much detail i'll work on that thanks. thank you kimichi and leo as well. *gets sad* thisisanalt is a hard critic
The thing is, it's important to try to be descriptive more in your nouns/verbs and your wordplay. Modifiers can be used, just not overused, and most certainly only one at a time.
A wizard never crits too hard, nor too soft. He crits at the exact toughness he needs to.
Just thought I should say Alt, I agree with you on some parts, but this is exactly the kind of thing teachers are encouraging, overuse. When you get to a higher level you can drop it down a bit.
Even though I said that, I think Alt is right. You're a great story writer, just tone it down a little, it makes it hard to read.
A wizard never crits too hard, nor too soft. He crits at the exact toughness he needs to.
But, a ninja is the right critic.
Oh and these kind of stories always win with adults,well at least when I was in year 7 all they cared about is how many Adverbs, adjectives, verbs are in there, and if you have Grammar, punctuation and paragraphs.
me maybe post tomorrow little bit more ^_^.. it'll be the opening chapter, like a piece of the story told by an outside character who has nothing to do with the storyline, just to get things rolling.
just for fun...
(""<(^_//)>("" kitty with eye patch says thanks too all "sporters.
Just thought I should say Alt, I agree with you on some parts, but this is exactly the kind of thing teachers are encouraging, overuse. When you get to a higher level you can drop it down a bit.
Umm . . . exactly. Teachers encourage you to overuse modifiers. I'm saying that the teachers are blatantly wrong - it's best to cut out most of your modifiers and use strong verbs and nouns instead.
just tone it down a little
Not to be mean, but you need to turn it down a lot. You use a triple adjective in there somewhere! >_>
Oh and these kind of stories always win with adults,
Not the professionals. They win with teachers - every adult person in the world with writing experience who isn't a teacher will say what I'm saying. It's very important to cut out modifiers and have your writing be lean, mean and uncluttered.
Not the professionals. They win with teachers - every adult person in the world with writing experience who isn't a teacher will say what I'm saying. It's very important to cut out modifiers and have your writing be lean, mean and uncluttered.
Except for Harlan Ellison. He has around 40 ajectives/adverbs in one sentence. It was about jellybeans...
Anyway, I don't think that Phantom is necesarily using too many descriptors, he's just using them incorrectly. Take this quote from Heart of Darkness (descriptors in italics):
"We are accustomed to look upon the shackled form of a conquered monster, but there- there you could look upon something monstrous and free."
Notice how Conrad uses the adjectives to give the sentence balance. They don't just describe; they give the sentence structure.
Now let's look at one of your sentences:
Eliehtay growled as he felt a hard, cold prescence in his back.
"hard, cold" doesn't really add much to the sentence, does it? Structurally, it kind of bogs it down. And it doesn't provide any necesary information, nor does it create a relevant tone.
I know it isn't fair to compare your writing to Conrad's. I'm just using that as an example of how to correctly include modifiers in your writing.
Also, why is this in the past tense...
And how exactly does one go about pronouncing Eliehtay?
Notice how Conrad uses the adjectives to give the sentence balance. They don't just describe; they give the sentence structure.
What I'm saying is that he uses so many it throws the story out of balance. Also, he uses a lot because the ones he uses aren't very efgective in their placement.
